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Originality? Check. Fascinating ideas? Check. Witty writing? Check. Characters and plot? Nah.

Originality? Check. Fascinating ideas? Check. Witty writing? Check. Characters and plot? Nah. published on No Comments on Originality? Check. Fascinating ideas? Check. Witty writing? Check. Characters and plot? Nah.

If you get H.G. Wells, Sherlock Holmes, Oscar Wilde, William James, Nikolai Tesla and Dracula all together in the same room for a night of philosophical speculation on the eve of the 19th century, it’s got to be good…or, at the very least, fascinating and unusual. Makes you want to read the book, right? The Hunger and Ecstasy of Vampires by Brian Stableford thus kicks off with an original, engrossing premise: that the aforementioned luminaries, fictional and otherwise, have gathered to listen to the narrative of a man who claims that he has time-traveled to a far future when vampires have subjugated humankind.

This idea could definitely sustain a novel or 3, but …Continue reading Originality? Check. Fascinating ideas? Check. Witty writing? Check. Characters and plot? Nah.

Incredibly anti-fat, anti-happiness ad for Realize Gastric Band

Incredibly anti-fat, anti-happiness ad for Realize Gastric Band published on 11 Comments on Incredibly anti-fat, anti-happiness ad for Realize Gastric Band

From Shakesville, Paul McAleer of Big Fat Blog posting…This horrid TV commercial on the Realize Gastric Band site equates the controversial stomach reduction surgery known as gastric banding with happiness, success and fulfillment. It does so with dramatized examples of 1) a fat man playing with his karate-learning kidsy and 2) a fat woman slow-dancing with her [also fat] romantic partner. The fat man in 1) says, “I want to watch my little warrior do karate” or something very similar. The fat woman in 2) says, “I want to kiss him [romantic partner] under the Eiffel Tower.” 

The commercial goes on to tell viewers how the Realize Band can help them get what they want. “Ask your doctor if bariatric surgery is right for you,” the voiceover encourages. The commercial concludes with how wonderful the Realize Band is, especially since you can track your success and have a support group. Incidentally, “tracking your success” is accompanied by a picture on a user’s computer screen of a line graph showing a steady trend downward. We also see an animated female morphing from fat to less fat.

This ad is offensive for so many reasons. Where do I start?

1. The fat man and fat woman who have exciting goals in life do NOT have to undergo bariatric surgery in order to achieve them. In fact, bariatric surgery has nothing to do with their goals, which are about the people they love. Being fat does not impede one’s ability to love, support and show affection for one’s loved ones. Being less fat is not necessary in order to truly prove one’s devotion to another person.

However, the commercial for the Realize Band obviously wants to encourage potential consumers that, if they really loved their families, they would undergo controversial, risky and damaging surgery. In this way, the Realize Band perpetuates the old chestnut that a person’s weight/physicality/shape/size represents a moral issue. According to this commercial’s subtext, being fat is a deep personal failing and horrible vice.

2. I object to ads for medical procedures that motivate the consumer to say, “I want this product. Doctor, give it to me!” While I’m all for being an aggressive, assertive, inquisitive consumer and searching out a range of treatment options for any condition, I do not think that people who suggest treatments they have seen on TV are truly being informed consumers. As I illustrate in point 1, TV ads such as this one for the Realize Band work in impressions, rather than information. Realize Band’s commercial here exploits feelings of guilt, inadequacy and shame to motivate people to use its product. Feelings of personal worthlessness stemming from emotional manipulation never make a good basis for choosing a particular medical treatment.

3. The concept of “tracking your success” gives the false impression that the Realize Band will have a wholly beneficial effect on one’s life, which could not be further from the truth. Gastric reduction or bypass surgery creates a host of health effects in those who have it. 

–For example, since one’s stomach has been drastically reduced and/or routed around, one loses the ability to easily absorb nutrients and minerals. One can’t just take supplements to combat these deficiencies. Anemia may result from iron deficiency. You may need intravenous iron infusions for the rest of your life.

–One’s stomach often becomes much more sensitive to spicy, hard or dense foods. One may get bad heartburn or what the business likes to call “productive burping.”  Actually, “productive burping” isn’t just about embarrassing noises emanating from your gut; it’s about throwing up. Gastric bypass or banding surgery increases the chances of the survivor throwing up a whole lot. 

–If a survivor of gastric surgery throws up a lot, stomach acid flows frequently across the teeth. Like people with bulimia, survivors of gastric bypass or banding may suffer rapid degradation of their dental enamel. This is not the picture of an unqualified success.

4. While the Realize Band commercial shows a picture of “success,” i.e., steady weight loss, in the form of the downward trending line graph and the shrinking woman, the story is rarely this straightforward. Gastric bypass or banding surgery often results in an initial weight loss. However, very few people keep off all of the weight that they shed. In fact, they may slowly gain it back. For example, one study associates laparoscopic bands, like the Realize Band, with “inadequate weight loss” and “uncontrollable weight regain” in some patients.  Another recent long-term study of people who have had gastric bypass surgery found that about half of participants regained weight within 2 years after their surgery. A study with a 10-year perspective on gastric-bypass survivors notes, “Significant weight gain occurs continuously in patients after reaching the nadir weight.” It is very rare for a person who has had gastric surgery to go from size 22 to size 12, which it looks like what is happening in the commercial’s illustration. 

5. The fat man and the fat woman look perfectly happy as they are. Maybe if they stopped internalizing the medical community’s hatred of their shapes and realized that their size does not limit their capacity for humane, compassionate, joyful existence, they truly would reach their stated goals.

Stupid, insulting ad.

Visible disability encoded as “culturally feminine??”

Visible disability encoded as “culturally feminine??” published on No Comments on Visible disability encoded as “culturally feminine??”

Gauge, proprietor of the Radical Masculinity blog, muses on the struggles of those who have identities both as butch persons and persons with disabilities. Gauge observes that visible disability simultaneously highlights and erases those who have it. Visible disability highlights its possessors because the obvious physical symptoms and/or implements of physical disability catch viewers’ eyes rather than the people themselves. Relatedly, Gauge explains, visible disability erases the people who have it because viewers tend to concentrate on the manifestations of disability, the superficial signs, rather than the character of the people who have the disabilities. I think this is a great explanation for how stereotypes work; they HIGHLIGHT or emphasize certain traits of people in a stereotyped group, then ERASE the individuality of particular persons within the group because the perps of the stereotypes are too busy seeing the stereotype, not the people upon which they are projecting the stereotype.

Butch-wise, Gauge observes that butch identity has its roots in a working-class conception of strong, independent persons engaged in physical labor, those who protected, repressed their feelings and evinced strength both mental and physical. The brute fact of having a disability and experiencing physical weakness, dysfunction and/or need for assistance often conflicts with the conception of butch identity as physically strong. In lieu of such a limiting definition, Gauge argues for a definition of butch identity that focuses on the characters of those who evince it:

Being butch is about honor, pride, being a nurturer and protector of the community, about helping others, and many other qualities of character and identity both able-bodied and disabled butches share. 

It is possible to do that through the force of character, not necessarily through the force of muscles. Gauge boils down masculinity to its positive, helpful traits and demonstrates that one can be constructively masculine, something I don’t think many people, no matter what their gender identity, know how to do!

BTVS season 2, ep “School Hard”

BTVS season 2, ep “School Hard” published on 1 Comment on BTVS season 2, ep “School Hard”

I just watched [well, listened to] this ep, my first reacquaintance with BTVS in a long time. In the introduction of Spike and his inevitable confrontation and therefore contrast with Angel, the show creators prove how much they failed in portraying Angel as an interesting, desirable, attractive character.

Spike, as a more flamboyant, demonstrative character, is instantly engaging. Whereas Angel lurks in the shadows and interests the audience because he’s a mystery, Spike from his debut evinces positive personality traits that get the viewers perked up.

Upon entering the screen and crashing the Sunnydale sign, he demonstrates recklessness, sarcasm and the bad-boy attitude that I believe Angel was supposed to be endowed with. Since Spike actually does something from the get-go instead of just hanging around, he commands attention. He engages viewers not because he’s a cipher, but because he’s an energetic presence.

Spike benefits not only from a contrast with the introverted, suffering, mysterious, repressed Angel, but also with vampires in general as portrayed on BTVS. Seasons 1 and 2 show the vampires of Sunnydale relishing the kill and maybe making a mordant joke or two, but generally they take themselves very seriously. The Annoying One and his henchmen epitomize this tendency; all they do is stand around making dire pronouncements, barking orders and snarling. Spike undercuts this pomposity from the start with his impromptu drop-in and his skeptical sneer at Henchman A that of course Henchman A wasn’t at the Crucifixion because, if all vamps were at the Crucifixion who said they were, “it would have been like Woodstock.” Spike’s cavalier attitude toward the Annoying One’s deadly seriousness shows that he has a sense of humor, something that all the other vamps apparently lost when they were turned. He’s like the built-in peanut gallery of the Hellmouth, always ready with snarky comments about the pretentiousness of vampires and the general silliness of the whole thing. In this way, he takes on the ironic self-consciousness of the viewers who are laughing at the whole idea of slaying vampires. We like him because he flatters us by being like us.

I think, if he really wanted to be convincing, Angel should have gotten some of Spike’s traits. Why does Angel have to be defined by his suffering and his mystery? Couldn’t he have a sense of humor, especially since everyone else in the show does? I think  that was a tragic waste of an actor on the show’s creators’ part, especially since David Boreanaz does have a comic sensibility, especially as an expressive, reactive “straight man.”

P.S. As much as I love the scoring for the show, very stirring and dramatic, I mostly wished it would shut up because it kept overdetermining the emotional content of the scenes. I could just listen to hours of the emotionally freighted music without the script behind it.

Will is on the way.

Will is on the way. published on 2 Comments on Will is on the way.

I E-mailed the dealer and said I wanted my order canceled and card refunded. He said he could send Will out today if I still wanted him. I said yes. He sent Will out. Now I have a tracking number for a priority mail package, which should take 2 days to come from New York, if mailed today. Assuming he’s mailed today, Will will either come Saturday [ohpleaseohpleaseohplease] or Monday.

…Hey wait…no one’s listening.

Ambivalence toward Nazi dolls

Ambivalence toward Nazi dolls published on No Comments on Ambivalence toward Nazi dolls

While poking around online, looking for more information about DiD’s Hitler Youth figs [one of which, Timo Ducca, will be supplying Davry’s head], I found another Hitler Youth fig [Hermann Weber] sold at a site called PzG. Billed as “Your Third Reich Nazi Adolf Hitler HQ!,” this site promises products “void of distracting propaganda and politically correct distortions.” What does that mean? Uh, that means you can get reproductions of anti-Semitic posters put out by the Nazi regime, mouse pads with Hitler portraits, costumes for reenactors and 1:6 figs of WWII German soldiers.

Why yes — it’s an Internet storefront run by white supremacists, a fact reinforced by the photos of satisfied customers giving straight-armed salutes. The militant, defensive, unreasoning hatred oozing from this site — even though it pretends to be reasonable and balanced — makes me feel queasy. I am distressed that some weirdo extremists want to glorify and relive what other people find interesting for historical, admonitory or just military reasons.

Fantasy/sci fi lovers: I have good books for you!

Fantasy/sci fi lovers: I have good books for you! published on No Comments on Fantasy/sci fi lovers: I have good books for you!

Bet most of you [that means 2 out of my 3 readers] don’t know that I write sci-fi/fantasy reviews for The Fix Online. I’ll be linking from the Blog of Eternal Stench to my reviews at The Fix from now on. Anyway, for those interested in fairy tales, gothic baroque writing a la Tanith Lee or Angela Carter, not to mention a semi-Byronic hero who meets his match, check out my latest review of the novella The Duke in His Castle by my friend Vera Nazarian. To get a taste of her energetic, precise, creative and engaging style, read the complementary interview I did with her.

Here’s my other work at The Fix:

Interviews in reverse chronological order:

Catherynne M. Valente

Ellen Klages

Ellen Datlow

Reviews in reverse chronological order:

The Duke in His Castle, by Vera Nazarian

Lace and Blade, edited by Deborah Ross

Fantasy and Science Fiction, March, 2008

Fantasy and Science Fiction, February, 2008

Inferno: New Tales of Terror and the Supernatural, edited by Ellen Datlow

Heroes in Training, edited by Martin Greenberg and Jim Hines

Marion Zimmer Bradley’s Sword & Sorceress XXII, edited by Elisabeth Waters

So Fey: Queer Fairy Fiction, edited by Steve Berman

Where vampirism is human nature and the end is death [The Vampire Tapestry by S. Charnas]

Where vampirism is human nature and the end is death [The Vampire Tapestry by S. Charnas] published on 1 Comment on Where vampirism is human nature and the end is death [The Vampire Tapestry by S. Charnas]

Despite its silly title and remote, slow-moving beginning, The Vampire Tapestry by Suzy Charnas turns into a powerful meditation on humanity [well, that’s how I interpret it]. Through several interconnected stories, Tapestry follows Edward Weyland, one of the most realistic vampires ever designed. A long-lived, emotionally remote predator who resembles his human prey due to extensive mimicking capabilities, Weyland approaches his existence without sentiment, moral qualm or engagement with the human world. He masquerades as a brilliant university professor involved in dream research, but a rare hunting mistake leads him to injury at the hands of a would-be vampire hunter. The rest of the stories follow Weyland imprisoned and harassed by New Age weirdos, in therapy (!) with a woman who falls in lust with him, viewing opera that touches him emotionally [much to his alarm] and otherwise forming a close bond with his prey. 

Charnas exerts herself mightily to make Weyland a non-human and comprehensible being, which she does, but, since the whole point of the book has him taking on humane characteristics, I do not read Weyland as an alien being, no matter how much Charnas wishes me to. Instead, I read him as an alienated person. He starts off as unreflective and sociopathic, but grows more emotionally expressive and reflective as the stories progress. His development toward humanity occurs not because he develops a moral scale, but because he develops a sense of himself as a social being, affected by other people, their feelings and actions. In a way, Charnas may be putting forth the interesting argument here that it is our sociality, rather than our morality, that defines us as human. 

Charnas’ story about a man struggling to become human without being overwhelmed by empathy takes on poignant dimensions in the end, when Weyland feels less like an aloof predator and more like a sponge overrun with the feelings of other people. He can’t take it any more, so he chooses to enter a period of hibernation, which effectively means death for the Weyland persona and all memories and experiences associated with it. For me, the ending is heartbreaking because Weyland feels assaulted by all that emotion, but also promising; though overwhelmed, he realizes that his hibernation will not end everything, but will send him back into the cycle and prompt a new rehumanization. He seems to accept his humanity, however grudgingly, because he keeps choosing to subject himself to it. It’s an expert use of vampiric metaphors to explore the very human themes of life, death, hope and redemption.

Where is Will?!?!?!

Where is Will?!?!?! published on No Comments on Where is Will?!?!?!

So I just finished my ‘bash of 1:6 Gemini, and I’m getting another Mark doll from a generous MWDer. My 1:3 Will is also returning from a customizer, ready for a new, meretricious faceup. I’m excited to start taking pictures of my LHF cast again, but I am agitated because my 1:6 Will hasn’t shipped, even though my card was charged on May 20th. I WANT MY DOLLY!

Is blogging a form of activism?

Is blogging a form of activism? published on No Comments on Is blogging a form of activism?

Does it make a difference? Does its capacity for change depend on how many readers you have? How does it measure in efficacy compared to writing letters to the editor, sending complaint E-mails, protesting with signs on the town green, marching in yearly celebratory parades, boycotting, writing sarcastic graffiti on ads, making Web comics, praying, delivering sermons, donating to fundraisers, yelling at your TV, lobbying local/state/national government, etc.?

Michelle Obama Sexism Watch keeps an eye on the bigots crawling out of the woodwork.

Michelle Obama Sexism Watch keeps an eye on the bigots crawling out of the woodwork. published on No Comments on Michelle Obama Sexism Watch keeps an eye on the bigots crawling out of the woodwork.

With Barack Obama cinching the Democratic nomination for President, he and his family now suffer even more scrutiny and bullshit from those who can’t bear the thought of a black guy in the world’s most powerful office. Michelle Obama Watch, a newly instituted blog, stays on top of one form of prejudice in particular: those attacks directed at Michelle Obama and the “wee Michelles” :D, Sasha and Malia. Stay on top of the poo-flinging from all quarters with this rapidly [and tragically] expanding Web site.

P.S. Ever since developing a minor obsession with the notoriously shielded Chelsea Clinton, who moved into the White House when she was a teenager just a few years younger than me, I’ve been particularly vigilant about the mainstream media’s use of Presidential or possibly Presidential kids. I supported the Clintons’ decision to privatize Chelsea as much as possible, and I continually applaud Chelsea’s opacity and reserve in the face of the press constantly asking her stupid prying questions. I think that her parents’ attempts to create a Poo-Flinging-Free Zone around Chelsea in her childhood allowed her to develop into the tough character that she is today. Now that she is an adult and the anti-poo shields are down, she clearly has a force field of determination and composure that allows her to resist the intrusive idiocy of the mainstream media.

