Artists' statement [from Jessica]

12/5/02: Once upon a time, about a week ago, my friend Emily and Ihad a substitute teacher for our French lesson. We finished our set work quickly with about 15 minutes to spare, so we started writing a story ­- ya know ­ "a sentence each" kind of thing?

It started off perfectly innocent, but, suddenly, during the second sentence, Jareth became inevitably involved... (Seeing as we are true-bred Labyrinthians, and, as all people do, have fallen in love with the Goblin King, this wasn't surprising!) Anyways, pretty soon our story had turned into the six-page-long Labyrinth ­- What Happened Next.

We live in England (in case you hadn't realised) in East Anglia, in the county of Norfolk (how interesting!). We should probably warn you that a What Happened After What Happened After Labyrinth is in the making, though don't get your hopes up; it may never be finished!

 The story!

Once upon a time there was a monster (oh, how original) called Flopsy; he found this very disconcerting because everyone laughed at him when he tried to be scary.

One day he was so upset he decided to get some help, so he went to King Jareth (who was king over all the Goblin Kingdom, where he lived). Jareth found this a very interesting new mission; he was fed up with falling in love with ugly sixteen-year-olds and stealing their little brothers, so he adjusted his balls and smiled seductively.

After tapping his heel and pretending to pick his nose for a while, Jareth said, “You need a name change! You have thirteen hours to get a new name before your name becomes permanent forever. Such a pity... Oh, and if you fail, I will throw you into the Bog of Eternal Stench too!”

“But that’s no help!” cried Flopsy.

“I know,” said Jareth, “but it sounded rather cool, didn’t it? Don’t bother me any more, please; I have nails to paint and hair to dye!” And with that, he disappeared in a cloud of smoke and very bad special effects.

So Flopsy began to wander aimlessly around the Labyrinth, with no real expectations or hope that he would succeed. But, as if from nowhere, appeared a dwarf called Hoggle, and, in the distance, there were some very loud moans that sounded like they came from a monster called Ludo. But they didn’t.

The moans actually came from an ugly sixteen-year-old called Sarah. Years ago, Jareth had loved her, but she had turned him down and gone home. But when, one day, she got very annoyed by her stepmother, she returned to the Labyrinth, but, alas, Jareth had turned her down this time.

“Don’t mind my friend. She has just realised that she turned down the most attractive man, um, not in the world,” Hoggle explained.

“Hmm,” Flopsy said to himself, “maybe if I tell Jareth I’m gay, he’ll marry me and change my name for me and stuff...”

“Yeah! Or maybe not. I don’t think his Majesty is gay, you know….” said Hoggle.

“Well, I certainly haven’t ever been looked at in that way by a bloke before,” said Flopsy, thinking about Jareth’s eyes, “but perhaps that’s just his way. I do think it would be worth a try, though...”

Suddenly, something appeared in front of a Jareth-shaped rock! It was Jareth (no surprises there then). “Well, if it isn’t you,” he breathed.

“Would you prefer it if it weren’t me?” Flopsy inquired flirtatiously.

Jareth ignored him and spoke to Hoggle: “Will you two stop discussing my sexual tendencies, please? It is most off-putting!” He frowned. “Is that Sarah I can hear? I wonder if she’s free this Frid-- I mean, um, tell her to go away... She’s confusing me.”

“Jareth still fancies Sarah, nyah nyah na nyah nyah!” sang Hoggle, and Flopsy looked very disappointed.

Sarah’s tear-stained, mascara-streaked face peered around the corner. “He does?” she said hopefully.

“I never stopped fancying you. Oh Sarah!” Jareth cried.

“Oh Jareth!” Sarah cried.

“Kidding!” Jareth shouted.

“Moan, moan,” moaned Sarah.

“Oh shut up,” said Jareth irritably.

“I’ll only shut up if you go out with me,” whined Sarah.

“No way, I’ve just had a better offer -- how about it, Flopwart?”

“Floppy,” corrected Sarah.

“Flopsy!” said Flopsy, annoyed.

“Stop joking around, Jareth!” Sarah whined.

*Wink, wink,* winked Jareth. “Listen, Sarah babe, I’ve brought you a gift; I have several pairs of tights with holes, ladders, etc. If you sew them all up, I might consider going out with you. Fair?”

