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50 Shades of Poooo, book 1, chapter 12: not missing it this time

50 Shades of Poooo, book 1, chapter 12: not missing it this time published on No Comments on 50 Shades of Poooo, book 1, chapter 12: not missing it this time

After having read Clarissa, which handled the whole rape scene plot in a frighteningly realistic manner, I repair to 50 Shades of Pooooooooo, chapter 12, location of a rape scene that I’ve apparently missed all the times I’ve looked at it.


Just in case you need a refresher, when we last left our clueless protagonist Ana, she was reading Christian’s ridiculous bdsm “contract,” which made “a very moist and integral part of me that I’ve only become acquainted with very recently, …seriously turned on” [p. 186]. Wait…the lining of her small intestine?!


Anyway, as chapter 12 begins, Ana goes for a run. Of course, I’ve been screaming this at her since the beginning.


P. 187: “I need to expend some of this excess, enervating energy.” Just in case I needed further proof that no one edited this at all before its traditional publishing debut, here James describes “energy” as “enervating,” which is “causing one to feel drained of energy or vitality.” Yeah, I hate it when having all this extra energy makes me feel like I don’t have any energy. >_> I’m willing to entertain the notion that feeling buzzed and physically wound up can be exhausting, just because of all the tension pinging around inside oneself that one might not know how to dispel, but I doubt that’s what’s happening here. What’s happening here is that our English major protagonist is again failing at the use of her native language.

Ana decides to E-mail Christian, but first she has to endure her insufferable friend Kate’s showing off some swimsuits and sarongs for her upcoming tropical vacation. Kate is not actually insufferable, but Ana, who describes Kate as “the inquisition” whenever she asks a single question and moans about Kate’s “curvy, slim figure to die for” [p. 188] whenever she has to look at her, sure makes her come off that way. Hmmm…no…actually, Ana is the insufferable one, and I wonder why Kate hangs around with a person who calls her a friend, yet appreciates nothing about her. Ana is one of the least reliable narrators ever, but not in an interesting way, just in a dull, repugnant way.

In response to Christian’s dippy “contract,” Ana sends him a brief “nice knowin’ ya” E-mail. Even as she sends her “little joke” kiss-off, she worries that Christian might take her seriously. You know what? I wish she’d take him seriously and refer to the video above for advice.

Of course, since Christian has been watching her from his surveillance room and listening to his theme song on endless repeat, he pops up in her bedroom doorway. Goddamn — he’s like Nosferatu, just looming forward, endlessly, ominously, ineluctably, cutting across time and space to consume people.


Christian in Ana's doorway.
Christian in Ana’s doorway.

Please note Ana’s reactions here. Her first thought is [p. 189], “Fuck!” Even though she thinks he’s hot, this is definitely not a description of what she’d like to do right now. It’s more like this.

Just in case you weren’t sure that Ana’s not really happy to see him, she starts “plotting an escape route” [!] [p. 189] when he sits on her bed. Unfortunately, she discerns that she does not have one, so Christian proceeds to intimidate her. “I’m all deer/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake,” Ana reports [p. 190], “and he knows exactly what he’s doing to me.” Yes — given that she just coughed up three metaphors of living beings at the precise moment before they’re destroyed, we can figure out exactly that he’s terrifying the shit out of her. She didn’t consent to any of this! It’s not sexy at all!

Argle bargle bargle grey eyes smoldering blargh blargh barf lip biting blabbity bloop ridiculous verbs that no one actually does, not to mention a silly tie. Christian ties her to the bed with the tie depicted on the cover of the book, then starts undoing one of her shoes.

P. 192: ” ‘No,’ I protest, trying to kick him off.

“He stops.

” ‘If you struggle, I’ll tie your feet too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you. Keep quiet. Katherine is probably outside listening right now.’

Gag me! Kate! I shut up.”

Yeah, gag me all right!

Ana says no, and, despite Christian’s brilliant comprehension of the negative when Ana shoves away Jose back in chapter 4, he ignores her. I don’t care if she thinks he’s sexy. He’s still a terrifying rapist.



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