I see the Obamas creating the same Poo-Free Zone for Sasha and Malia. While Sasha and Malia appear with their parents at campaign events and while their dad refers to them in interviews, both Sasha’s mom and dad protect them from direct interrogation. They also do not exploit their girls as campaign symbols. I have hope that they will keep such vigilant protection around Sasha and Malia for as long as the Obamas remain in the political arena, not because the wee Michelles 😀 are delicate feminine flowers that can be shattered easily by animosity, but because they are kids who deserve a healthy environment in which to grow up. A healthy environment means one in which they can build realistic self-concepts without people constantly questioning and criticizing them.

All of this is to say that one of the recent entries in the Michelle Obama Watch especially unnerves me. It’s the entry about an artist whose exhibit, The Assassination of Hillary Clinton/The Assassination of Barack Obama, included a picture of Sasha and Malia labeled “nappy-headed hos.” It’s bigoted and stupid and racist and objectionable to launch such nasty aspersions at any member of the Obama family, but it’s especially bigoted, stupid, racist and objectionable to use these terms to describe the Obama daughters, who, as children under the age of all marks of adulthood [voting, driving, drinking, consenting], are minors without power or recourse to defend themselves from such stupidity. The artist’s statement that he wanted to “raise dialog” about “substantive things” misses the point that name-calling people who are littler than you actually kills the opportunity for civil discourse, even if you think you’re doing it ironically. Inflammatory language like “nappy-headed hos” makes you look like an insensitive douchebag who’s so out of touch with reality that he doesn’t realize the punishing power of language, especially when wielded by the powerful over the powerless.

I’m trying to think of a tag for entries that discuss “race,” ethnic background, skin color and related stereotypes, bigotry, beliefs, etc.

Just in case you weren’t convinced that PETA thinks women = meat…

Just in case you weren’t convinced that PETA thinks women = meat… published on 1 Comment on Just in case you weren’t convinced that PETA thinks women = meat…

Feministing links to a recent PETA  “demonstration” outside City Hall in Memphis during Vegetarian Week. With a mostly naked man and woman splattered in red paint and wrapped in plastic wrap on an 80 degree F + day, PETA is apparently demonstrating that inhumane, degrading treatment of non-human animals may not be okay, but inhumane, degrading treatment of people is perfectly fine. Mike Brown, photog for the Commercial Appeal, who photoed the event, agrees with me on the astounding levels of hypocrisy and sadism demonstrated in PETA’s stupid, sexist tactics. Aforementioned photo is below the cut. Take the link about Mike Brown for complete context. I previously discussed objectification of women as meat here.

 

What passes for normal in the LHF universe

What passes for normal in the LHF universe published on 2 Comments on What passes for normal in the LHF universe

Davry started out as an experiment in 3-D modeling to see if I could modify a model with average proportions to make a character with achondroplasia, one of the most common types of dwarfism. Then, as soon as I developed his smirk, he informed me that he was a straight guy [unlike most LHF characters], a steampunk aficionado and a UUU [Unitarian vampire]. You’ll see him in the future, primarily because anyone with an expression like the one shown below is irresistible!

P.S. I think I managed to incorporate the common traits of achondroplasia into his physical features.

City of Bones, Trashcan of Dead Plots

City of Bones, Trashcan of Dead Plots published on 3 Comments on City of Bones, Trashcan of Dead Plots

I just read City of Bones [Book 1, Mortal Instruments trilogy] by Cassandra Clare, in which 15-year-old Mary Sue Buffy Princess Leia Clary and her dorky friend Xander Simon [who has a crush on her] experience the supernatural world of the Hellmouth New York City.

While grooving at the Bronze Pandemonium, Buffy and Xander Clary and Simon happen to see Cordelia and the fangirl’s Draco Malfoy Isabella and Luke Skywalker or maybe Han Solo, since he acts like a douchebag most of the time Jace dust a vamp kill a demon. Turns out that Cordelia and Draco are super-special supernatural Slayers Shadowhunters whose fated burden it is to dust vamps kill demons with a variety of cool weapons and magic.

Naturally, Buffy discovers that she too is a Slayer, so she accompanies the Scoobies to Hogwarts the Institute, a wizarding academy Shadowhunter school, presided over by the grandfatherly Dumbledore Hodge [who has a pet phoenix raven]. She learns about her special Slayer heritage while making goo-goo eyes at Draco and kicking monster butt with l33t skillz that will only surprise you if you’ve never read any Mary Sue stories at all. There’s some crap about a banished evil resistance of anti-mudbloods anti-demon, pro-purity wizards Shadowhunters headed by the charismatic and deadly Darth Vader Voldemort Valentine and the pursuit of a Goblet of Fire One Ring Excalibur Mortal Cup, all of which drives the plot. Princess Buffy and and Draco Skywalker run around, getting on each other’s nerves, until they find the Cup and the truth about their parentage, which is that Darth Voldemort is their father and that they are siblings. Blah blah blah, cliffhanger ending with gratuitous flying motorcycles.

Now I have a long long love affair with fan fiction, especially since my sister and I were doing Labyrinth-based self-insertion tangential fantasies [super-powered twins with Jareth as a father and Sarah as a sister in a world where magic existed, along with many mythical beings and characters from Back to the Future, Disney’s Little Mermaid, etc.] from the age of 8. We shamelessly ripped off our most and least favorite media and spun weird sci-fi plots and make countless overdone jokes. Then we developed our own individual styles of writing and creating, which were clearly reformulating and addressing the media which we had grown up with, but were obviously doing so in an original way.

I am not saying that fanfic is stupid and immature and published professional fiction is better and more mature. I’m just saying that there are different expectations for professional published fiction. In professional published fiction, you have to cite your sources, either literally if you are quoting directly, or figuratively. To do so figuratively, you put your signature on the old tropes so that we know that you’ve actually paid attention to them and not just regurgitated them whole. Clare has not sufficiently degenerated hah Freudian slip! differentiated City of Bones from the rest of the garbage in the Trashcan of Dead Plots.

As I’m sure you gather from the sarcasm in my plot summary, I do not think that Clare cites her sources at all. I think she just hurks them up in such big, obvious chunks that I can easily identify what books and movies she devoured earlier in her life. I don’t want to look at your recycled lunch, Cassandra. In fact, I don’t want to see anything more from you until you can convert the media you consume into actual food for original thought.

P.S. Your vampires were supremely dull.

Gemini comes to 1:6!

Gemini comes to 1:6! published on No Comments on Gemini comes to 1:6!

Nobody knows this except my wife [and now the 3 readers of this blog], but Velvette from LHF has two siblings [that she knows about]. One is her sister Janet, technically her half-sister since they share a mom. But she also has another half-sister, Gemini Beaumont, member of the End of the World [Provincetown vampire clan]. I currently have Velvette and Janet in 1:6, but Gemini will soon join them.

Janet’s an Integrity Toys Janay head on a CG Ebony body without ankle cups, which makes her shorter than usual. Velvette, my most beautiful 1:6 doll ever, is a Barbie Mbili head [yes, I yanked it from a doll that I paid $100 for] on a CG body with a Caucasian skin tone painted over [very sloppily] with burnt umber. Since I want a familial resemblance between Velvette and Gemini, Gemini will be a Mystery Squad Kenzie head on a CG body with Caucasian skin tone. Both Velvette and Gemini have the same head mold [Angel/Goddess], but the differences in skin tone and paint jobs make them look like different people. And yes, I am aware that Velvette and Janet do not have a familial resemblance, but I don’t care. They’re half-siblings because I said so. :p

I’m really excited about Gemini. She has squizzly red hair that I want to put up in a Bride-of-Frankenstein-like ‘do, but I’m not sure how to make it stay up.

Janet and Velvette [and Gemini] have the most convoluted family tree. I’m still trying to figure out how Janet and Gemini are related. Since they have a half-sister in common [Velvette], it seems reasonable to suppose that they are related, but I can’t determine how. Maybe they’re quarter-sisters? :p

“Did my accident paralyze my love life?” — a Disaboom ad

“Did my accident paralyze my love life?” — a Disaboom ad published on 4 Comments on “Did my accident paralyze my love life?” — a Disaboom ad

Have you seen the banner ad below, featuring a wiry, muscular and thoroughly cool-looking guy in a wheelchair? This ad [my copy comes from www.lovebyrd.com, a dating site for people with disabilities] promotes Disaboom, a site of news, networking and such for people with disabilities and their hangers-on. 

I’ve been wanting to address this ad for a while because I feel ambivalent about it.  I really like the concept of Disaboom, right down to the name, which contains enough association with the familiar term “disability” so that viewers know what it’s about, but adds the “boom” so that the result sounds like a magical exclamation or an energetic comic-book sound effect. A quick glance at the sight, which divides into Health, Living, Community and Jobs, shows that Disaboom confronts the major concerns of people with disabilities [i.e., notice that Health is one of the primary ones!], but does not emphasize the limitations of disabilities. Instead, with categories like Community and Jobs, Disaboom highlights that the concerns of people with disabilities are universally human ones for a productive existence and companionship. So I’m all for Disaboom as a site.

However, I feel that this ad has both positive and negative points. On the plus side, the man in the ad contradicts the prevailing stereotype that people with disabilities, especially people who have paralyzed lower extremities, completely lack sexual interest, experience and desire. The man is presented as a sexually active person who doesn’t have any time or patience for stupid misconceptions about people with disabilities. Since the ad is aimed presumably at people with disabilities, the audience will probably not put themselves in the place of “people who have stupid misconceptions about the sexuality of disabled people,” but will instead identify with the man, saying to themselves, “Yeah, I have romantic and/or sexual interests and, like this guy, am sick of being seen as asexual!” This appeal to the audience members’ frustration and intelligence will likely motivate them to click through and see what’s going on. I also appreciate that the man is portrayed as confident, active and independent.

On the negative side, the subject of the ad is, as far as I can tell, a hard-bodied Caucasian guy. In other words, he fits many of the current bourgeois American standards for attractiveness [white, muscular, male]. Needless to say, people with disabilities come in all colors and genders, so I think that the ad would be more effective if it were a series, each with a different character with a different race, sex and disability. [That would be kind of hot, actually. Off the subject a bit, I’m picturing a poster showing a grid of photos with all types of people, all types of romantic encounters, all types of disabilities, and the legend LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDARIES.] The fact that there’s only a muscular white guy representing “sexual activity” glosses over the fact that people of other races, genders and disabilities have interests in sex and romance too.

Also on the negative side, not only is this guy the picture of modern white bourgeois hegemonic masculinity, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s also passing as non-disabled. Tattoos aside, he looks like a non-disabled guy sitting down in a chair that just happens to have wheels. While some people indeed use wheelchairs with no back and no handlebars and a low-slung profile, other people with disabilities have much more obvious tools that they use; an electric wheelchair, for example, can have six wheels, headlights and tail lights, a control box with joystick and horn, storage pouches on either side, footrests, leg braces, head rest, reclining seat, adjustable cushions and posture support, a backpack on the back and an obvious computer on board, all of which are much more obvious than a discreet little set of wheels under your butt. Here’s a randomly selected six-wheeler, the Invacare Pronto M94, just for your information, the likes of which I see much more regularly than the chair shown in the Disaboom ad. I feel that the Disaboom ad downplays the unavoidable obviousness of some mobility aids in its attempt to make the guy in the picture seem more stereotypically “non-disabled.”

All in all, though, I think this ad is a great start, provocative and well done. I’d just like to see it as the first in a series, though, featuring a wide array of colors, shapes, sizes and disabilities.

Portrait of a bubble gum Goth: Vampire Kisses by Ellen Schrieber

Portrait of a bubble gum Goth: Vampire Kisses by Ellen Schrieber published on 1 Comment on Portrait of a bubble gum Goth: Vampire Kisses by Ellen Schrieber

Out to bust stereotypes of moany, moony, moody and thoroughly insufferable Goths is Raven, narrator of Vampire Kisses by Ellen Schrieber. Though the title purports that this book is yet another vampire romance, most of the plot consists of bubbly, impulsive, butt-kicking and cheerfully dark Raven’s attempts to be herself in a school and a town determined to quash her weirdness.

Lighthearted, frothy and energetic, just like Raven herself, the main story pits Raven against a preppy soccer-playing snob who bullies and sexually harasses her. Due to her quick thinking, she gets revenge while she stands up not only for herself, but also for her loyal friend, who doesn’t fit in because of her poverty. 

While Raven creates enough excitement in her small town on her own, she also investigates a mysterious new family in town whose possibly vampiric scion, the quiet and sexy Alexander, could be an ally. Class tensions and tensions between the sexes bubble through this story, but Schrieber’s fleet-footed prose never pauses for deep analysis or moral reflection. Instead, we follow Raven in her self-involved, but also amusing and ultimately good-hearted  and compassionate, search for a partner in crime.

Vampire Kisses has no pretensions to originality or depth, but I really enjoyed it. Schrieber perfectly captures the voice of a self-aggrandizing, flamboyant, endearing bubble gum Goth. As a teenager trying to stake out a new and different identity, Raven expends way too much energy in bold, unusual acts designed to make her appear truly original and memorable, but she does not seem insecure. Rather, she seems possessed of so much energy that she just explodes with it, ignorant of the fact that one doesn’t have to be super-duper dramatic all the time in order to be oneself. I find Raven very refreshing because she has an unshakable and positive knowledge of herself, her personality and her desires. I am so sick of self-loathing characters who must learn to believe in themselves that I am very happy to read about a character — a teenaged girl, no less, member of a cohort not known for supernal levels of confidence! — who evinces self-confidence and strength from the get-go.

P.S. I started Dead Until Dark, but it was so…very…dull… So I couldn’t finish it.

Are sexy people with 1.5 legs “bizarre?” [NSFW]

Are sexy people with 1.5 legs “bizarre?” [NSFW] published on 2 Comments on Are sexy people with 1.5 legs “bizarre?” [NSFW]

Sociological Images drew my attention to Viktoria [interview and photos here], the May 2008 cover model for Bizarre, a British glossy about fetish activities and style. Viktoria is a woman in her early 20s who designs and models fetishwear. Her left leg is amputated below the knee. As Lisa asks in SocIm:

What makes Viktoria “bizarre”?  Is it her amputated leg?  Is it the fact that she has an amputated leg and is still incredibly sexy?  Or is it that she has an amputated leg and still considers herself a sexual person?

The comments also got me thinking about the ways in which Viktoria is presented. To me it seems that Bizarre thinks that Viktoria is bizarre because she has 1.5 legs, but she can easily conform to modern bourgeois stereotypes of what white, attractive, sexy, young women with 2 legs are supposed to look like. As the rest of the post points out, though, and as some commenters observe, there’s really nothing bizarre, unusual, original or subversive about this shoot. Viktoria is just being objectified like all the other cover models. 

I do not think it is helpful and subversive and interesting and, above all, feminist and pro-accessibility, if a woman with 1.5 legs ends up treated just as misogynistically as women with 2 legs. A feminist and pro-accessibility view of Viktoria would neither dismiss nor fetishize her 1.5 legs, but instead talk about how being a WOMAN with 1.5 LEGS informs her unique experience of being a sexual person. We get an interesting glimpse into her self-perception, assuming that the interview is true, when she says of her post-amputation reactions, “[My amputated leg] was so cute. It was the biggest release you could imagine.” The article, which would rather profess wide-eyed amazement that a person with 1.5 legs actually has sexuality, does not really investigate the content thereof, contenting itself instead with the facile conclusion that Viktoria is so awesome because she can be airbrushed and Photoshopped just to look as “sexy” as models with 2 legs!!

P.S. I included this particular picture because Viktoria’s outfit in this part of the shoot is hot.

“Get outta the accessible spot, douchebag!”

“Get outta the accessible spot, douchebag!” published on 1 Comment on “Get outta the accessible spot, douchebag!”

Welcome to my new tag, “accessibility,” where I cover the ways in which society does or does not accommodate citizens with differing abilities. Check out this wheelchair with flamethrower. Good for clearing accessible parking spaces from people who have no license to use them.

Press your space face close to mine, love — freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah!

Press your space face close to mine, love — freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah! published on No Comments on Press your space face close to mine, love — freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah!

Inspired by The Bride of Frankenstein, The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars, here’s a future LHF cast member, Gemini Beaumont, dressed up for one of Will’s shoots.

http://www.oddpla.net/blog/lhfextras/daztests/moonage.jpg

You make me happeeeeeeeee when skies are grey.

You make me happeeeeeeeee when skies are grey. published on 1 Comment on You make me happeeeeeeeee when skies are grey.

In Sunshine, Robin McKinley revisits her favorite obsession, Beauty and the Beast. This time, a cold, clammy and remarkably honorable vampire, Con [stupid name], serves as the Beast. Much to my frustration, however, McKinley takes an almost failproof idea [Beauty + Beast + vampires + magic = awesome] and sabotages it by not building it a foundation.

On the subject of worldcraft, McKinley doesn’t offer Sunshine enough historical grounding. The Voodoo Wars, which split Sunshine’s world into antagonistic factions of humans and supernatural Others, strongly inform the events of Sunshine, but we never hear about the specifics of these wars. Who won? Who lost? WHY do humans hate the supernatural Others so much? You won’t find the answers in Sunshine.