“It’s not fair, Jareth. And please don’t ask me what my basis for comparison is. I haven’t got one. I just like saying that.”

“Well, I suppose it does have a good effect -- you will still mend my stuff, though, won’t you?”

“Oh, all right, but only because it’s you, and, besides, since I’ve been dumped in the Labyrinth, I don’t have anything to do with my time. I may as well sew up my fantasy boyfriend’s tights. However, it’s still not fair.”

Jareth turned back to Flopsy and decided to try his luck again. Leaning against a rock, he said, “So, Flopsy, how are you enjoying my Labyrinth so far? Haven’t found the New Name Tree yet, eh?”

Flopsy, a little off put by Jareth’s flirting, managed to stumble his way through, “It’s a piece of cake,” and, “No, I haven’t found the name tree yet, but thanks for telling me there was one!”

“Bugger!” muttered Jareth. He grabbed one of his balls and hurled it into the distance, but he made a mistake somewhere along the line, and it rolled gently back to him in the form of a poisoned peach. “Oops.”

“‘Bugger,’” said Sarah, “is Jareth’s way of saying ‘I fancy you,.’ Isn’t it, Jareth?”

“Bugger off!”

“Jareth, believe me; I’d do that any time!” Sarah said.

Jareth made an exasperated gesture and disappeared in another cloud of smoke and some even cheesier special effects.

Hoggle, one rather large eyebrow raised cynically, muttered, “If you kids have quite finished flirting, I think we should be getting on with this quest, as we only have 9 hours and 23 minutes to go!”

“Oh yippee!!!!” shouted Flopsy joyfully. “You’re gonna help me!!!!”

“Just don’t kiss me. I’ve had some bad experiences with kissing. Now why don’t we go and visit my friend Mr. Worm and his charming wife Mrs. Worm? I’ve heard they do a wonderful line in cups of mud tea...”said Hoggle dreamily. Flopsy gave him a weird look and they all set off, Sarah occasionally moaning...

When they finally reached the worm’s house, Mr. Worm was, of course, sitting outside, combing his blue, fluffy plume, and he greeted them with a cheery “Allo!”

Sarah glanced around for a minute and then said, “Sid you just say hello?”

“I’m getting this weird feeling of déjà vu,” remarked Hoggle. So Sarah and Mr. Worm went through their traditional greeting speech, but this time Sarah accepted the invitation of tea with “the Missus” and they all went inside the surprisingly large worm hole (things weren’t quite what they seemed in the Labyrinth!), from which a delicious waft of warm mud tea smell was escaping.

“It’s Earl Mudalot Tea,” boasted the worm proudly. “20% more dirt!”

“I love this stuff,” said Hoggle after his 17^th cup. But then he rushed to the loo to be sick, and the yell of, “Damn you, Mr. Worm, and damn me too!” rang through the whole hole.

“C’mon, Hoggle,” called Sarah. “It’s not fair that you have to go and be sick. We have a mission to accomplish and we’ve already spent more than enough time drinking, or in my case, watching people drink, cups of mud -- ick -- tea. We have a Name Tree to find!”

So they set off with fond goodbyes from Mr. and Mrs. Worm and they walked straight past a weird-looking guy with a bird growing out of his head. Only an idiot (or a total bitch) would listen to that kind of a freak. They stumbled across Ludo, who was hanging upside down -- his favourite pastime -- and persuaded him to come along too.

Pretty soon they all fell an Oubliette where Jareth materialised in front of them looking sexy, seductive and a little perturbed that they had found the Oubliette so soon. Hoggle tripped and had to grab something to stop himself falling flat on his face –- and Jareth’s upper thigh seemed the obvious choice.

Jareth ignored this (he was used to it) and said to Flopsy, “Ah, I see your past is catching up with you; you’ve found your ex.” He looked at Ludo meaningfully. “Are you two behaving yourselves?”

“Humph,” humphed Flopsy.

“Flopsy not friend,” said Ludo grumpily.

“Whatever. I see you’ve found my Oubliette,” said Jareth playfully.

“Don’t state the obvious, dear,” said Sarah lovingly.

