Keanu Reaves as Jonathan Harker: [brain is on screensaver]

Anthony Hopkins as Abraham van Helsing: I chew ze scenery, ja? Is between my tees, ja? HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Bill Campbell as Quincey P. Morris: Goldurn it and tarnation! I’m madder than a riled-up hornet. Dadgum — how many fake folksy expressions does a feller have to use to compensate for the fact that his Texan hick character has got as much karikter development as an advertising picture on the side of a feed sack?

Gary Oldman as Dracula: I am sensitive. Note the deep wells of feeling in my large liquid brown puppy-dog eyes. Well, actually, they’re more like the eyes of a hairy horny werewolf, given that I screw Sadie Frost’s character on a sundial in a labyrinth while looking like a monkey/bat combo. But pay no attention to my furry palms.

Winona Ryder as Mina Murray: Sure, it makes no sense at all that an unaccompanied fin-de-siecle woman engaged to be married to an utter twit would a) be walking around scummy London unaccompanied and b) allow herself to be accosted by a mysterious “Prince Vlad” and then c) go see nudie movies with him and d) pet wolves, but THROW ME A BONE HERE! I’m doing the best I can with utterly stupid material.

Bosoms: [heave heave]

Red Water: [gush gush]

Scenery: Hello! We are obviously matte paintings and sound stages and overly employed dry ice! Not to mention soap flakes for snow. But you should give us an Oscar anyway. Or two. Or three. PLEAAAAAASE.

Crosses: Watch how we break. This is Very Symbolic. VERY SYMBOLIC.

Annie Lennox: You know, I’m just going to ignore the entire movie and write a seriously awesome love song for the end credits that transcends any of the efforts put forth by the cast in terms of quality. 

EDITED TO ADD: Viewers: Mmm, this cheese tastes good.