On the subject of character development, the only person who has any is Sunshine. Even the Beast, Con [stupid name], remains opaque. Not only is he stiff and impenetrable, but we also have no idea of his motivations. He insists that he is “different” from the sadistic vampire Bo [stupid name], but we don’t know why he is or how he got that way. Without a history, he remains a grey, clammy cipher.

Instead of offering readers the essentials of a good story, McKinley kills Sunshine with minutiae. She tells us how many pages Sunshine’s favorite romance novels have. She repeats, word for word, Sunshine’s disturbance when a vampire is in the room, the disgusting texture and feel of Con’s [stupid name] skin and Sunshine’s worries about her bond with Con [stupid name].

All of this goes to show that even brilliant, accomplished, award-winning authors can fail at writing a good vampire novel.

How far can YOU walk in ballet boots? :p

How far can YOU walk in ballet boots? :p published on No Comments on How far can YOU walk in ballet boots? :p

The Turning by Jennifer Armintrout has one interesting idea in its pages: the concept of the blood tie, a BDSM-like compulsion that exists between new vampires and the person who vamps them. The blood tie, like lust, short-circuits the new vampire’s brain, strongly predisposing him or her to submission before his or her maker. The comparison between sexual desire and the blood tie is apt because, at least how Armintrout writes it, the blood tie often occasions hot monkey sex between maker and new vamp.

Hooray! I’m all for struggling with irresistible compulsions and people trying to accept/go against their natures. Unfortunately, Armintrout flushes the concept down the toilet by using it as an excuse for a wholly unoriginal love triangle in which doormat doctor and new vamp Carrie is jerked between two vamps. One, her sire, Cyrus, is the sickest puppy in the vamp world, while the other, Nathan, is morally righteous. Blood calls Carrie to Cyrus, while hormones call her to Nathan. Armintrout hits all the cliches of romance novels on the way down: Carrie’s spitfire comments to Nathan, who patiently keeps rescuing her; Carrie and Nathan’s angry sex disguising their true attraction; Carrie’s sympathy for perverted Cyrus; Cyrus keeping Carrie as a pet and charming her with feminine refinements; Carrie pretending to seduce Cyrus in order to save Nathan, et hoc genus omne ad nauseam. Carrie’s violent, unmotivated mood swings rival Bella’s in velocity.

Besides being a hack of the first order, Armintrout also wouldn’t know consistency if it came up and bit her on the neck. For example, in a truly memorable detail, Cyrus provides fetish shoes for Carrie to wear during the climactic sadistic party/massacre where she’s supposed to escape. Armintrout explicitly describes the shoes as basically pointe shoes with heels or ballet boots. Since ballet boots force all of a person’s weight onto his or her toes and the very narrow heels, they are difficult to balance in, much less walk in for a night, much less run around in while fending off evil vampires. Yet we’re supposedly to believe that she successfully participates in a revolt against the evil vampires, including stabbing Cyrus in the eye, while wearing such footwear. The Turning contains numerous examples of such unrealistic bullshit. Very dull.

It does not help that the photomanipulation on the paperback cover makes it look like dyed paper is coming out of the woman’s neck instead of guts.

Some day I’ll write about the romance novel trope of Requisite Seduction By Frilly Dress, but not now.

Another thing I like about The Changeover…

Another thing I like about The Changeover… published on No Comments on Another thing I like about The Changeover…

…is that Mahy explicitly identifies witchcraft as a feminine power, then makes Laura’s partner, Sorry, a male witch. I’m not thrilled with the idea that certain powers are inherently masculine or feminine, but I definitely like the idea of a male character trying to reconcile himself to the fact that his power is not gendered in the same way that he is expected to be. In an interview about The Changeover, Mahy comments:

…[T]he boy…in spite of everything retained something of his original feminine quality… something he fights against by assuming a degree of sexual aggressivenes. Behind him stand the figures of his mother and grandmother and he has inherited qualities from them that give him an ambivalent nature. 

As Laura goes through her changeover, growing up into her sexual, protective, assertive power, Sorry simmers down from the aforementioned prickliness. He realizes that his front as a bullying, sexually aggressive asshole is a defensive overlay that occludes his actual strengths. In the actual chapters when Laura does her changeover, he coaches her and accompanies her, much like a midwife. This is where he shines: as a guardian, a comforter, a restorer, a carer. He ends up accepting his witchcraft and his role as a nurturer, rather than a predator. This is how he makes sense of his supposedly feminine powers.

Clearly I need my own copy of this book, preferably the hardcover edition with the beautiful cover.

A lot scarier than the squishy candy: Peeps by Scott Westerfield

A lot scarier than the squishy candy: Peeps by Scott Westerfield published on 1 Comment on A lot scarier than the squishy candy: Peeps by Scott Westerfield

You thought Peeps were just marshmallow chicks, right? Well, clearly you haven’t read Scott Westerfield’s YA novel, Peeps, in which the titular designation refers to those people who are “parasite positive.” In Westerfield’s world, peeps are human beings infected with voracious parasites that compel their hosts to transmit said parasite through blood contact. With hopped-up, superhuman senses, long lifespan, bloodthirsty instincts, perpetual horniness and aversions to sunlight, peeps are most commonly referred to as — you guessed it — vampires.

Those in which the parasite is active are dangerous, semi-crazed individuals, but those in whom the parasite is merely latent have all the superpowers of being a host without the crazy side effects. Carriers, such as narrator Cal, hunt down and contain the crazy actual vampires. As we open our story, Cal, member of the centuries-old Night Watch, is hunting down his former girlfriends to whom he has transmitted the parasite, but his constant concupiscence side-rails him…especially when he joins up with an assertive, intuitive and tenacious college student Lace. Together they literally go underground into the dirty, smelly bowels of New York City [juicily and realistically evoked] and discover some really big, slimy secrets that are much more of a threat to humanity than a few vampires.

Westerfield writes crisply, endowing Cal with a likable dry humor that makes everything he says go down easily, even when Cal’s lecturing us about actual parasites and how they fuck up your innards. Besides a charming protagonist who wins instant sympathy, Westerfield also gives him a perfect match in the incredibly snoopy, but also cool and collected, Lace. Cal’s the brawn, and she’s the brains, but they work together well as investigators, complementing each other.

Driven by a well thought-out and scientific conception of vampirism as parasitism, Peeps moves nimbly along, solidly structured and neatly dovetailed. Craftsmanship is excellent, conclusion satisfying.  See — all you idiot writers of knock-off apocalyptic wacko vampire fiction — it IS possible to write an convincing story about vampires and the end of the world as we know it [but I feel fine!]. You just have to ground it in the realistic details.

The Changeover by Margaret Mahy: Twilight wishes it were this good.

The Changeover by Margaret Mahy: Twilight wishes it were this good. published on No Comments on The Changeover by Margaret Mahy: Twilight wishes it were this good.

In The Changeover by Margaret Mahy, as in Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, a young schoolgirl meets an older, wiser, handsome young man. She, with her sharp-tongued asperity, and he, with his awkward remoteness, both lack social graces. Both distant from the usual flurry of teenage life, they are attracted to each other. The girl discovers that the boy is magical and that he lives with a family that are just as supernatural as he is. Increasingly intimate with the boy, the girl struggles with her attraction not only to him, but to the magical power that he and his family represent. Will she choose normal life or an isolating life of power beyond her wildest imagination?

While Twilight bogs itself down in the boring hiccups of its heroine’s obsessive mood, The Changeover establishes an entirely real world, replete with familial relationships, something that Twilight lacks. Laura of The Changeover, like Bella of Twilight, comes from a divorced family. Instead of providing mere plot points, however, Laura’s family — struggling bookseller mom Kate and cheerful 3-year-old Jacko — are an integral part of Laura’s life. Laura’s swiftly burgeoning relationship with jokey new suitor Chris mirrors Laura’s relationship with Sorry, the magical boy. Conflict also arises as Laura tries to accept her mom having a life again. Additionally, Jacko provides the catalyst for Laura’s temptation; prompted by her little brother’s magical possession, Laura seeks out Sorry to tutor her in witchcraft so that she may defeat the evil that is infiltrating Jacko. For all of Laura’s resentment toward Kate and Chris and all the magical machinations against Jacko, The Changeover at heart is a testament to the bonds of blood between Laura’s family and to a pure and convincing affection between siblings.

Speaking of familial relations, Sorry comes across as a real person, really scarred by his messed-up family life and his ambivalent relationship to the supernatural. Unlike Edward of Twilight, who seems serene and untouchable in his glittery vampirism, Sorry looks like an imposing witch, but he’s also a vulnerable boy. Abandoned by his mother to be abused by a foster family and then reclaimed, Sorry takes refuge in arch, snarky comments and his mastery of witchcraft. He can’t hide, however, his real attraction and affection for Laura, who seems to pierce his protective coating and recognize that his magical mastery doesn’t translate into social mastery. Also refreshing is the fact that he, 18, is seriously bothered by his deep connection to Laura, 15. During the teen years, such an age gap matters a lot in terms of maturity [and legality], and Sorry feels disturbed by the age disparity, unlike Edward of Twilight, who just thinks Bella’s a cute little kid, but remarks very little on a 100-year-old loving an 18-year-old. While Twilight tells the story of a stupid naif getting vacuumed up into a world of seemingly perfect magical beings, Mahy chooses to emphasize the essential humanity of everyone involved.

http://www.oddpla.net/blog/misc/changeover2.jpg
Cheesy, dated cover for paperback issue.

If you’ve been following my rants about Twilight, you’ll remember that Bella as a heroine frustrates me and disappoints me to no end with her passivity, clumsiness and fainting. Indeed, it is hard to write a story about a character caught up in events beyond his/her control without making the character seem solely like a reactive pawn. However, Laura from The Changeover illustrates how to make a sympathetic, active heroine in over her head. When we first see Laura bantering easily with her mother and watching protectively over her little brother, even as she tries to tell her mom about the supernatural warnings that she’s been hearing, we get an immediately endearing picture. Laura is obviously a bit too mature for the stereotypical teenage petulance; she’s devoted to both her mom and her brother in a touching way that shows the depth of her kindness and her compassion. She trades wry, flip comments with her mom that suggest both her appealingly blunt nature and a defense for having to grow up too fast. Her perceptive remarks about Sorry show Laura to be both magically intuitive and intelligent. She’s smart, capable, tough and insightful — all qualities that will serve her well throughout the story. She’s also lonely and a little heart-damaged. What else could she ask for except another tough, smart, defensive, heart-damaged person to understand her and fill the hole of love in her psyche? Good thing Sorry’s around.

Though billed on the cover as "a supernatural romance," The Changeover can more accurately be described as "a supernatural and romantic story about love." For all their faults, both Laura’s and Sorry’s families love Laura and Sorry; the members in each family love each other, and Laura and Sorry love each other too. Parental love, filial love, sibling love, the love of courting adults and the love of courting teens all appear in The Changeover. Because Mahy has sympathy for everyone [even the evil possessive spirit, a lonely psychic vampire who craves the sensuality of human experience], we see through her warm authorial eyes the lovable qualities in each character. Therefore we understand why characters are so attached to each other and how love can be the magic that overcomes all desperation and truly links people together. Unlike Stephenie Meyer, who just writes about some abstract, unconvincing Super-Dramatic Obsessive Love and then tacks some characters on to it, Mahy uses her characters to drive the story.

But yes, because Mahy loves a good love story, The Changeover does have a classic romance woven into it. Laura and Sorry are destined for each other, but they don’t want to accept their relationship’s inevitability. However, of course, circumstances force them to admit that they belong together. Gratifyingly enough, however, Mahy tempers the romantic trends with realism. Instead of falling into Sorry’s arms the way that Bella in Twilight keeps tripping into Edward’s grasp, Laura depends on him for help and guidance in saving Jacko, but she does serious work in her own head first. Sorry does not take over Laura’s story and become the soppy center of her universe; instead, the two of them form a partnership of equals. In another perspective, they each expand their definition of family to allow the other into their circle. In fact, Sorry remarks early on that he feels like his friendship with Laura contains "all the disadvantages of marriage" and none of the advantages. They grow into the advantages.

http://www.oddpla.net/blog/misc/changeover.jpg
A haunting cover for the hardback version.

Laura and Sorry together make me incredibly happy because they are both strong, accomplished people who match each other well in terms of maturity, power and familial devotion. They do not compromise themselves in their love, the way that Bella and Edward do in Twilight [with Bella becoming even more of a whiny doofus and Edward refraining from chewing Bella’s whiny head off]. Laura and Sorry complement each other, bringing out strengths in each other. For a 14-year-old and an 18-year-old, they eventually have a remarkably mature [but also thoroughly believable] relationship. They postpone further intimacy at the end when Sorry goes off to park ranger training and Laura goes off to finish high school. While Mahy does not give in to readers’ desires to see the deserving couple remain together RIGHT NOW, this ending really ends up being more satisfying. Hey, if Laura and Sorry are this good together when they are so young, imagine how much better they will be in a few years!

Labyrinth should have been this good. Twilight should have been this good. But they aren’t, so read the one, the only, the best, the nuanced by generally awesome and accomplished Kiwi author Margaret Mahy.

Up next: City of Bones by Cassandra Clare, primarily to mock it.
 

— and the blood and the metaphors and the drunken night —

— and the blood and the metaphors and the drunken night — published on 1 Comment on — and the blood and the metaphors and the drunken night —

I zipped through Innocence by Jane Mendelsohn, a metaphor-drugged story about Beckett, a young teen girl who grieves the death of her mother. When her father marries the school nurse and Beckett gets her horribly painful period, she suspects sinister and blood-related hunger lurking beneath the surface of her new stepmother. Eventually Beckett determines that her new stepmom is out for blood and that she, Beckett, is the Last Girl of the horror films, who must either confront the monster or become its culminating victim.

As you can see by the reviews on Amazon, this book is either a work of transcendent genius or a piece of unreadable, pretentious fluff, depending on the perspective of the reader. I personally liked it.

I liked getting insight into Beckett’s poetic, racing, unhinged mind. I liked the vivid descriptions of New York City at night that so perfectly captured the shining promise and loneliness of looking in at lighted houses from the outside. I liked the portrayal of grief as an unmooring from reality, and I liked Beckett’s climactic realization that dissociation would never help her, that she had to “go inside” and face the horrors inside her own mind. I liked the sensual descriptions of night and sex and death. I liked her smart-ass joker boyfriend Tobey and his gentleness. I appreciated the overall structure of the plot, in which the first half was unhinging and creeping dread and the second part was Beckett coming back to herself and into her own power. I was very satisfied when Beckett drank the blood and accepted adulthood without the murderous, draining aspects exemplified by her stepmom. I thought that Innocence worked as a feminist vampire fairy tale.

I acknowledge, however, that the book has its flaws. Innocence depends too strongly on similes, at the expense of character development for the secondaries. I think, for example, a greater background on her father and her dead mother would have helped give Beckett’s grief and disorientation more emotional heft. Relatedly, Mendelsohn tries to cram too many allusions into this slight book. Beckett ritualistically calls on Alice [Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland], Dorothy [The Wizard of Oz], Persephone [queen of the Underworld], but the ensuing imagery  and thematic structure of the novel does not bear comparison to any of the stories these characters come from. In fact, Innocence, with its conflict between a hungry replacement mom and a young teen just growing into her sexual partner — not to mention all the temptation, desire, death and blood — reimagines the Snow White story. Of all the tales she could have centered on, Mendelsohn should have made this obvious choice and run with it. Mendelsohn could have strengthened the story with a few references to this fairy tale, instead of a few forced scattershot intrusions from largely irrelevant tales.

I think of this book the way that I think of my favorite movie, Labyrinth. Labyrinth is full of promising elements, strong themes and interesting, dark, poetic, weird sexual strains. Some of them work — i.e., the polymorphously perverse portrayal of Jareth — and some don’t — i.e., the idea that stupid, staring Sarah is an active, maturing heroine. In the same way, Innocence bursts with a mess of fascinating, powerful elements. Some don’t work [e.g., forced allusions to irrelevant tales, development of secondaries], but some do [Beckett’s character arc, Beckett as a sympathetic personality, the characterization of New York City, the condensed and disjointed style]. To compare it to another vampire novel, it’s like Dracula. Some of it’s good; some of it’s dreadful, but it has its moments of inspired originality. Either way, it has staying power; it’s memorable.

“Tiresome sex” and the Anita Blake series.

“Tiresome sex” and the Anita Blake series. published on 4 Comments on “Tiresome sex” and the Anita Blake series.

Apparently the Anita Blake series started off interesting and slid into porn. For example, an Amazon reviewer savages Narcissus in Chains, a midstream book in the series, as follows: “This book brings in a new character, the male Nimir-Raj of another were-leopard pack, with whom Anita immediately has sex. And there’s mental sex, virtual sex, interspecies sex… it gets downright tiresome. You never knew sex could be this boring.” HAH!