“Yep, we have,” said Hoggle from the region of Jareth’s groin, “and we think it was better in the original; it had more glitter!”

“Hogwart, will you get out of my crotch, please? Anyway, in order to escape from this Oubliette, you all have tasks to do. Hoggle, you must polish my boots; Flopsy, with your long, scary (hee hee hee) claws you must comb my hair; Ludo, hold up a mirror so I can admire myself; and you, Sarah...” *seductive smile*

“Gasp,” gasped Sarah.

“What’s wrong with painting my nails?” said Jareth innocently.  So they all did, but not before Sarah had corrected Hoggle’s name to Hogbrain (or something), and Hoggle had grumpily reminded them all what his name really was. 

When Sarah had finished painting his nails, she asked Jareth hopefully whether the tights he was wearing needed mending. She also commented that they were looking a little worn and somewhat stretched around a certain area. Jareth glanced down and sniggered. “Perhaps you’d care to investigate a little further, Sarah?” he asked.

“Oh, Jareth, you know I’d love to. Are you serious?”

“Duh, no. What about you, Flopsy? Do you fancy a little deep investigation?”

Flopsy gave Jareth a weird look. “Jareth, stop it! It’s not fair for you to keep joking around, letting me down like that.  Really, it’s not fair!”

Hoggle, Ludo and Flopsy started to edge away, looking as unobtrusive as is possible for a couple of monsters and a dwarf. Suddenly, magically, a door appeared, Hoggle opened it. 

“Seeing as you did my tasks, I guess you can go,” said Jareth.  “Just for future reference, however, I prefer pink nail varnish to blue, okay?  See you later then...” *wink wink*  And he disappeared in a brief rainstorm of poisonous peaches.  “Oops!” a voice echoed back.

So, the little band of intrepid explorers (I don’t think) set off into the Labyrinth once more. Suddenly and quite unexpectedly, they all fell down a minor pothole with a sort of helter skelter attached.

When they got to the bottom, they were faced with a terrible sight: a dog (and this is far more worrying than the first thing) riding a dog. “I,” said the dog (the one riding the dog) in a stuck-up English accent, “am Sir Didymus. But you can call me Diddles, if you like,” it added to Hoggle.  “And this is my dog, Ambrosia.”

Looking around them, the explorers discovered that they were standing on a dog-shaped island with a big tree in the middle of it. “This,” proclaimed Diddles, “is the Dog of Eternal Stench, my new place to guard. Jareth gave me a second chance after last time...”

“Well, in that case,” said Sarah, “we had better run. We wouldn’t want to muck up your job again.”  And with that, they all rushed off. 

In fact, they rushed towards the middle of the island where they had seen a tree -- they thought it looked as much like a Name Tree as any other around.  So off they went with a trumpety trump (oh no, they didn’t; that’s the elephant) -- well, off they went anyway. 

On the tree was a plaque, which Sarah read out: “This is not the Name Tree, but a look-alike placed here by His Majesty King Jareth to confuse and let down miserable people looking for the real Name Tree. Mwahhahhah!” 

From the distance, there came a shout (in a very English accent), “I could have told you that wasn’t the Name Tree, but, oh no, you didn’t ask me!”

They all ran away, very very scared, and Jareth materialised in front of them, striking a most sexy and seductive pose. (Sarah was behind him, clutching a very overdarned pair of tights). “Did you like my message?” asked Jareth.

“N --” began Hoggle.

“Yes, I rather liked it too,” continued Jareth. “Glad you survived the dogs, all three of them. Um, I don’t really know what I’m doing here... Sarah, you’re not hungry, by any chance, are you?”

“Not really, but here’s your tights.”

“Sarah, now really! The whole point was that they’re supposed to be stretchy! With all this darning, how are they possibly going to be able to expand?”

“Oops, I dunno... You know the food you were going to give me? Was it a peach?”

“Er, well, now that you mention it...”

“In that case, I’m hungry, very hungry. Starving, in fact!”

So, amidst a whirl of weird arm gestures (pointless ones) from Jareth, a crystal ball appeared and was at once transmogrified into a peach. Sarah took a bite and didn’t make a face, even though it was very yucky. Then, because Ludo, Flopsy and Hoggle wanted to go to the inevitable ball too, Sarah let them have a bite each. Then they all floated off in Jareth’s balls, and Jareth disappeared with a flick of his hair and, of course, a cloud of smoke and some excruciating special effects. 

