You know you’re a male Laby geek when…

1/6/06: Seeing a sorely neglected gap in Laby humor, Nick Berquist generously jumped in to fill it. He says, “As one of three male Labyrinth- obsessed fans, I felt it my duty to create my own list. All I have ever seen are lists for teenaged girls. JARETH IMPERSONATORS MUST UNITE! Ahem. I hope the file is satisfactory. ” Quite satisfactory, I should say. :D

  1. You are actually going somewhere dressed as Jareth, the Goblin King.
  2. You will be sewing your own costume.
  3. On your very own sewing machine.
  4. You are unashamed at this.
  5. You become more than slightly homicidal when people refer to Jareth and/or David Bowie as a fairy or drag queen.
  6. You’ve introduced yourself as “Hello, I’m Jareth the Goblin King. Perhaps you’ve heard of me?” at public functions.
  7. You had to shop in the women’s shoe section so that you could finish your Jareth costume.
  8. You squeal like a little girl whenever you see anything even remotely Labyrinth related.
  9. You have wanted to be Jareth since you were five years old.
  10. You have a man-crush on David Bowie because he is just so COOL!
  11. David Bowie is the only man you would ever consider snogging, even though you are STRAIGHT!
  12. You receive funny looks when you are at the local drug store, looking for hypoallergenic silver eye makeup.
  13. You have a Labyrinth poster on your wall… and some pictures… and a button… and a postcard…
  14. You are spending the better part of six months trying to slim down so you can pull off the willowy Fae king thing.
  15. Your girlfriend knows you have a man-crush on David Bowie, and she’s ok with it.
  16. You’re the author of at least one Labyrinth fanfiction. And it’s not an action one either.
  17. Your girlfriend, under duress by you, has agreed to dress up like Sarah so you and she can go to a fantasy convention together.
  18. When going to the store to buy eye make-up. The clerk looks at you strangely, asks you what you’re looking for, and then promptly runs away when you respond: “Shiiiny sparkly eye goop! Of course!”
  19. When discussing Jareth, you become emotionally unstable, start crying, and wail “But he’s just so sparkly!”
  20. You try to sphereplay with oranges/clementines/apples.
  21. Your answering machine message is Laby related. (Mine: “Hello, you’ve reached the Goblin King. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and leave a message after the beep.”)
  22. Whenever someone says, “It’s not fair!” you promptly reply, “You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is.”
  23. You threaten to tip people headfirst into the Bog of Eternal Stench.
  24. You have multiple copies of the movie. (I have three. ACK! STOP LAUGHING AT ME!)
  25. You irritate your friends to no end by saying the lines along with the characters when watching Labyrinth.
  26. You aspire to be a tight-pantsed, high-heeled, poofy-shirted, spiky-haired, SPARKLY Goblin King.
  27. You strangle anyone who laughs at this.
  28. You have an extensive collection of Labyrinth fanfiction. Again, not action/adventure.
  29. You are perfectly secure with this!
  30. You have actually tried to learn the choreography for “Dance Magic.”
  31. You have a realistic looking baby doll, whom you call Toby, that you systematically kidnap and dance with. (… Of course I don’t do that. What are you talking about? STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!)
  32. You have an unhealthy obsession with eyeliner.
  33. You have actually sung “As the World Falls Down” to your cat.
  34. This is a normal occurrence at your house.
  35. On the internet, your bookmarks are as follows: David Bowie, Rimmel Makeup, MAC Makeup, ABC Wigs, the Yahoo Labyrinth Costumers Guild, Cormak’s Jareth/Sarah site, Amethyst’s Labyrinth fanfiction site, Joann’s Fabric, Hancock Fabric, etc etc etc…
  36. Your computer is threatening to explode because you have saved so many J/S pics.
  37. David Bowie makes you feel all warm and furzy inside.
  38. Death awaits all who insult our sparkly Goblin King.
  39. You have started a cult to the sparkly Goblin King.
  40. The people at Joann’s and Hancock Fabric know you on a first-name basis and run to hide whenever you walk through the door.
  41. You nearly had heart failure when you saw that someone else made Jareth’s ballroom costume.
  42. You have a MAJOR crush on Jennifer Connelly. (Just don’t tell my girlfriend.)
  43. You girlfriend looks at you strangely when you come home bearing a large box with BALLGOWN on it.
  44. You have made or are making Jareth’s amulet.
  45. WWJD now means What Would Jareth Do?
  46. You spend hours going through your Labyrinth video, pausing it, and sketching costumes.
  47. When seeing a preview of the film Marie Antoinette, you first thought is: “Ooh! Those look like the Ballroom guests! Could they have possibly made a sequel?”
  48. If there ever is a Labyrinth sequel, you will go see it in costume.
  49. 20 times.
  50. Even though it’s bound to be bollocks.


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