Maybe I should go back and read some of the earlier books in the series? I keep confusing them with Nancy Collins’ Sonja Blue series, which memorably has vampire protagonist at odds with her vampirism, personified as a sleek and crazy killer that squats in her mind and talks to her under its breath. I would reread Collins again just for Sonja’s internal dialogs.

Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story, aka Chris Moore can’t write female characters worth shit.

Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story, aka Chris Moore can’t write female characters worth shit. published on 2 Comments on Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story, aka Chris Moore can’t write female characters worth shit.

So I finished Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story, which was grotesquely overrated, unfunny and generally stupid. It’s about a pretentious loser of a wannabe writer, Tommy, and his vampire girlfriend Jody. 

I cannot emphasize enough how dull and jejune this book is. All the characters are unironic, lazy stereotypes, from the gormless callow youth who somehow snags a sexy lady [Tommy], to the funny stoner coworkers, to the Wise Fool homeless man who helps to defeat the evil vampire [the Emperor], to the overbearing mother [Jody’s mom]. I get the feeling that Moore wants to coast on his supposedly witty writing, but he tries too hard to be funny, so both characters and joke come across as stale and desperate, rather than fresh.

Furthermore, Moore can’t write a convincing female character worth shit. Jody, who has the most interesting character arc as she learns how to be a vampire, has about as much personality as a paper bag. She doesn’t have an original thought in her head. For example, her first realization after she turns into a vampire is “I need a man.” I can think of many possible reactions — “I need medical care/answers/my friends/my family/my significant other/a drink/a shotgun/revenge/a nap/a moment to think/a cup of O positive/a way to calm down” — that would be believable responses to being vamped. “I need a man” is not one of them. “I need help and some sort of unquestioning stability; therefore I will exploit a lovestruck patsy” is conceivable, and it’s pretty clear that this is Jody’s plan, but “I need a man” is just a stupid false note. The only way “I need a man” would make sense is if women were dependent, weak, flaccid creatures without turgor pressure who needed men to provide life support and exoskeletons for them. Since they aren’t, Moore just reveals his limited understanding of what women think about. Boooooooring.

Up next: Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris because I like both vampires and mysteries.

Wow, look at the detail on that dust!!

Wow, look at the detail on that dust!! published on 1 Comment on Wow, look at the detail on that dust!!

Two years ago, I picked up an idea online for how to make a cheap light box. A light box is a device to diffuse light around objects that one is taking pictures of, thus mitigating the effect of crappy amateurish lighting rigs [read: desk bulbs]. Following the guide posted on Strobist, I chopped up a cardboard box and tissue paper to create the following:

http://www.oddpla.net/blog/dolls/misc16/lightbox/IMG_0023.JPG

Then I tried to take some pictures. The light box successfully diffused the light to such a great degree that I achieved accurate, in-focus, highly detailed pictures of the dust on Velvette’s face.

Two photo sessions later, I finally squeezed out a decent shot of my most beautiful doll ever. I’ve also decided that I’ve reached the limits of my camera’s macro capabilities and therefore want a more powerful camera. Some non-yellow lights would be good as well, especially if I’m going to start taking pictures of dolls again.

http://www.oddpla.net/blog/dolls/misc16/lightbox/IMG_0033.JPG

World Wide Words

World Wide Words published on 1 Comment on World Wide Words

Michael Quinion, a speaker of British English, writes essays about the origins of unusual words and slang. I followed a link to his site because I wanted to find out the approximate date of one of my favorite adjectives, copacetic. Its age is indeterminate, but I did find many other fascinating tidbits on the site.

I Was Kidnapped by Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space!

I Was Kidnapped by Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space! published on 1 Comment on I Was Kidnapped by Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space!

Megan Gedris takes on pulpy conventions of the 1950s in I Was Kidnapped…, a high-spirited, brightly illustrated space chase, featuring charming naive Earthling Susie and a band of lesbian pirates with fabulous hair. Thrill to their visits to unknown planets! Laugh as they outwit the incredibly doltish Male Man! Cheer as the sexual tension mounts! It’s like the Rocky Horror Picture Show…only in comic form…and without any music…and I mean that in the best way possible.

LHF 1.3: “Offended Vampires”

LHF 1.3: “Offended Vampires” published on No Comments on LHF 1.3: “Offended Vampires”

And we’re back with a new ep of LHF, in which Will has a fight over the phone with one of Anneka’s grandmothers. Leave a comment on the site and don’t forget that you can subscribe to the LJ feed at http://lovehasfangs.livejournal.com. All the cool people are doing it. [Apparently there are only 18 cool people in the world… :p ]

That’s NOT a Mick Jagger doll!

That’s NOT a Mick Jagger doll! published on 3 Comments on That’s NOT a Mick Jagger doll!

Medicom Toy is making a Mick Jagger doll. I think it would be a better likeness of Cher instead. Hell, I made a more convincing Mick Jagger by painting some big gorgeous lips on a DML Jennifer. The accompanying Keith Richards doll has a better likeness but, for some reason, both sculpts seem immune to gravity. Even in their youth, the members of the Rolling Stones had fascinatingly mobile and lumpy faces that quickly showed the ravages of their addictions. I see no stretching and wrinkling on these portraits. Very disappointing.

I am so disappointed with the Bones writers.

I am so disappointed with the Bones writers. published on 1 Comment on I am so disappointed with the Bones writers.

Bones, which I have previously mentioned as a favorite time-passer, succeeds as a show for one reason and one reason alone: the chemistry among the leads. Deschanel as Bones and Boreanaz as Booth collaborate in a perfect mixture of pathos, comic timing, barely suppressed desire and complementary types of intelligence, a testament to their skill and to their dual magnetism. The actors who play the secondaries at Bones’ lab — Angela, Hodgins [I have a crushy crush on T.J. Thyne], Zach and Sorayan — play off the primaries and each other well. For example, a constant source of entertainment for me was the perpetual King of the Lab tension between Hodgins and Zach. At the same time, Hodgins and Zach’s outrageous experiments also provided comic relief and an outlet to show that, just because the guys were nerds, they were not entirely devoid of baser passions, such as the passion to engage in pissing contests. In conclusion, I like Bones because it makes me feel smart when I watch it, and plus the characters are generally warm, funny and engaging. After the play between Bones and Booth, I like the play between Zach and Hodgins.

…Which is why I’m really annoyed with the Bones writers for writing Zach off the show in the final ep by making him an apprentice to a serial killer. I see how the clues built into the season pointed to the killer being someone on Bones’ team, but the clues just provide a means for Zach to be a serial killer. The crime lacks motive. Why the hell would Zach apprentice himself to a serial killer? As an introverted, emotionally detached, extremely stereotypical intellectual, he always seemed to have found a family of accepting and jocular peers in Bones’ team, people who respected him, loved him and gave him a home. I emphasize the familial atmosphere because I always saw the team as giving outcasts a safety net and a haven from the uncaring world precisely so that such geniuses would NOT implode and become criminals. So Zach evinced no weak personality, no susceptibility, as far as I can tell, to the seductive wiles of a serial killer. Perhaps Zach could have been exploited through his shame over being an Army reject, but that storyline was dropped in season 2, and the writers made no effort to tie Zach’s development into a murderer with his experiences in the Army. In fact, the writers didn’t tie Zach as serial killer to much of ANYTHING, especially not 3 seasons of character development that pointed Zach anywhere BUT toward serial killing.

I am pissed at the writers of the show because this finale development of Zach as murderer ruins the show for two reasons. 1) It’s completely out of character for Zach. 2) It removes Zach from the show, thus damaging the show’s core chemistry and one of its greatest strengths. 

And WHY did they do this? In an interview with TVguide.com, Eric Millegan, who played Zach, offers a revealing explanation: “Oh, I’m following the fate of my character. It wasn’t my choice — it was a creative decision to shake things up and make a good season finale.”

In other words, the writers tossed character continuity and show integrity out the window in favor of blowing their wad. They thought that Zach as serial killer sounded nifty — never mind the complete lack of believability and set-up! — and that it would make for a truly awesome season finale, so they really reduced the quality of the show.

Series creator Hart Hanson backs up my interpretation in another TVguide.com interview where he tries to justify the development with two excuses. 1) The writers’ strike prevented us from actually showing Zach becoming Gormogon’s apprentice. That’s understandable, but it still doesn’t address why Zach’s character acted so…well, out of character. Hanson’s second excuse: 2) Oh, we just did that to piss viewers off. So Hanson basically admitted that there was no narrative logic to the development beyond that of pissing off viewers. I’m all for pissing off viewers, but only under the strictures of narrative requirement. The narrative of Bones season 3 did not require Zach to become a killer. The writers failed the test of narrative requirement.

Stephenie Meyer hurts my brain.

Stephenie Meyer hurts my brain. published on 3 Comments on Stephenie Meyer hurts my brain.

Eclipse is a big fat turd, mind-boggling in its display of authorial ineptitude. I’m seriously stupefied by the abounding incoherence. In Twilight and New Moon, the characters had some consistency, no matter how repulsive and stupid they were. In New Moon, however, said consistency went out the window, with Edward and Jacob suffering the most. Also I the reader suffered when Bella took her stupidity to new lows.

Edward…well, he flipped his shit. I found his character mildly interesting in the first two books because he was basically always fighting a hard-on. Suddenly he stops fighting his hard-on and basically browbeats Bella into marriage so he can avoid having sex out of wedlock and they can do the nasty soon soon soon. I thought his character was all about balancing out his hunger with rationality, not giving into it. So, from a purely objective point of view, Edward failed his Consistency Test, whether I liked him or not. And I don’t like him. Since he failed as a purely structural device, we don’t need to go into his disgusting personality: his disabling Bella’s truck so she couldn’t go see Jacob when she wanted to, not to mention his constant physical restraining, mouth-covering and otherwise squishing of Bella — examples of him abusing her by merely existing.

Jacob failed his Consistency Test and flipped his shit too. In book 2, he really came into his own as an energetic spot of real character development in an otherwise dull series of mood swings that were trying to pass as a plot. Book 3, however, sees his cheerfulness and ebullience disappear for no apparent reason to be replaced by the volatile, surly traits of a sexually assaulting pervert. I really don’t see how that came about because it wasn’t in his character. Yet book 3 shows him equal to Edward in mind-fuckery, violating Bella by kissing her against her will, pretending he’s gonna die unless she gives him a hug, etc., etc., etc. For a book that is supposedly about a love triangle and Bella’s decision between two guys [Meyer insists that Jacob is Bella’s “other option”], book 3 doesn’t actually offer Bella any choice of guys. Both Edward and Jacob are sneaky, pissy, controlling, tempestuous, manipulative creeps.

Bella has flipped her shit too. Well, I thought she had flipped it when, in book 1, she conceived of an overwhelming desire to become a vampire. But now she’s really flipped it. She pauses to think about the consequences of her vampirization. This is a promising sign. Maybe she’ll think about the loneliness of living far beyond her parents and other family, about the transient lifestyle needed to avoid human suspicion, about her sacrifice of a normal human life [possibly including college, graduation, dating, marriage, family of her own], of the constant struggle with addiction to human blood, of the danger she may be to her human loved ones as a feral “newborn.” Right?  Right…? Wrong. Bella worries occasionally about going nuts as a new vampire, but mostly she obsesses about having sex as a human with her darling Edward. Yes, that’s right, folks. She actively dismisses concerns about her future trajectory as a human being, the temptations of blood-drinking, the danger of being a newborn vampire. And, even more incredibly, she doesn’t even think about her parents and family at all. No, all she focuses on is getting her rocks off. The narrow-minded, selfish, heartless, immature and actively stupid behavior of this character amazes me. Why does the entire cast of this series fawn over her as if she is a saint? She really is an ungrateful, wretched human being. I’m trying to think of some charitable means of reforming her to introduce a little compassion into her soul, but my imagination fails me, primarily because I loathe her so much that I can’t think of any benefit to her continued existence.

Zombie babysitter doll!

Zombie babysitter doll! published on No Comments on Zombie babysitter doll!

Coming soon from Sideshow Toys, which is radically inconsistent in terms of quality from toy to toy, is the dead cute zombie babysitter. I personally think she just became a vampire while being consumed by flesh-eating bacteria, so her decay was halted, but so was her healing. Yuck.

Quality-wise, this conception looks pretty good with head in-scale…but why are there bendy arms? Why ruin a perfectly good fig with arms that can’t do anything?

Antidote to bad vampire novels: The Silver Kiss

Antidote to bad vampire novels: The Silver Kiss published on 1 Comment on Antidote to bad vampire novels: The Silver Kiss

After reading Stephenie Meyer's Twilight, I needed to wash my brain out with a vampire novel of higher quality. Since I've practically memorized Carmilla and Dracula at this point, I chose instead a modern classic: The Silver Kiss by Annette Curtis Klause. It tells the story of petulant, artistic and sensitive Zoe, 17, who feels as if her world is imploding because her mom is dying of cancer. She meets Simon, a sympathetic badass vampire bent on vengeance against his brother for killing their mom. Simon helps Zoe deal with her mom's demise, and she helps him achieve revenge.

Good things about The Silver Kiss: Klause writes in a fast-paced style, but with frequent flashes of poetry in her use of unexpected adjectives. From the title onward, she creates a fascinating atmosphere of magic and melancholy.  Her portrayal of the grieving Zoe's mood swings is accurate and compassionate, anchoring the book in a drama that readers can easily identify with. Unlike Meyer, who can't write an appealing, active character to save her life, Klause shows both Zoe and Simon as broken-hearted characters who think way too much and thus have a common bond that explains their attraction. Finally, Klause's use of vampires as a metaphor for the grieving process illuminates both Zoe's stories and vampire myths in general, offering a believable reason that such deadly humanoid parasites could be sympathetic.

Bad things about The Silver Kiss: Zoe does not read as a 17-year-old to me. Even making allowances for her grief and general strain, I find it hard to believe that her constant whininess and snappishness would come from someone over 15. Klause should have made her 15; I don't think the story would have suffered. Relatedly, I sympathize with Zoe because I've experienced death and know how it can punch one in the gut, but still…while sympathetic, Zoe is a hard character to like and follow along with. Simon is a bit better, although Klause tries too hard [e.g., in the scene where he beats up drunken doofuses and steals one of their leather jackets] to make him edgy. These lapses are forgivable, though, when compared to the main problem of the book: the ending. I accept Simon's suicide/sacrifice, but I reject Zoe's sudden confidence and lack of fear about dying. All along, Klause depicts grief as a tangle, and it's never unknotted so simply and completely. Even if Klause had written that Zoe "wasn't SO scared any more" instead of "wasn't scared any more," that would have been better.

Nevertheless, The Silver Kiss is a vivid, nuanced novel about vampires.

New Moon, the sequel to Twilight, is, however, not. It's just more of the same sluggish melodrama that we saw in Twilight. A coworker who borrowed Twilight from me summed up my feelings toward this series well when she said, "I finished Twilight. I stayed up late reading it." Thoughtful pause. "I didn't like it very much."

Next up: Blood-Sucking Fiends: A Love Story by Christopher Moore.

I get vy a cow; I get vy a horse; but I don’t get viaduct. Viaduct?!

I get vy a cow; I get vy a horse; but I don’t get viaduct. Viaduct?! published on No Comments on I get vy a cow; I get vy a horse; but I don’t get viaduct. Viaduct?!

I got some ducks to make a 3-D version of the Make Way For Ducklings statue in Boston Public Garden so my LHF characters can hang out there.

1:6 WILL!!!!!!! I FOUND HIM!!!!

1:6 WILL!!!!!!! I FOUND HIM!!!! published on 1 Comment on 1:6 WILL!!!!!!! I FOUND HIM!!!!

The stylized, androgynous, not-too-harsh features, the full lips, narrow face…it all matches!  The accurate hair is just an added bonus.

This is a Hot Toys 1:6 version of some dude from the Resident Evil franchise.

Dammit — I need to stop whacking off and get to work. I wonder if the local comics stores have him in stock.

I miss my 1:6 Will doll.

I miss my 1:6 Will doll. published on No Comments on I miss my 1:6 Will doll.

Maybe I should figure out how to put his head on his body…or make him a new head or something??? 

EDIT: Hmmmm, maybe I should get an Obitsu Slim male body and put another Galadriel head on it…Or that Obitsu Slim Male head that I did as Jareth a while back… Or a Beka Valentine…I know I have one of those bonking around…  

EDIT 2: Or my blue Lilith doll, who already has the appropriate smirk and lots of makeup…or a CG01 head…The head matters less than does the fact that I find a 1:6 Will doll… Maybe the PB head I painted as Frank a while back?

Night Watch and Day Watch by Sergei Lukyanenko: Just can’t get into ’em.

Night Watch and Day Watch by Sergei Lukyanenko: Just can’t get into ’em. published on 1 Comment on Night Watch and Day Watch by Sergei Lukyanenko: Just can’t get into ’em.

I don’t know what the hullabaloo is about Sergei Lukyanenko’s series about the Others: Night Watch, Day Watch, Twilight Watch, etc. It’s about the LIght and the Dark in stalemates, each monitored by police forces from the opposing team, which sounds like it could be an interesting premise. 