After wandering around aimlessly for a bit in the ball, Sarah stumbled across Jareth and gawped at him. He took her in his manly arms and tried to dance at the same time looking very sexy and seductive, but it didn’t work: He tripped over on his stilettos. 

“Oh Jareth, you twat!” cried Sarah.

“Ouch, that hurt!” said Jareth.

“You’ve mucked it all up now. I’m gonna go see what Hoggle’s doing!”

“Bugger?” said Jareth hopefully.

Sarah almost turned back, but she didn’t. She went to see if Hoggle would ask her to dance. But when Hoggle saw her, looking so beautiful (all those pretty cobwebs in her hair), he wouldn’t stop damning himself and Jareth, so she began to moan. 

But then some lovely music came on -- it was As the World Falls Down -- and Flopsy grabbed her and began dancing in a sexy way. Then he began to sing under his breath, in a scarily familiar, seductive way...

“Yuck!” said Sarah, and she turned away to be sick. 

“What are you doing?” Flopsy asked.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, tra la la?”

“Flopsy?...” 

And with that the Flopsy costume fell off and Jareth materialised from underneath. “Sarah, please will you dance with me?”

“No, Jareth, you may be sexy and seductive, but I’m not gonna let you embarrass yourself any more!”

“I thought you loved me...” And with that he limped off. (Awww!)

“Wait, Jareth -- why are you limping?”

“Oh, it doesn’t matter.” Jareth looked hard done by. “It’s just that my, er, ankle hurts. These stilettos really are a menace.”

“Er, Jareth, come here. I’m no longer mad at you. Have you noticed all the weird women wearing masks that keep draping themselves all over you?”

“Yeah, but you get used to it.”

“Oh, you’re so modest!” 

Jareth blushed and took her in his arms for the second time, whirling her round and round (occasionally squeaking in pain, and limping) till she said, “Jareth, I’m feeling dizzy and sick. Can you stop that, please?” 

As they gazed deep into each other’s eyes -- well, as Jareth gazed into Sarah’s rolling eyes, Jareth leant forward and at that very moment he knew... and Ludo jumped on them, yelling, “Jareth and Sarah friends!” and loads of rocks showered around them (it was the first Rolling Stones concert). 

Jareth said, “Bugger!” meaningfully to Sarah and detached himself from Ludo. Sarah burst into tears and ran to the side of the crystal ball and smashed it with a little chair, which was conveniently located, for no apparent reason. She and her friends fell onto a junk heap, leaving Jareth looking sexy, seductive and upset, behind.  Here they were accosted by a junkie woman! 

To skip boring stuff, and in a nutshell, whilst cutting a long story short, the junkie woman went through Sarah’s belongings, including Charrrrlee Bear and Betsy Booooooo (WARNING: To be accompanied by a terrible West-Country accent).  Sarah crept away from the junkie woman whilst she was fantasising about Charrrrlee Bear and managed to find her friends again, who appeared out of nowhere to save her. 

Eventually Sarah and her gang magically appeared at the gates of the Goblin City.  They had found out that the Name Tree was inside the castle, beyond the Goblin City, etc., already.  After fighting a random robot-knight-thing, they ran through the gates and were confronted by Jareth, posing in a window, watching his pathetic army all ready to fight them. 

The goblin army was quite weedy, really, and a few well-timed blows from Ludo’s rock "friends" and, of course, Flopsy’s random pebble “friends” (he was not to be outdone by his ex) finished them off. After all, the goblins had been only running around chasing each other. 

So Sarah and her friends, finally, after hiding in some random tiny house, which they couldn’t actually fit in (things weren’t always what they seemed in the Labyrinth), all burst out and landed in the castle beyond the Goblin City  Here they found Jareth, putting on lip gloss and gazing into a mirror, longingly. 

He turned to face them, smiling a very shining (and slightly glittery) smile. “I’ve brought you a gift...er... Could you mend it?  It will be a clog. At the moment, it is an image of a clog inside a crystal.”

