EDIT: Elle m’attend chez moi! Tracking says it was signed for by me despite the fact that I was at work downtown when the delivery occurred. I guess my signed note worked this time!

According to UPS tracking, Jennifer is “out for delivery” as of 4:15 AM. However, I do not know if I will get her today. Sometimes UPS will deliver 3 day select packages without a signature; sometimes a signature is required. I have tried to obviate the signature requirement by leaving a signed note on the door that says —

Dear UPS,
Gimme my dolly.

Regards,
an impatient customer.

This strategy works only sporadically. Sometimes I return home to find an attempted delivery notice next to my signed note. I find this incredibly irritating. Why doesn’t UPS just leave the following —

Dear impatient customer,
We tried to deliver your dolly when we knew you’d be at work, but, of course, you were at work, so we stood on the steps for 30 seconds while ringing your doorbell. Then we sprinted off.

You know, you could have gotten your dolly today if you had STAYED HOME, but nooooo, you had to go off and do something responsible and money-earning like work. Loser.

You don’t get the dolly you’ve been waiting for. Now you’ll have to either bribe your landlords to sign for the dolly [assuming they’ll be around], set up another delivery time [assuming that we come when we say we will], pick up the dolly at our distribution center [oh wait — you don’t have a car, loser!] or take time off from work to stake out the mailbox. Good luck.

Excuse us. You weren’t supposed to hear that maniacal sniggering.

If you ever want to send something less expensively and more rapidly, may we suggest the U.S. postal service?

See you later [maybe]. In the mean time, we’ll be playing with your dolly. Neener.

Fondly,
UPS.

I chose UPS because the sender said it would be quicker for her to get to the UPS office rather than the post office. Thinking that UPS would be quicker, I neglected to factor in the “neener game” that UPS likes to play. Let this be an object lesson never to use UPS again [even if, by some miracle, they feel like delivering Jennifer today].