However, what some people see as sharp, edgy urban fantasy I see as pointless action at the expense of character development. What some readers interpret as a fantastic revamping of fantasy I think of as retreaded fantasy cliches executed with little originality or flair and, even more damningly, very little sense of humor. What some read as a fast pace I read as a simplistic plot line with no subtlety or twists.

Additionally, the clunky translation by Andrew Bromfield states the obvious and uses too many exclamation points [“Things were looking really bad now!”]. Thus books [I’ve sampled Night Watch and Day Watch so far] seem immature and overwritten. 

Besides, in Night Watch, on top of not giving a key vampire a name, but just calling her “the vampire girl” dismissively throughout an entire chunk of the novel, Lukyanenko also succeeded in making vampires particularly dull, a crime that I can never forgive. Though, in the preface, the vampires truly seemed evil, seductive and magical, they flattened out in ensuing pages. His prefaces always start off exciting, but then the rest of each book falls flat. Bait and switch, BAIT AND SWITCH. 🙁

Hot draggy Campari commercial

Hot draggy Campari commercial published on 1 Comment on Hot draggy Campari commercial

Excuse me while I sit here drooling over the way the man dramatically wipes his lipstick, making it trail across his face like an exposure of his secret skin and the way the woman discloses her bound breasts with a fluid movement, shucking her shirt as if it’s petals of a flower. Found at Sociological Images.

Today California, tomorrow the world!!! Or at least the rest of the 50 states…

Today California, tomorrow the world!!! Or at least the rest of the 50 states… published on 1 Comment on Today California, tomorrow the world!!! Or at least the rest of the 50 states…

California Supreme Court overturns gay marriage ban!!! An excerpt from the decision reads:

In Lockyer v. City and County of San Francisco (2004) 33 Cal.4th 1055 (Lockyer), this court concluded that public officials of the City and County of San Francisco acted unlawfully by issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples in the absence of a judicial determination that the California statutes limiting marriage to a union between a man and a woman are unconstitutional.

So, because California has no heteros-only marriage amendment in the constitutional, marriage, full civil marriage with all state-granted rights and privileges pertaining thereunto, is now LEGAL in California! Having one of the trend-setting, largest, most influential states on our side will surely increase the pressure for recognizing the constitutionality of gay marriage on the state level AND the national level and thus, by extension, the unconstitutionality of the stupid, illegal DOMAs on the state and national levels. Excelsior, people! Excelsior!

Clothes on, clothes off, clothes on, clothes off…

Clothes on, clothes off, clothes on, clothes off… published on No Comments on Clothes on, clothes off, clothes on, clothes off…

You know where most of my time, energy and money goes regarding my dolls? This goes for 1:6 action figs, BJDs and my digital models. It goes to CLOTHES. I spend the most money not on the basic figures themselves or sets or accessories, but outfits. And I spend time not on scripting, lighting, posing, shooting or editing, but dressing and undressing.

I have a barrelful of deeply emotional and aesthetic reasons for enjoying dolls, but I would like to add a simple, not-so-profound one to the list. Dressing up and down is FUN. Dressing one’s own human self up and down is often limited by available funds or available sizes, while dressing small replicas of people up and down tends to be cheaper and less hampered by sizing problems. Besides being less expensive and also easier than dressing oneself up and down, dressing dolls up and down also offers the pleasures of an open-ended puzzle in which one keeps rearranging elements to achieve some desired solution or look. 

Furthermore, dressing dolls up and down provides a challenge — to successfully dress/undress the doll — than can be as simple or as complex as one wishes. For example, one can have a general goal [i.e., winter clothes suitable for a background character] or a more elusive, yet specific goal [i.e., something for a male character that highlights gender ambiguity and play without crossing into the stereotypical territory of transvestite or drag queen, while containing high levels of pink and orange, as well as high heels and something form-fitting]. [The last is usually my general set of provisions when choosing clothes for Will.] Because the level of sophistication is determined entirely by the doll owner’s level of interest, doll dressing/undressing can, in many cases, be both a challenge with a series of obstacles and a deeply satisfying endeavor.

Dressing dolls up and down seems to be such an integral part of the way that doll owners use their dolls that I sometimes think that people get dolls solely to take their clothes off and put them back on. Clothing removal and addition is a major way that people play with their dolls. It’s a version of the child’s game of “dress up,” which entails formulating strange outfits from the leftovers of hand-me-downs and old costumes. By this analogy, doll dressing/undressing furthers no greater goal [i.e., the dolls aren’t necessarily dressing up to go somewhere] and has no deeper meaning. It’s simply an end in and of itself.

P.S. Purveyors of paper dolls understand the sheer joy that comes from dressing/undressing dolls, and they exploit this to its logical extremity. Paper dolls remove the extraneous details from a doll — articulation, eyes, hair, even its very three-dimensionality — in favor of a mere base upon which different outfits can be applied.

Twilight as fan fiction

Twilight as fan fiction published on 5 Comments on Twilight as fan fiction

Twilight is fan fiction, and from this fan fictional identity derives both its strengths and its weaknesses.

While fan fiction may be strictly defined as unauthorized literary activities with someone else’s characters, I would also define as fan fiction a self-insertion story where the writer uses time-worn literary devices to stick him- or herself into a story, thus fulfilling his/her wishes. This definition of fan fiction thus includes Twilight.

Fan fic of the self-insertion type almost always features a Mary Sue, an idealized character whose high levels of beauty, virtue, personal magnetism and general magic create a narrative vortex from which not even the strongest plot can escape. A bastardized author surrogate, the Mary Sue is not a realistic self-insertion because the Mary Sue’s ideal qualities have no bearing on the author’s actual real-life personality. Nevertheless, Mary Sue can still be seen as a self-insertion because she represents the author’s transparent ideal of a perfect character who receives all the benefits of the narrative.

In her entertaining and informative overview, Too Good To Be True: 150 Years Of Mary Sue, Pat Pflieger lists the common traits of a Mary Sue. Bella Swan, protagonist of Twilight, has almost all of these traits, suggesting that she is a transparently obvious Mary Sue.

To summarize Pflieger’s list:

1. “Her name is distinctive, symbolic, or descriptive — and sometimes uncannily similar to that of her creator.” Isabella Swan certainly counts as a distinctive name. Because Isabella was the name of a Spanish queen and because swans are connoted as graceful, beautiful, pure birds, the symbolic weight of Bella’s name pushes her clearly into idealized territory.

2. A Mary Sue is “physically striking.” In Bella’s case, her black hair and extremely pale skin form a fascinating aesthetic contrast recognizable from thousands of versions of Snow White. With her slight stature and light weight [115 pounds, I think], she epitomizes dainty, frail, childlike femininity.

3. A Mary Sue has excellent brainpower: intelligence, cleverness, psychic powers and/or empathy. While no one can, by any stretch of the imagination, call Bella intelligent or even clever, she does possess a certain type of mental magic. First, for some reason, she is impervious to vampiric mind-reading. Second, she also has enough empathetic perception to realize that Edward is full of bullshit a vampire. Her mental shielding abilities and her sympathetic insights into vampires count as Bella’s special brainpower.

4. A Mary Sue is tough. While Bella may not have much grit, gumption or backbone, she certainly is tough as in indestructible. Nearly crushed by a van, bitten by a vampire and flung across the room, Bella suffers a variety of slams throughout Twilight. But, by the end of the novel, she still has enough energy to limp to her prom, despite several casts.

5. A Mary Sue may have elements of whimsy in her character or things about her that others find endearing. Though I personally am not amused by this, Edward seems quite enchanted by Bella’s tendency to injure herself and faint at inopportune times. Stephenie Meyer may be attempting some whimsy here, but it’s hard to tell.

6. “In these stories, Mary Sue is the center of the known universe.” Despite having no known redeeming qualities, Bella attracts admirers the way that carrion attracts rotting meat. When she wanders in to high school in Forks, guys immediately introduce themselves to her, as do girls. She soon has at least four male admirers, including 2 mortals, 1 werewolf [Jacob, who I knew was a werewolf from the very first time I saw him] and 1 vampire. In time, the entire Cullen clan is orbiting around her, going to drastic lengths to keep her alive. Furthermore, the climax of the book occurs because evil vampires are hunting…guess who? Bella, of course. With a posse of mortal groupies, a gang of vampires catering to her whims and a group of evil vampires setting her in their sights, Bella is an object for 90% of the cast of Twilight.

Dramatically named, stunningly beautiful, unusually empathetic, indefatigably full of endurance, charmingly klutzy, not to mention charismatic to good and evil characters alike, Bella is obviously a Mary Sue.

In fact, Stephenie Meyer even says as much on Web site where she writes in an essay called The Story Behind Twilight, “For my vampire (who I was in love with from day one) I decided to use a name that had once been considered romantic, but had fallen out of popularity for decades [emphasis mine].” While Meyer claims elsewhere in this essay that her characters “won’t shut up” and that they behave like invisible friends, she tellingly does not ever say that she is “in love” with Bella. Did you get that? She is just “in love” with Edward.

Some simple math shows us how this casual statement proves Twilight is a self-insertion fic. Meyer is “in love” with Edward. Bella, her character, is “in love” with Edward. Since Meyer wishes to experience the type of all-consuming lust and passion that she only dreams about [aforementioned essay describes how the climactic chapter and central concept of Twilight came to her in a dream], she uses Bella to get into the story and experience being “in love” with the sparkly glitter vampire. Bella is [an idealized author surrogate for] Meyer.

Some time later I will discuss how Twilight as fan fiction informs the work’s strengths and weaknesses.

Previous discussions of Mary Sues are here [Mary Sue quiz] and here [why Mary Sue has to die]. A general discussion of literary tropes is here [tvtropes.com applied to LHF].

Previous entries in the series on my Twilight mini-obsession are here:  #1, #2, #3, #4 and #5.

 

 

Enemas for inspiration

Enemas for inspiration published on No Comments on Enemas for inspiration

Nick Lowe, in an article entitled The Well-Tempered Plot Device [in an old 1986 issue of Ansible] in which he is ranting against hackneyed sci-fi/fantasy, terms worn-out literary devices [e.g., red kryptonite] as “little enemas to the Muse.” HAH! Poor Muse, don’t eat cliches, or you’ll leak plot out your ass.

Dark Needs at Night’s Edge

Dark Needs at Night’s Edge published on No Comments on Dark Needs at Night’s Edge

While I was at W**-M**t buying my own copy of Twilight, I noticed an infestation of OTHER vampire romance novels all over the bestsellers shelves. I poked my head into Dark Needs at Night’s Edge by Kresley Cole because it sounded vaguely promising. Neomi, insubstantial and glammy ghost ballerina, is bound forever to haunt her property, unseen by all. Fortunately, entertainment arrives in the form of Conrad, a slightly looney vampire whose specialties are frothing, gnashing and — hooray! — viewing Neomi. Plot ensues.

This one was hilarious, primarily because of Conrad. If you follow the link, you can read an excerpt from the book, which portrays his internal monolog as follows: “Tales of his insanity spreading once more. I’ve never missed a target — how insane can I be? He answers himself: Very fucking much so.” To such inane rhetorical questions, Cole also adds constant, redundant commentary on the action: “Just as his hands are about to meet around the Lykae’s corded neck, the beast claps something to his right wrist. A manacle? Clenching harder, he grates out a rasping laugh.” Furthermore, Cole makes Conrad curse constantly, just in case you haven’t realized how BAD-FUCKING-ASS he is, okay? Conrad, incidentally, does not come across as particularly bad-ass. He comes across as a weirdo with a puppet show in his head.

I can’t tell you what happened in the rest of the book because I didn’t have time to finish it, but I assume that Neomi and Conrad had sex [somehow] and then lived happily ever after, at least until Neomi caught a whiff of his internal monolog and laughed so hard that she dissolved.

Vampires are people too in Vivian Vande Velde’s Companions of the Night

Vampires are people too in Vivian Vande Velde’s Companions of the Night published on

Velde reimagines the vampire romance genre with Companions of the Night, a 1995 story of teenaged Kerry, whose trip to the laundromat to retrieve her little brother’s teddy embroils her in torture, kidnap, robbery, arson and murder. When she defends Ethan against vicious kidnappers, she discovers that she got more than she bargained for, as Ethan is sneaky, unreliable and vampiric. Nevertheless, she must trust him and even adopt some of his tough, duplicitous ways if she is to rescue her family from an unhinged vampire hunter.

This was much more a book about action and suspense than about supernatural events. Though Ethan introduces Kerry to a world of standard vampiric tropes, much of the book focuses on the secretive and destructive acts he and Kerry must perform to follow and capture the unhinged hunter. Thus Ethan and the rest of the vampires seem no more dangerous than any mortal gang that survives by doing nasty things under most people’s radar. The strong similarities between vampires and members of criminal gangs illuminated Velde’s vampires as people who are living out the worst of their human nature. I personally liked this conception of vampires being all too susceptible to human failings. 

Even though I liked Velde’s perspective on vampiric nature and heroine Kerry, who, though victimized by vampires, retains some cleverness, suspicion and ambivalence throughout the book, I didn’t find Companions of the Night engaging. With such an evocative title conjuring up friendship or, at the very least, close, strongly emotional ties, the book should at least have a little feeling, right? Since we follow Kerry, we should feel her panic, her confusion, her attraction toward Ethan, her anxiety about her missing family. But we don’t. Instead of sincere emotion, we get lots of frenetic action, which is fascinating because we’re trying to figure out how all the pieces of the puzzle will fit, but I don’t really care if they do. 

Somewhere between the melodrama of Twilight and the jumpy action of Companions of the Night, there’s a great vampire novel. However, I have yet to read it. Maybe it doesn’t exist. Sob!

Vampires, ghosts and spirits in a Thai light bulb commercial

Vampires, ghosts and spirits in a Thai light bulb commercial published on No Comments on Vampires, ghosts and spirits in a Thai light bulb commercial

Check it out. The first creature that appears in this commercial, the krasue, is a variant of the self-detaching, flying mananagal or penanggalen — a southeast Asian type of vampiric creature — that I’ve mentioned earlier. I love how dismissively the family reacts to the mythical beings. 

Today’s word: “pillowy”

Today’s word: “pillowy” published on No Comments on Today’s word: “pillowy”

Lev Grossman describes the style of Stephenie Meyer, whose garbologous vampire train wrecks are the object of my current mini-obsession, as “pillowy…distinctly reminiscent of Internet fan fiction.”  A beautifully evocative adjective, yes? Still rather vague in this sentence, though. I think of a “pillowy” book as one you can take to bed: a comfortable, predictable story that leaves you feeling warm, unchallenged and happy. Since “pillowy” literally means “like a pillow” or “soft,” Grossman seems to have something in mind more along the lines of “squishy, sentimental and lacking in true substance.” I’d argue that Meyer’s books are “pillowy=comfortable and soothing” because they are “pillowy=sentimental and light.”

I also think “pillowy” should be removed from its derogatory relegation because it’s perfect for so many other things: the warm rounded curves of the Green Mountains, the gentle hills of cumulus clouds on a summer day, the layered mounds of petals in a rose flower, the frothy and cool sensations of Key Lime pie, the undulant stillness of floating in a calm body of water, the comfortable portions of a loved one that you like to rest your head against and, of course, the yielding mountains of bedclothes upon which you drop into dreams.

Previous entries in the Stephenie Meyer series are here: #1, #2, #3 and #4.

I’m trapped in the Labyrinth with only a pink computer for communication. Also Jareth is being mean.

I’m trapped in the Labyrinth with only a pink computer for communication. Also Jareth is being mean. published on No Comments on I’m trapped in the Labyrinth with only a pink computer for communication. Also Jareth is being mean.

I’m about 10 years late to the game, but this checklist for writers of Laby fanfic makes me crack up. It reminds me of the episodically long fanfic via E-mail I did with one of my friends during my first year of college and into the summer. I don’t even remember what the plot was, but Jareth kept dragging us back and forth out of the Labyrinth. If I recall accurately, the Labyrinth was losing magic, and, for some reason, my friend and I had to be the ones to fix it. 

The one clever innovation we had was that we would write each other messages and occasionally IMs as if we were in plot [“I just had the weirdest experience; Jareth yanked me into the Labyrinth again…”], and I believe there was some writing in character from Jareth’s point of view too. He, by the way, was immature, selfish, explosive, infuriating, manipulative, annoying and thoroughly unredeemable, which proved problematic as we struggled to find a justification for helping out the King of the Dickwads Goblins.

Anyway, we stopped writing after HUNDREDS of single-spaced pages. As we trailed off, I was stuck in the Labyrinth with only a pink computer for a communications device! OH NO!!! The non-ending ending amuses me because it makes me think of something like Dispatches From The Labyrinth. 

Now I’m getting nostalgic. I should look back at that file. [Yes, I still have it all in one file and NO YOU CAN’T READ IT.]

