Thanks to sailorzeo, who sent me the first 12 books of Laurell Hamilton’s Anita Blaker Vampire Hunter series [previously discussed here], I can now summarize books 1-6 for you.

1. Mary Sue Anita uses her Super-Awesome Bestest Zombie Powers in the whole wide world!!!!!! to solve a police procedural in which yet another Evil Sick Twisted Bastard Beyond Imagining is seriously fucking shit up. The audience turns its brains off and goes for the ride.

2. Mary Sue Anita fights with her main snooze squeeze, Richard the Hairy Wolf Dude, about how he should kill other werewolves in order to insure his status as alpha male. The audience wonders what these two see in each other, since they have no common interests and about as much chemistry of a heap of wet pine needles.

3. Mary Sue Anita fights with other main squeeze, the vampiric and ridiculously dressed Jean-Claude. The audience chokes on its laughter, since Jean-Claude appears to take fashion cues from Jareth the Goblin King in Labyrinth, only with less sense of humor. The audience then reads the scenes between Mary Sue and Clotheshorse much more avidly, since these two seem well-matched, but Clotheshorse soon flits away, leaving the audience in a semi-dormant torpor once more.

4. Gratuitous descriptions of PARTLY DISMEMBERED BODIES!!! The audience rolls its eyes.

5. Gratuitous fight between Mary Sue and some rival for either Hair Club’s or Clotheshorse’s affections. The audience secretly roots for the rival to kick Mary Sue’s ass, but Mary Sue’s ass is impenetrable, even by her "preternatural" [which means "unusual," LKH, not "supernatural" — DAMN YOU!] butt monkeys.

6. Repetition ad nauseam of the following: Anita’s age [24], Anita’s "tough-as-nails" demeanor, Jean-Claude’s entirely-masculine-and-so-totally-not-at- all-androgynous-and-not-the-least-bit-sexually-ambiguous-why-would-you-even-say-that-I’m-STRAIGHT-straight-I-tell-you-iiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee! physique, Jean-Claude’s "beautiful mask" of a face, fur "flowing" [?!] over a transforming lycanthrope, vampires who "flash fangs" [they never "flash THEIR fangs," which irritates me to no end], and the conspicuous absence of any gay tension between Furface and Fangface, despite the fact that they are in a menage a trois with Mary Sue, and Jean-Claude seems like the omnisexual type to use sex as a form of power.

7. Profit!