Hoggle said aside, “Better known as – bah bah bah bum - the Clog of Eternal Stench!”

Jareth pretended not to hear this and looked at Sarah for an answer. Of course, this was needless. She was already minutely examining the heel of the clog in order to mend it, and she had a dreamy look in her eyes. “But...but...this’ll take forever!”

“It’s only forever, not long at all...” sang Jareth.

“Yippee!!!!!!!!” cried Sarah.

“Bugger!” said Jareth, “You weren’t meant to say that; oh well...” And he turned the crystal into a snake instead.

“Scream!” screamed Sarah and threw it down a staircase, where it turned into a clog anyway.

“I really need to practise that,” said Jareth wearily. 

Sarah rushed after it and realised that by some random illusion the clog was now roughly the size of Jareth’s wardrobe -- very large indeed! - And she stepped inside and, magically in front of her, standing upside down, was Jareth, looking sexy, seductive, shiny and, of course, newly clothed.  He started singing at her and flipping the right way up again.

“That’s very impressive. You know, I wish I could do it...” Sarah watched him.

“Well, I could teach you. You just put your hands here and then...”

“Jareth, I’m sorry, but I hardly think that’s what you do!  We’ll have time for that later...” Sarah took Jareth’s hands off her. “For now, Flopsy needs a new name.” 

So she dashed desperately around some staircases and eventually found a tree, with yet another of those helpful plaques telling her exactly what it was: “This is the Name Tree, completely pointless of course, because no one would bother to use a tree to change their name, surely?  But, here it is anyway. Well done for finding it.  Please remember to mend the clog. Thank you. Jareth.”  And that was nearly that.

“So, what’s my name now?” exclaimed _________, formerly known as Flopsy.

“Oh, I dunno,” said Jareth. “Floopy...or Droopy!!!!!!!!!  Yes, Droopy! Well, laugh...”  There was a brief titter, and a murmur of agreement from Ludo (who of course knew about what was in ______’s pants…or what would have been in _____’s pants if ______ had worn pants) and then to _________’s disgust, his name was Droopy.

“Bugger!” cried Droopy.

“Oh Droopy, *giggle,* I didn’t know you felt that way,” said Sarah, surprised. 

Jareth strode up looking sexy and seductive (which is usual for him) and just the tiniest bit jealous (which isn’t). He asserted himself by poking Droopy with his stick a few times and saying, “You don’t really think a young girl could like a repulsive little scab like you, do you?”

Sarah looked appreciative; Hoggle cheered; and Ludo looked smug.  As an afterthought, Jareth turned around and said, “Droopy, I really am sorry. I didn’t mean it. I never actually wanted it to be your name.

Sarah, in a sexy, seductive, but not quite natural voice, said, “What’s said is said.”  There were a few laughs (after prompting).

Hoggle, Ludo and Droopy faded into the distance as Jareth produced one of his balls and said to Sarah, in a somewhat husky voice, “Look what I’m offering you... Please don’t give me all that crap about dangers untold. Mind you, you probably can’t remember any of your lines, particularly not that one you always have trouble with, and I’m certainly not willing to stumble my way through that appalling speech again.”

“Well done for ruining the romantic atmosphere, but I forgive you. And seeing as you’ve already ruined it, I may as well ask you: What the hell were you doing with a clog in the first place?”

Jareth, looking sexy, seductive and a bit ashamed, muttered something about ankles still hurting and not being able to wear high heels.

“Fair enough, of course. I’m not going to turn you down again; I’ve had quite enough moaning for one 13-hour day, thank you.”

Jareth, smiling a sexy, seductive and cheeky smile, reminded her of the aforementioned “later,” with regards to the putting of hands in certain prominent places. Sarah grinned bashfully, pocketed the crystal and finally kissed him.

They broke apart after a surprisingly long time (to get some air), and Jareth blushed a deeply attractive red (which clashed horribly with his orange lipstick, but went rather nicely with his eyeliner...). He took her hand and led her away in the direction of his largest bedroom, humming something to the tune of Cracked Actor.

THE END!!!!

All original content © 1997 to the present by me, Elizabeth A. Allen..
Plagiarists will be suspended head-first in the Bog of Eternal Stench..