“I can see — hah! — right through you!”: review of Death Becomes Her

“I can see — hah! — right through you!”: review of Death Becomes Her published on 1 Comment on “I can see — hah! — right through you!”: review of Death Becomes Her

Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn’s impressive physical comedy — with rubbery, expressive faces and slapstick timing — really make Death Becomes Her.  Competing for the affections of plastic surgeon and undertaker Ernest [played by Bruce Willis], Madeline [Streep] and Helen [Hawn] characters ingest a magical elixir that guarantees perfect youth. Unfortunately, the formula does not guarantee perfect invulnerability, so Madeline and Helen prevail upon Ernest to do their heavy-duty make-up and maintenance. Will they tempt Ernest  to immortality? Will they be able to keep themselves together [literally]? Who really ends up with immortality in the end? 

With dry wit, the script deftly skewers the modern equation of youth with beauty and happiness; Streep and Hawn, masters of zingy delivery, drop bons mots that kept me chuckling. They play their constant goat-getting with such relish that the fact of their misery goes slightly less noticed until the end, when they attend Ernest’s funeral and learn that, through his kindness, charity, sense of humor and good works, as well as his descendants, he has truly reached immortality.

On a vampiric note, I enjoyed Death Becomes Her for its investigation of the flip side of immortality. Madeline and Helen’s physical fragility exemplifies a damning and unexpected consequence of living forever. [I particularly liked Madeline’s confrontation with the medical establishment. Her controversion of all laws of physics drives the examining physician to drink.] Meanwhile, Ernest, who thinks of immortality as boring, lonely and pointless, provides the philosophical argument for a finite lifespan.

[Filed under “vampires” for treatment of immortality.]

The trashiness is MINE!

The trashiness is MINE! published on 3 Comments on The trashiness is MINE!

Having acquired my own copy of Twilight, I can now revisit its wonderfully horrible fan-fictional melodrama any time I wish. HUZZAH!!!

There are some very unintentionally revealing articles about author Stephenie Meyer that I want to analyze, but I can’t do it now, so I’ll just link to them:

Stephenie Meyer: A New J.K. Rowling? by Lev Grossman, Time, April 24, 2008.

Stephenie Meyer [The New Time 100: #74] by Orson Scott Card, Time, May 5, 2008

The Story Behind Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, stepheniemeyer.com

There is no such thing as a good vampire movie.

There is no such thing as a good vampire movie. published on 2 Comments on There is no such thing as a good vampire movie.

I am firmly convinced of this. I just saw the teaser trailer for Twilight [previously mentioned here and here], in which Bella, a mortal, falls in love with Edward, a douchebag vampire. Because the trailer usually provides a condensed view of the movie’s tone, cinematography, plot and acting abilities, I have no faith in the upcoming film. It appears that it will consist of people standing around looking dyspeptic and occasionally making hammy, passionate proclamations, all with portentous special effects and no sense of humor whatsoever. Regrettable, really, when Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are each young actors known for actually doing some good acting.

Wait…I take back what I said about there being no good vampire movies. Nosferatu is good.

A vampire romance train wreck: Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

A vampire romance train wreck: Twilight by Stephenie Meyer published on 16 Comments on A vampire romance train wreck: Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

I eagerly devoured Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, which I mentioned in a previous entry, and hoooooo boy, it was even better than I expected, which is to say that it was gloriously horrible!

The narrator Bella kept whining, tripping over things, fainting, making uninformed decisions and brushing off her human friends in order to be with the vampire Edward. All other characters both mortal and immortal hovered around Bella adoringly, but I don’t know why. She was just a zero with strongly suicidal impulses who defined herself solely in relation to Edward.

As for Edward, he was constantly described as a paragon of physical beauty who was good at everything he did, from schoolwork to sports to music, but he didn’t have much personality. Despite Bella’s insistence on his charisma, goodness and gentleness, however, he was severely lacking in redeeming qualities. Moody, unpredictable, domineering, condescending and supercilious, Edward constantly laughed at Bella, teased her for her weakness and spouted sexist, macho assumptions that he should take care of her by dictating her every movement. Never has such a supposedly perfect exterior concealed such an amazing black hole of character development.

Because Twilight so clearly follows the lineaments of a modern romance novel, as I read, I constantly compared Twilight to Warrior’s Woman by Johanna Lindsey, one of my favorite books that I love to hate. It’s a romance novel about a police officer from a liberated egalitarian society who crashes on a planet full of hierarchical hunters whose society subjugates and controls women. She meets “dominant maleness personified” [that’s a quote from the book], and they spend most of the book torturing each other physically and psychologically until they finally admit that they really enjoy this sadomasochistic lust. In a very general sense, then, Warrior’s Woman provides the template for Twilight’s plot, in which a woman feels a burning attraction for “dominant maleness personified” and, after fighting internally, finally admits that she likes being possessed and objectified.

Warrior’s Woman differs from Twilight, however, by making this plot actually work. No matter how much the characters piss me off with their sexist assumptions, they always remain psychologically consistent and therefore believable. Most importantly for me, Tedra in Warrior’s Woman relishes the attention from Challen, no matter how torturous it seems. She looks cheerfully forward to reaming him out and to him punishing her; therefore the entire story is basically her telling her inner feminist objections to shut up so she can be happily dominated. Whether you agree with Tedra’s mindset or not, Lindsey takes pains to show the reader that Tedra and Challen both enjoy his dominance, her submission and their adversarial relationship. They eventually agree that they prefer their kinky master/uppity slave relationship, and they accept it.


Frank from RHPS would like to remind you, “Don’t judge a book by its coverrrrrrrrrr!”

By contrast, the domination/submission plot in Twilight never really works because Meyer never convinces the readers that Bella consents to this type of relationship with Edward. Bella is an independent, assertive character, at least in the beginning; she chooses to move by herself from Arizona to Washington to live with her dad. She toughs it out at a new school and takes over kitchen duty from her dad, all actions that suggest a person with grit, stubbornness and a need to control her life and the lives of those around her. She’s used to caring for other people, and she gives no indication that she wishes for someone to be “dominant maleness personified” for her.

So, initially, Bella has no interest in or predisposition toward a submissive role. All of this flies out the window, however, when she hooks up with Edward, who rescues her, physically overpowers her, tells her what to do and otherwise keeps forcing her into the submissive position. Her great lust for him short-circuits her assertiveness, but she always feels uncomfortable when her dominates her. For example, all throughout the book, Bella makes it clear to everyone in earshot that she doesn’t want to go to the prom. Naturally, because he’s some sort of second-guessing, mind-fucking idiot, Edward surprises her by dragging her to the prom at the end of the book [p. 484]:

My face and neck flushed crimson with anger. I could feel the rage-induced tears starting to fill my eyes. … “You’re taking me to THE PROM!” I yelled.

It was embarrassingly obvious now. If I’d been paying attention at all, I’m sure I would have noticed the date on the posters that decorated the school buildings. But I’d never dreamed he was thinking of subjecting me to this. Didn’t he know me at all?

…He pressed his lips together and his eyes narrowed. “Don’t be difficult, Bella.”

…”Why are you doing this to me?” I demanded in horror.

…I was mortified…

I’d guessed there was some kind of occasion brewing. But PROM! That was the furthest thing from my mind.

The angry tears rolled over my cheeks…

If you pay attention to the bolded phrases, you’ll notice that Bella does not want to go. She is furious at Edward because his assumptions about her prove how little he actually knows her desires. She also feels terrified because she is being forced to do something that she obviously doesn’t want to. Edward beats her down by beguiling her with the Captivating Vampire Eyes of Magical Hypnotism, but that doesn’t erase the fact that Bella was absolutely panicked. This sort of thing happens throughout the book — Bella says she doesn’t want to do something, but Edward forces her into it anyway — but never so disturbingly as in this passage. Bella’s long-standing objection to prom, her terror when she realizes that she’s being taken, even her framing of the event — something she is “subjected” to — suggests a violation and deep betrayal akin to rape. This is why Twilight’s plot of humiliation and submission doesn’t work. We have no indication that Bella accepts the role placed upon her. In fact, she vehemently rejects it, but, for some reason, Meyer thinks it’s romantic to violate and betray her heroine over and over again.

Guilting you into expensive vacations: An ad for Orlando, FL attractions

Guilting you into expensive vacations: An ad for Orlando, FL attractions published on 2 Comments on Guilting you into expensive vacations: An ad for Orlando, FL attractions

So I was flipping through the “Orlando Official Vacation Guide 2008,” a glossy publication of the Orlando/Orange County Convention and Visitors Bureau. Most of the pages cover conspicuous consumption, such as resorts, golf and shopping, although there are 6 pages about “Heritage,” including a pitch for the Orange County Regional History Center, which tells the “story of Orlando — from the Seminole Indians to Mickey Mouse — through interactive exhibits.”

Anyway, the “Attractions” section is fronted by a two-page spread that tries to guilt readers into consuming said attractions. I’ve scanned the pages below because I’m most interested in the way that the ad copy defines childhood, the supposed “problems” of childhood and “Attractions” as the cure.

As we know, every good story — and every good ad — starts with a problem. If a problem doesn’t truly exist, the ad must make you think there’s one. That’s why this ad spells it out in the very first sentences: “Childhood is fleeting. Our kids are more grown-up then we ever imagined being at their age.” The ad sympathizes with parents, who look at their children from a befuddled distance. The ad assumes that the experiences of today’s supposedly mature kids are literally outside the scope of the clueless parents’ imaginations.

Not only clueless, the implied parental readers of the ad are also powerless. “You wish you could tell them not to be in such a rush,” the ad goes on, “…but then you would just sound like a parent.” The unstated message is that you don’t want to sound like a nagging, bossy, know-it-all parent, do ya? DO YOU? The ad bullies you into not communicating with your kids, which makes its portrayal of a generation gap more problematic. If the ad suggests that you should refrain from talking to your kids, as a result, your kids will seem perplexing and distant. They might seem beyond your imagination. In other words, the very problem the ad describes — kids being foreign and supposedly mature and distant to parents — occurs due to the ad’s exhortation that you not sound like a sanctimonious parent. In other words, the ad is creating the aforementioned problem AS YOU READ IT. It’s rather sinister. It seems as if the ad is prescribing how to raise your kids wrong.

The ad goes on to list symptoms of the “grown-up kid” syndrome. “Teens” are attached to “the video-game controller,” that is, plugged in and pacified by electronic media. “Tweens” are “hard-to-impress.” Already their young hearts have been jaded and toughened. 

Fortunately, the ad has just the prescription for shocking your kids out of their stupefaction. With the attractions available in Orlando, your kids can “ride their own rollercoaster” or go on “spine-tingling thrill rides.” That ought to shake ’em up.

But the biggest benefit of all, the ad promises, is that the attractions allow you to “reconnect” with your family. In fact, it is “easy” to do so at these attractions because “you’ll be the coolest parent ever for bringing them to this amazing place.” Instead of a maturer, older, wiser presence who provides loving guidance and discipline tempered with the wisdom of increased years, you, the parents/readers, are going to be “the coolest!” The attractions will “take you to the edge of your own childhood” so that parents and children can be equals in their glee. Attractions erase the vast differences in power, knowledge and experience between parents and children, and, so claims the ad, that’s awesome! With everyone running around like kids, the kids come out of their jaded shells, and the parents finally have some fun, and everyone’s happy. Right?!

I find this conception of family bonding through enforced regression problematic, to say the least. If your kids seem distant and preoccupied, sucked into electronic media, it is probably not the best idea to drag them off to a multimedia consumption fest. Here’s a novel concept — maybe you should try talking to them, even though you’ll probably come across as a dorky, uncool parent. I do believe, however, that children do not really benefit from hip, with-it parents who are just one of the gang. I mean, we have to treat our kids with respect, not talking down to them, addressing them as intelligent beings, but we can neither deny nor forget the power differential. We are older; we have more experience and knowledge. Though our children challenge your authority and, of course, have experiences that we will never have, they do depend on us for love, guidance and support. Often that love and guidance manifests itself as sternness, rules, restrictions, sacrifices and words that “make you sound just like a parent.” I do not have a problem with purely hedonistic vacations and rewards as such, but I do find this ad’s insistence on good parenting = consumption orgy = acting like a kid highly suspect.

Likely flashbacks for LHF establishment

Likely flashbacks for LHF establishment published on 2 Comments on Likely flashbacks for LHF establishment

 suggested on the LHF site that I redo some of the 9 seasons of LHF that I did with dolls in order to re-establish the characters’ back stories in this reboot of LHF. The mere thought of redoing those tons of stories fills me with exhaustion, but I think judicious use of flashbacks could help. Following is a list of things that I’d like to flash back to:

SEASON 1

Will, cohabitating with Mark, has writer’s block and a singularly crass view of his vampiric existence.

Anneka and Will’s first conversation goes from death to sex. I’ve also always found it highly interesting, essential and problematic that date rape initiates their relationship.

SEASON 2

Nothing.

SEASON 3

In the plotline that eventually leads to Anneka’s demise, Dom hates Will with the envious hatred that only a loser can muster. Unfortunately, his friend Caveat dies in the fallout from their vendetta, a fact that I have always regretted.

Dom, continuing to be a douchebag, decides that vengeance is the answer to his grief over Caveat’s death.

SEASON 4

Anneka and Will, on the outs, run into each other in Chinatown. Dom interrupts their friendly fire. Will delivers the smack-down on Dom. The douchebag kills Anneka. Will intercepts.

SEASON 5

Baozha finds the Season 4 Pieta. Chow watches over Anneka’s resurrection and makes sure Will doesn’t do unseemly things to her body.

SEASON 6

Pippilotta’s mini-arc in eps 6.3, 6.4 and 6.5 gives her a lot more depth, explains some of her motivations and makes her a good foil for Anneka. [I can’t believe I just said “mini-arc.”]

SEASON 7

Will asks Mark if Mark thinks that Will is gay. Lots of bons mots from Mark. NB: It is probably not a good idea, if you are a guy, to ask your male ex-boyfriend if said ex thinks you are gay. Later, Will is pissed that everyone thinks he’s gay.

SEASON 8

The familial melodrama between Janet, Velvette and Viktor [and, tangentially, Sibley] carries this season in 8.1 [hello, Viktor!], 8.3 [wow, Janet has a personality!], 8.8 [love Janet’s door!], 8.9 [zotz to head, Janet!] and 8.10 [watch out, Sibley!]. It explains how Velvette wound up taking care of Janet and how Viktor wound up with Sibley.

Shot for a broken leg: Why horses don’t do well with injured limbs

Shot for a broken leg: Why horses don’t do well with injured limbs published on 2 Comments on Shot for a broken leg: Why horses don’t do well with injured limbs

Eight Belles, second-place finisher at this year’s Kentucky Derby, fell down with two ankle fractures after the race. She was then killed. A resuscitated Slate article, discussing another racehorse killed for having a broken leg, explains why horses with broken legs are frequently killed by their owners. Basically, there are several risk factors for a horse with a broken leg.

1. Little blood circulation below the knee of equine legs means that a break could disturb the blood connection between the broken part and the rest of the horse’s body, depriving the broken part of full immune responses and thus making it more likely to become infected.

2. Post-injury antibiotics are a tricky business. Too few, and the horse won’t feel the effect. Too many, and the horse gets life-threatening shits or ulcers.

3. An injured horse may favor its healthy legs, thus causing laminitis, in which the hooves separate from the bones and the horse walks on the soft flesh of its feet. Ow. To get the full impact of this disease, remember that a horse’s hooves are basically highly adapted toes. Their hooves are basically their toenails which, over the years, have developed into protective caps for the ends of their feet so that their feet can bear punishing weight and shifts in position. Laminitis means that the horse’s protective caps are coming off, which leaves the horse in the equivalent position of a human being doing ballet en pointe in bare feet without toenails. Yuck.

4. In a reason that is most fascinating to me, a horse will rarely heal from a broken leg because it will just not stay still enough to allow the bone to set. Damn fidgety equines!

The execution of broken-legged horses underscores the harsh reality of horse design and the brutal nature of racing horses. It also makes me wonder how broken legs would affect centaurs??

LHF 1.1: Anneka and Will are so in love …not!

LHF 1.1: Anneka and Will are so in love …not! published on No Comments on LHF 1.1: Anneka and Will are so in love …not!

And LHF is live! Or dead! Or undead. Anyway, the first ep is up, in which Anneka and Will are getting along swimmingly. HAR! Go see. Leave a comment on the site. Remember, you can follow the LHF feed at http://lovehasfangs.livejournal.com .

LHF launches tomorrow!

LHF launches tomorrow! published on No Comments on LHF launches tomorrow!

For a ton of just-added character sketches, please visit the cast page to link to them all. Each sketch contains a mini cartoon to enliven the dull biographical details. I made too many to count, so just head over and flip through them. Then leave a comment. I fixed it so that you can leave comments now.

 is now on my list of known readers, which also includes damsel_ophelia, dollsahoy, batchix, freak42 and stevie_stever! That makes 6. Hooray!

Remember — you can add LHF to your friends list by following its feed here: http://syndicated.livejournal.com/lovehasfangs/profile

I started off with 12 subscribers [from a previous iteration of LHF], and now I’m up to 15. Perhaps some of my known readers are subscribing…

Incidentally,

 gave me a friendly shout-out in her blog today, in which she admits, “I’m fairly excited to see what new stories she’ll be telling.” I’m excited too!

You can now leave me comments on LHF!

You can now leave me comments on LHF! published on No Comments on You can now leave me comments on LHF!

Now you can leave comments on my comics! Go to http://www.oddpla.net/lhf/ to find and comment on the latest eps.

Remember — you can also add LHF to your LJ feeds so it appears conveniently on your friends list: http://lovehasfangs.livejournal.com

Two cast members, one post: Minerva and Leonora

Two cast members, one post: Minerva and Leonora published on 2 Comments on Two cast members, one post: Minerva and Leonora

Minerva Artemisia Freshkill Richardson is a mortal.

She is Anneka’s paternal grandmother. She was born in 1921. She is now 87.

Minerva lives in Burlington, Vermont. In her prime, she was a teacher of classics at the Endless Lake Boarding School. She was also an author of coffee table books and an environmental activist.

In her prime, Minerva’s strengths were her indefatigable energy and quick mind. Her weaknesses were her obliviousness to others’ feelings and her impetuosity.

http://www.oddpla.net/lhfweb/cast/minerva.jpg

—-

Leonora Ashby Cox was a mortal. She was Will’s mother. She was born in 1844 and died in 1900.

Leonora lived in West Somerville, Massachusetts with her husband Will Sr. and her son Will. She was an author of fairy tales.

Leonora’s strengths were her imaginative storytelling and her devotion to her son. Her weaknesses were her imaginative storytelling and her devotion to her son.

http://www.oddpla.net/lhfweb/cast/leonora.jpg

 

Oh God, it’s so beautiful!

Oh God, it’s so beautiful! published on No Comments on Oh God, it’s so beautiful!

Stayin’ Alive for H3 is a beautiful digital outfit. I try not to buy clothes for my digital people any more, but I think I’m going to cave because this is EXACTLY Will’s style. There are also disco ball and disco floor props. Whhhaaaa hooooo!

Notes to self re LHF publicity

Notes to self re LHF publicity published on No Comments on Notes to self re LHF publicity

Awwww yeah, I have 5 readers now: damsel_ophelia, dollsahoy, batchix, freak42 and stevie_stever!

And, just so I don’t lose it, here’s my open ticket requesting an update to the LJ feed for LHF.

http://www.livejournal.com/support/see_request.bml?id=881900&auth=hgbf

LHF cast: Velvette

LHF cast: Velvette published on 1 Comment on LHF cast: Velvette

Velvette Crush is a mortal.

She is Will’s “fag hag,” in his words. She was born in 1982. She is now 26.

Velvette lives in Porter Square, Cambridge, Massachusetts with her half-sister Janet. She is a fashion designer and fetishwear model. However, she would rather be writing depressing songs and accompanying them on her guitar.

Velvette’s strengths include her sweet temper and her outrageous sense of style. Her weaknesses include her general melancholy and her lack of self-confidence.

http://www.oddpla.net/lhfweb/cast/velvette.jpg

 

LHF cast: Mark

LHF cast: Mark published on 1 Comment on LHF cast: Mark

Mark Berringer is a vampire.

He is Will’s ex and Anneka’s employer. He was born in 1937 and vamped at the age of 43. He is now 71. He is affiliated with the South Enders.

Mark lives in the South End, Boston, Massachusetts. He is the proprietor of La Bibliotheque Souterraine. However, he would rather be organizing his coin collection or gardening.

Mark’s strengths include his vast knowledge of vampire culture and his sympathetic ear. His weaknesses include his barely suppressed desire for Will and the fact that he is a huge push-over.
http://www.oddpla.net/lhfweb/cast/mark.jpg

 

“You have to be GAY for that poor dead boy and bring him into the light.”

“You have to be GAY for that poor dead boy and bring him into the light.” published on 2 Comments on “You have to be GAY for that poor dead boy and bring him into the light.”

I am so pissed at the latest ep of my favorite currently running show, Supernatural. It takes a set-up with meta-humorous possibilities and flushes it down the toilet with a send-off of homophobic cliches. The conceit is that a team of amateur doofuses, the Ghostfacers, wish to film a reality show of their investigation of a haunted house. Their investigation becomes serious when an actual murderous ghost shows up. Fortunately, Sam and Dean arrive to save the doofuses and dispatch the ghost. You can find details at Television Without Pity’s blow-by-blow summary. I’d like to concentrate on the goddamned stupid fucking homophobia.

One member of the Doofus Brigade, Corbett, has a crush on another member, whose name I forget, so I will call him Blond Guy. I have no problem with Corbett’s stereotypical infatuated actions [smirking, complimenting, lingering glances] in the early part of the ep, nor with the rest of the Brigade’s discomfort with Corbett’s interest in Blond Guy. But that’s about the only part of the ep I don’t have a problem with.

Troubles begin when the murderous ghost takes Corbett hostage. Ghost also takes Sam hostage, but only kills Corbett. Corbett then appears in an endless replay of his death, which can only be resolved by the Blond Doofus snapping Corbett out of it and making him realize he’s dead. The Other Doofus Guy urges Blond Guy to be “gay for that poor dead boy and send him into the light” [or something like that]. Other Doofus insists that Blond Guy is the only one “brave enough” to do so. Blond Guy then bullshits to Corbett about how much Corbett meant to him. Corbett realizes that he is dead. Touched by the Blond Doofus’ admission of feelings for him, Corbett saves his friends by attacking the murderous ghost. Both the murderous ghost and Corbett dissolve and go to hell. One of the doofuses closes the reality show ep by remarking that he’s learning that “gay love can pierce through the wall of death and save the day.”

In the wake of this ep, this is what I have learned:

1. Gay guys are simpering, pathetically enamored, wibbly, weak individuals. They have little composure, little gumption, little bravery, little self-restraint and little strength.

2. They are also expendable.

3. In fact, in the overall calculus of horror movies, if you line up a bunch of innocent nubile female heterosexual virgins next to a gay guy, the gay guy is going to get it because he is more vulnerable. This ep proved that indirectly by putting both a gay guy and a nubile young woman on the Doofus Brigade and then making sure that the only one who bit it was the gay guy.

4. Homosexuality is more horrifying than murderous spirits. Notice how the only circumstances in which bravery is explicitly invoked are the ones where Blond Guy is encouraged to “be gay for” Corbett’s dead and tortured soul. So apparently you don’t have to be brave to enter a haunted house or to search for your kidnapped friend or to confront a murderous ghost; such challenges are nothing compared to the excruciating torture of a straight guy admitting to another guy that he cares for him.

5. Homosexuality is such a threat that it must be completely killed, then silenced, effectively erased. Corbett dies once by the hand of the murderous ghost, but it’s not enough that he’s the only Doofus Brigadeer who croaks. No, he has to go further and become the Saintly, Self-Sacrificing, Repressed, Unfulfilled Character when he saves his friends by attacking the murderous ghost. So, not only does Corbett die, but he also completely destroys his soul in defending his friends. I don’t care what his motives were because the fact remains that he meets the same end as the murderous ghost. In the show’s calculus, the murderous ghost was a murderous pervert, so he deserved to die. By the same logic, because he met the exact same end, Corbett must have deserved to die as well. But what did he do to merit death? Answer: He was gay. 

So not only was Corbett killed and his soul destroyed, but then, at the very end of the ep, Dean and Sam erase the ep covering the Doofus Brigade’s adventures so that no one will know the circumstances of Corbett’s death. Dean and Sam remark that, with this destruction of evidence, “no one will ever know the truth” about the Ghostfacers. Well, no one will ever know the truth about Corbett either. He died once by the ghost’s hands, a second time by sacrificing himself and then a third time in the erasure of the video footage that told his story. By implication, homosexuality is as pernicious as the evil spirits that Dean and Sam eradicate, and those who practice it must be killed, then killed some more and killed again. Truly, this is the most disturbing aspect of the ep, reminding me of those medieval punishments of hanging, drawing and quartering. Of course, being hung, then drawn, then quartered, is overkill because the dead person is already dead after the hanging, but you still need the drawing and the quartering to really punish the remains for the extra heinous crime. Corbett’s self-sacrifice and the erasure of the tapes function as his drawing and quartering, excessive, spectacular violence heaped upon his already dead self just to reinforce how bad his crime of homosexuality was.

Ghostfacers ends up illustrating how silence can kill. It’s pretty obvious to me that the Doofus Brigade killed Corbett with their own stupid homophobia. They allude to this fact at the end of the ep when they say that they have learned something about themselves, but they remain oblivious to the sinister extent of their viciousness. They didn’t just fear Corbett; they drove him away and, in some sense, killed him THREE TIMES with the force of their revulsion. I find that deeply disturbing, truly horrific and very unsettling that the ep doesn’t even realize its true source of horror. Instead, we’re meant to approve of Corbett’s self-sacrifice and Dean and Sam’s erasure of the Doofus Brigade’s tapes. We’re supposed to laugh and ignore the venomous hate seething at the core of this ep.

LHF cast: Pippilotta

LHF cast: Pippilotta published on 5 Comments on LHF cast: Pippilotta

Anastasia Marshall, known as Pippilotta, is a vampire.

She is Anneka’s best friend. She was born in 1975 and vamped at the age of 26. She is now 33. She is not currently affiliated with any clan, although she was a member of the End of the World after being vamped.

Pippilotta lives in Davis Square, West Somerville, Massachusetts. She is a crisis counselor for the women’s hotline at Somerville Hospital. However, she would rather be watching horror films.

Pippilotta’s strengths include her loyalty and supportiveness. Her weaknesses include her bitterness and her repugnance toward anything with a penis.

http://www.oddpla.net/lhfweb/cast/pippilotta.jpg

 

Current and future pimping of LHF, also reader count

Current and future pimping of LHF, also reader count published on 1 Comment on Current and future pimping of LHF, also reader count

Current:
1. I link to updates from here, the Blog of Stench.
2. I link to updates on my Deviant Art account.
3. I post links in the Digital Dolls section of Men With Dolls.
4. I signed up for transcription services with ohnorobot.com, but I can’t figure it out.

Future:
1. Get someone with a paid account to make an LJ RSS feed for LHF.
2. Announce new eps in Commons on Daz boards.
3. Tell Burlington Doll Club.

So far I have 4 known readers:

 

LHF cast: Will

LHF cast: Will published on 2 Comments on LHF cast: Will

A big thank you to

, who gave me my very first comment ever. While I don’t do this to satisfy my readers’ desires, I do love comments, which are proof that someone is reading.  Anyway…

William Philomel Ashby Cox, known as Will, is a vampire.

He is Anneka’s boyfriend. He was born in 1870 and vamped at the age of 30. He is now 138. He is not currently affiliated with any clan. However, he did belong to the Sods after being vamped and, a few years ago, he was aligned with the South Enders.

Will lives in Davis Square, West Somerville, Massachusetts with his significant other Anneka. He is the Webmaster for lesbovamps.com. However, he would rather be doing just about anything else. Poetry would be nice, but he’s had writer’s block for over a century.

Will’s strengths include his wisdom about emotional matters and his tact. His weaknesses include sarcasm and self-hatred…not to mention his hideous “fashion sense.”
http://www.oddpla.net/lhfweb/cast/will.jpg

Twilight: First a book, now a movie.

Twilight: First a book, now a movie. published on No Comments on Twilight: First a book, now a movie.

I vaguely remember when Twilight came out that it was popular. People thought it was really good. Never read it, but liked the cover! 

I’m thinking I should investigate it, not because I really WANT to, but because some people think it’s full of Mary Sueish soppiness and stupid women in danger always rescued by saintly vampires, and also because it’s going to come out as a movie at the end of the year. Okay, cross that out — I actually DO want to read the book, primarily because of this vehemently scathing review on Amazon.com. Reviewer concludes:

Hey vampires are awesome, but not so much when they’re turned into superhero supermodels who wear way too much glitter body lotion. 

Will says, “I’m a vampire, and I like glitter, and there’s NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. :p”

I have a weakness for poorly written books. They show me what NOT to do.

P.S.  I am interested to read Companions of the Night by Vivian Vande Velde.

LHF cast: Anneka

LHF cast: Anneka published on 1 Comment on LHF cast: Anneka

Anneka Elizabeth Richardson is a vampire.

She is Will’s girlfriend. She was born in 1978 and vamped at the age of 27. She is now 30. She is not affiliated with any clan.

Anneka lives in Davis Square, West Somerville, Massachusetts with her significant other Will. She is an assistant bookseller at La Bibliotheque Souterraine in Boston’s South End. She also writes scripts for photostories on lesbovamps.com. However, she would rather be writing the Great American Novel about mermaids.

Anneka’s strengths include her overdeveloped intellect and analytical abilities. Her weaknesses include her sharp tongue and her tendency to [literally] run away from confrontation.

http://www.oddpla.net/lhfweb/cast/anneka.jpg

 

Hold on to your arteries…the vampires are coming back!!

Hold on to your arteries…the vampires are coming back!! published on 1 Comment on Hold on to your arteries…the vampires are coming back!!

Next Monday [my birthday], I am rebooting my sardonic soap opera of sex, death and very pointy teeth: Love Has Fangs. Follow the adventures of Anneka, a recent convert to the undead, and Will, her much older and not-at-all-wiser boyfriend. The weirdness begins on Monday, May 5th. Watch the following space: http://www.oddpla.net/lhf/ Nothing there yet, but there will be soon.

Daphnis the dragontaur!!!

Daphnis the dragontaur!!! published on 1 Comment on Daphnis the dragontaur!!!

What’s a dragontaur? you ask. It’s a therianthropic creature that, similar to a centaur, has the top half of a human growing where the dragon’s neck would be. As you can see from the picture below, taken in the dragontaurs’ natural habitat, they are fiercely feminist creatures who do not deal kindly with stupid comments from wanna-be heroes.

http://www.oddpla.net/blog/therianthropes/daphnis1.jpg

What is it about catgirls?

What is it about catgirls? published on No Comments on What is it about catgirls?

I have long wondered why kitty products proliferate in the Daz Marketplace for the anime-style models, Aiko 3, Hiro and Aiko 4. For example:

Techno Tabby for A3 [which I have]

Catgirl for A3

Animal Anime Tail Pack [targeted for the anime models, but usable for all models]

Kahochan Catgirl for Anime Doll

Black Cat Outfit for various anime models

I could go on with the cat products for other models, and then I could start in on the endless succession of rabbits and foxes, followed by the sheer overload of French maid outfits [no, I’m NOT telling you how many I have], but I think I’d throw up. Why so many cat options?

Well, apparently, fanservice has several major manifestations. One of them is making the character into a cat character. Other major fanservice themes include nudity or near nudity, gay/lesbian content, cross-dressing, bunny character, waitress, schoolgirl, blah blah blah. In conclusion, I think Daz is just feeding an interest in creating fanservice-like images.

I am not going to analyze why these particular themes are so interesting. I’m going back to work now [hahahaahahahahah!].

 

Why your feet are unhappy

Why your feet are unhappy published on 1 Comment on Why your feet are unhappy

 …According to Adam Sternbergh’s recent New Yorker article, You Walk Wrong, your feet are unhappy because you treat them as insensate supports for more important parts of your body, when, in fact, they should be getting as much attention as your hands. Here’s the most striking quote:

Admittedly, there’s something counterintuitive about the idea that less padding on your foot equals less shock on your body. But that’s only if we continue to think of our feet as lifeless blocks of flesh that hold us upright. The sole of your foot has over 200,000 nerve endings in it, one of the highest concentrations anywhere in the body. Our feet are designed to act as earthward antennae, helping us balance and transmitting information to us about the ground we’re walking on.

Think about that. Our feet were not originally developed just to be props for the rest of our bodies. When our hands and feet were less differentiated, both of them served to explore our environments with delicacy and sensitivity, as well as to move us around. In relegating feet to the status of lumps used for locomotion, we have deprived ourselves of a huge percentage of our sensorium.

Black characters in LHF are now happy!

Black characters in LHF are now happy! published on 1 Comment on Black characters in LHF are now happy!

I found them some hair that doesn’t look like it’s been run through an ironing machine. [I think Materyllis might straighten her hair, but not Velvette, who has cumulus clouds of hair, and Janet, who has a fuzz cut.] Hey, Velvette and Janet and Susie and Materyllis! Realistic hair awaits….

The Dracula Research Centre…

The Dracula Research Centre… published on No Comments on The Dracula Research Centre…

The Dracula Research Centre has a collection of documents about Bram Stoker and the creation of Dracula, a huge bibliography about Dracula [and vampires in general, I think], not to mention the Journal of Dracula Studies online in RTF!!! What an exciting treasure trove! I’m going to hurry home, reading Tananarive Due’s The Living Blood [#2 in the African Immortals series, about a small society of seriously disturbed and arrogant immortal dudes who are very vampiric] along the way, working on LHF when I get home and doing more research. [Oh, I just learned that Blood Colony, #3 in the African Immortals series, comes out in June. Exciting!]

Nip/Tuck: Too smart to be stupid, too stupid to be smart

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Building on my previous comments about season 5 Nip/Tuck, here are some more observations. As the main characters, Greater Asshole [=Dr. Christian Troy, played by Julian McMahon] and Lesser Asshole [=Dr. Sean McNamara, played by Dylan Walsh], try to set up a new plastic surgery practice in Los Angeles, they become seduced by the entertainment industry. Lesser Asshole establishes a recurring role on Hearts And Scalpels, a medical drama show, while, in one episode, Greater Asshole convinces Lesser Asshole that there should be a reality show about their lives, Plastic Fantastic. In a clever development, much of the episode, called Damien Sands, consists of the pilot of Plastic Fantastic, complete with appropriate titles and interstitials.

Despite its obsession with the entertainment industry in this season, Nip/Tuck refuses to make the most interesting leap: for the characters to realize that their lives are just as soap-operatic as the shows they are involved in. Refusing to acknowledge the meta-melodrama inherent in the situation, Nip/Tuck plays the most stereotypical plot devices — in the last ep alone, an incestuous relationship is broken up; Julia wakes up from a coma with retrograde amnesia, and Sean gets stabbed in the back by his deranged ex-agent — seriously, with solemn music underneath them. I’m supposed to feel sympathy for these characters, but I can’t because I’m all too aware how cliched the plot developments are. Therefore I get a little bored with the proceedings. By ignoring the fact that it is a high-gloss SOAP OPERA, Nip/Tuck disservices itself.

Season 5 of Nip/Tuck: So delightfully trashy!

Season 5 of Nip/Tuck: So delightfully trashy! published on No Comments on Season 5 of Nip/Tuck: So delightfully trashy!

I refuse to go into plot details because it’s a classic soap opera, but suffice it to say that, with all its methheads, womanizers, opportunistic lesbians, sociopathic daughters and Weirdo Patients of the Week, Nip/Tuck season 5 proves an endless round of super-dramatic and increasingly silly plot twists anchored only by the high production values and the characters’ great exertions to put some emotional heft behind the endless corkscrews of obsession and betrayal. For the most part, the actors do succeed at making the outlandish stories actually believable, especially Julian McMahon, who, I am very pleased to report, exhibits a little more actorly skill here than he did in Charmed. He doesn’t have a great range, but he plays the asshole Christian pretty well. Hooray for potato chip TV — you can’t watch just one episode. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a more sex-obsessed, sex-driven set of characters in my viewing. Brainless, glossy, stereotypical, overdone and addictive.

After American Gothic come other shows.

After American Gothic come other shows. published on 1 Comment on After American Gothic come other shows.

I finished American Gothic with equal satisfaction and disappointment. My satisfaction came from Lucas’ masterfully done fake death and the neverending tension of the denouement between Lucas, Caleb and Merlyn. 

My disappointment lay in

the reduction of Gail, once an interesting, assertive character, into a witless walking womb who, for some reason, was in love [?!] with Lucas and became a temporary receptacle for his Sperm of Doom. Thus she fell victim to the Divine Screw trope. 

Additionally, Merlyn also suffered from devolution. She started off as a dull Pure Guardian Angel, then showed more ambivalence, texture and humanity when she borrowed an unborn baby’s soul in order to reincorporate and experience life again. After this, her increasingly violent and vengeful pursuit of Lucas — “an eye for an eye,” she said before trying to snap his neck in one ep — suggested less moral clarity and more moral greyness. Interestingly enough, she seemed as much in danger of abusing her powers and becoming like Lucas as Caleb was of becoming like Lucas. Then she reverted to her dull sacrificial state in the end and conveniently died.

After American Gothic, I have several options.

I’ve always wanted to see Nip/Tuck, and season 5 is on Hulu. I want to see if Julian McMahon can do a better job than he did in Charmed.

Roswell’s angle of powerful half-aliens living among us has intrigued me for a long time, since I’ve engaged in an epic on the same subject, so there’s season 1 of that on Hulu.

Select eps of Outer Limits, an hour-long attempt at a modern Twilight Zone, are also on Hulu.

Though I’ve already blasted New Amsterdam as boring, it’s still so bad that I can’t look away. Season 1 continues on Hulu.

Subversive Divine Screw redux in Tanith Lee’s Tales of the Flat Earth

Subversive Divine Screw redux in Tanith Lee’s Tales of the Flat Earth published on No Comments on Subversive Divine Screw redux in Tanith Lee’s Tales of the Flat Earth

Following up on my previous comments about the Divine Screw, I have an example of the reinvention of this theme in Tanith Lee’s sprawling series Tales of the Flat Eath [good plot summaries and overview here]. In one of the major, multi-book storylines, the male divine, Azhrarn, the Lord of Wickedness and most powerful of all the demons who are de facto rules of earth, gets his freak on with Dunizel, human priestess. Their daughter, Sovaz/Soveh/Ahzriaz, goes through a whole book, Delirium’s Mistress, searching for herself. She goes from Sleeping Beauty to death-dealing vigilante to despotic goddess queen to prisoner under the sea to wise innocent child to dueler with angels to mortal sage. She ends up, satisfyingly enough, bargaining with Death for a mortal life, which she receives.

Despite Lee’s active, overdetermining essentialism about sex roles [men=active, women=passive], the three players in her Divine Screw transcend the narrative limitations to become rich characters.

Azhrarn, despite being the personification of Wickedness and therefore selfish, sadistic, nonchalant, cruel, supercilious and generally nasty, nevertheless comes across as very human in his need for an audience [=humans to torture], his pride, his tenderness for those he loves, his great capacities for grief and desire for vengeance after Dunizel is stoned to death. 

Despite being a Glowing Symbol of Feminine Passivity and Receptivity, Dunizel comes across as intensely stubborn, almost obsessed in her devotion to Azhrarn, and her Griselda-like suffering, in which she eventually wins, can be seen as the novelistic version of the sub really calling the shots in a BDSM game. 

Finally, their daughter, who goes through a Tarot-card-like cycle of birth, death, rebirth and self-discovery, proves to be the richest and most interesting character. She achieves the full humanity and compassion that both her parents were attracted to, which they both yearned for, but could not attain because they were still somehow detached.


Azhrarn and Dunizel’s daughter, clearly at the point in her life when she was a beautiful, but cruel, goddess on earth, as taken from the back cover of the omnibus edition of Tales of the Flat Earth

Furthermore, Lee devotes time to the relationship between Azhrarn and Dunizel, in which she explores what I referred to earlier as “the balance between wonder and terror.” We see each of them aggressively seducing each other by being quintessentially themselves. Azhrarn is sadistic [turns into wolf, bites off Dunizel’s arm] and Dunizel is masochistic [falls in love with wolf, sacrifices self to him to save city], and they each find in the other someone who heightens and concentrates their very selves. Eventually Azhrarn cracks under Dunizel’s submission such that he becomes the sub and she becomes the domme. [In some of the best conversations, he tries to be broody and threatening as he says, “Look what you have reduced me to! I am lovelorn!” Meanwhile, she points out, “I don’t buy it. It’s CONSENSUAL enslavement.”] It’s all very kinky and a bit sick and not a little tainted with stupid yin/yang essentialism, but the point is that it works as a piece of psychological insight to explain the ambivalence between people and divines.

What I’m trying to say here is this: Lee’s use of the Divine Screw trope is unusual. The male Divine ain’t the center; instead, it’s the female human mother and the halfbreed daughter. In fact, the women are so central to Lee’s Divine Screw that the product thereof is a daughter, something inconceivable [hah!] in most versions of the tale. Moreover, Lee just doesn’t change the sex of the Child of the Penis of Doom. Lee actually pays attention to all parties, father, mother and child, and gives them their due. Women with subjectivity! How revolutionary.

The oldest vampire in Massachusetts

The oldest vampire in Massachusetts published on 4 Comments on The oldest vampire in Massachusetts

Ethan Stuart, leader of the Colos of Salem, is the LHF universe’s oldest vampire. He was in his 80s when he was vamped at the end of the 17th century, so there wasn’t much youth to preserve in the first place. He’s also wasting away, which explains his deliciously zombie-like condition [courtesy of the Mr. Happy package mentioned earlier]. Of course he looks exhausted and melancholy.

Review of Hex eps 1-6 and some notes about the Divine Screw

Review of Hex eps 1-6 and some notes about the Divine Screw published on 4 Comments on Review of Hex eps 1-6 and some notes about the Divine Screw

Having been American Gothicked out, I skipped over the pond to investigate the BBC’s Hex. The British show seasons are usually 6 to 8 eps, 1/3 the size of American show seasons, so I watched the first season, eps 1-6, before, as the reviews commented, the cast switched around and character development went out the window.

In season 1 of Hex, shy, artistic Cassie tries desperately to be popular, but wins the eye of no one except her snarky roommate Thelma, who has a huge crush on her, and Azazeal, a fallen angel and professional lurker. Both Thelma and Azazeal want to get into Cassie’s pants, so essentially season 1 forms a love triangle. Azazeal kills Thelma at the end of ep 1, turning her into the Dead Lesbian archetype, and it’s basically all downhill. Despite Thelma’s investigative work and devotion to freeing Cassie from Azazeal’s influence, Azazeal claims that Cassie is destined to have sex with him. Azazeal possesses Cassie in order to get in her pants. Cassie and Thelma try to get Cassie an abortion, but Azazeal possesses the doctor so that the baby ends up being born. Since a child by Azazeal and a human woman will let the rest of the fallen angels out of prison, the failed abortion is a very bad thing. Season 1 ends.

Unfortunately for Hex, love triangles only work if you have three points to connect — in other words, three compelling characters. Cassie and Thelma are lively personalities with great, energetic chemistry. Thelma especially gets all the quips and, as played with a comically expressive face by Jemima Rooper, lights up the screen whenever she’s on. As Cassie, Christina Cole strikes me as a second-grade copy of Keira Knightley: winsome in a slight, scrawny way, but mediocre in the talent department. Still, she works well with Rooper in the best parts of the show.

Michael Fassbender as Azazeal, however, dooms much of the enterprise. Partly I fault the script writers for this because he spends entirely too much time lurking in a criminal, yet extremely tedious, manner, watching Cassie. And partly I find fault with Fassbender, who apparently can’t register any of the emotions that a fallen angel might be feeling at finally returning to power. How about some excitement when he’s killing Thelma to restore his strength? Or some gloating arrogance when he says to Cassie that they are fated to have sex? Or some relish and triumph when they actually do screw? No, he just drifts in and out of the shadows with a bored, rather blank look on his face. Since he’s the main plot motor, his crashing dullness removes suspense and narrative urgency from the show, leaving it more atmospheric than truly engaging.

[In fact, the most insight into Azazeal’s character that we get is an impassioned speech against abortion that he makes to a bunch of people in a church. He says that people tell him about women’s rights, but he doesn’t think that anyone cares about the baby’s rights. He says that life begins at conception, “because that is when the soul is formed.” Well, it’s nice to know that this millennia-old demon is actually an uptight, narrow-minded, poisonously bigoted weirdo who would fit right in with those fundamentalist wackos who think abortion should be legal, but, when asked how much time a woman should serve for having an abortion, say, “Durrrrr,” and can’t answer the question.]

On a more thematic note, I have a huge objection to the Divine Screw narrative line, despite having co-created a decade-long saga predicated on just this exploitation. You know the story: Some all-powerful dipwad wants kids and decides to rape a human woman. The woman may resist, but the Penis of Doom cannot be stopped. The dipwad rapes the woman. She conceives a son, always a son — the Dipwad is convinced of it. The woman may try to abort the fetus or to kill herself, but her attempts avail nothing against the Son of Dipwad. The woman gives birth to Son of Dipwad, who inevitably takes after Dipwad Dad. The expendable woman, having served as an incubator, is pretty much abandoned by Dipwad, and who cares what happens to her next? All focus shifts to the glorious Son of the Penis of Doom, who naturally fulfills his destiny and destroys the world.

I object to the Divine Screw theme because it doesn’t care about the women. To this story line, they’re just temporary baby holders, nine-month pieds a terre for the Sons of the Penis of Doom before they pursue their inevitable conquest of the world. The Divine Screw theme does not interest itself in what it is like to be Divinely Screwed. It assumes that the result of the Divine Screw, the Son of the Penis of Doom, is the important part, the next chapter in the story.

Leda and the swan, a famous mythological rape, is referred to via Yeats’ poem in an ep of Hex.

Leda and the Swan, by an anonymous Renaissance painter

Without challenging the Divine Screw theme itself [some other time], I argue for the primacy of the women. Penises of Doom don’t reproduce asexually! They need sexual reproduction with women in order to have children. Women, however they react to the Divine Screw, constitute a necessary half of the story. In fact, to me, they’re the more interesting half. Penises of Doom and Sons of Dipwad have been around for millennia, stomping heroically all over the earth, but they’ve been making so much noise that you can’t hear the Mothers of the Children of Doom. 

You can’t hear them tell you what it’s like to be approached by the Divine. You can’t hear them tell you how they wrestled with angels, how, in their relations with the Divine, they took on divinity themselves. You can’t hear them tell you about the confusion and pain and power of being caught between the worlds of mortal power and those of supernatural unearthliness. You can’t hear them tell you about the fear and anxiety of knowing that they would have unusual children and perhaps the hope that the children would be, well, usual. You can’t hear them tell you about the harsh things their families and communities said to them and the harsh things they said to themselves…and the stories they ended up telling themselves to rationalize. You can’t hear them continue to live and find meaning in things, despite having been treated like shit and exploited. You can’t hear them wonder how in the world to raise their extraordinary children. You cannot hear their courage and perserverance, for it is not a warlike courage of Heraculean deeds, but an interior courage manifested in their continual striving to balance wonder and terror.

Great show, but…

Great show, but… published on 2 Comments on Great show, but…

If you want to see a show driven by the power of all-around masterful performances married to a strong, character-driven storyline, check out American Gothic, now available at Hulu. It is an ensemble story of sweet Southern corruption in which forces both good and evil fight for control of a young boy’s soul.

On the good side there’s recent Yankee transplant Matt Crower, played with quiet self-possession by Jake Weber, who is such a dry and gentle character in Medium, haunted by his wife and child’s death in a DWI accident he caused. There’s also Gail Emory, investigative reporter, played by Paige Turco with brooding dignity reminiscent of Yancy Butler at her best, returning to town to look into her parents’ suspicious deaths 20 years ago. The boy himself, Caleb, is played by 10-year-old Lucas Black in a startingly intense performance [I love those little, low, dark eyebrows!] that’s pretty realistic for a TV depiction of a 10-year-old boy.

On the evil side there’s schoolteacher Serena Coombes, played with sexy, slimy relish by Brenda Bakke. And there’s Lucas Buck, played by Gary Cole, who is my latest favorite actor. I first noticed him as the Boss From Hell in Office Space, Lumberg, but here, in the starring role, he really gets to show how hellish he can be. As the classic devil, Buck’s character operates on fear, doing good things for people, then asking them to pay him back, or else they meet gory demises. He also has an unnerving habit of popping up whenever someone is thinking about disobeying him. He creates a black hole of influence that it seems impossible to escape from.

The cheesy special effects and fast-motion weather hammer this point home, but Cole’s eternally genial front really makes the character work. Even when he’s threatening you, Buck does so in a gentlemanly way, which makes his cruelty even more effective and insidious. Cole plays Buck with a certain broadness that comes from his comedic experience, but he also projects such charisma and power that Buck always remains a magnetic and menacing presence. It’s a magnificent performance.

Not a perfect show, by any means, American Gothic suffers from a dearth of fully fleshed female characters. While all of the male characters have multiple dimensions, the women remain kinda flat. Gail’s the Plucky Gumshoe archetype, and Merlyn, Caleb’s dead sister, is the Pure Moral Compass archetype. Tertiary characters are also problematic. In Damned If You Don’t, for example, Carter Bowen and family do a favor for Sheriff Buck, which entails letting an escaped con into their house. Said con goes after 15-year-old Poppy Bowen. Wife Etta Bowen ends up dead. I strongly objected to the way that Poppy was portrayed not by the con, but by the SHOW itself, as a Lolita-licious sex object.

For example, she was shown performing suggestive oral maneuvers on a Popsicle while squeezed into a porch swing with the con. The way in which this scene was shot suggested that Poppy was doing a preview blowjob on some food in an attempt to seduce the con.


Camera lingers in slow-mo here on Popsicle held by ex-con.

For another example, camera panned from her feet, up her legs, to her chest and head as she slowly entered the swimming hole, objectifying her in a way that, say, Gail is never objectified.


You should see how interested the camera gets when she starts hiking up her dress so she doesn’t get it wet.

In the end of the ep, it is revealed that it’s Etta that the con is after. So the pornographication of Poppy was…what? A red herring? As far as I’m concerned, it was gratuitous and deeply disturbing because everyone was out to objectify her, from Buck, who wanted to give her a job in his office and “take her under his wing,” to the con, who was feeling her up, to the very camera angles themselves. Despite obviously having sexual exploitation as its theme, the ep refused to examine the subject and instead just cranked up Poppy’s sexiness, thus making the viewer complicit in Buck and the con’s attacks on Poppy. No irony or commentary here either — we’re just expected to agree that Poppy is a hot little slut who brought misfortune to the family by being too damn sexy.

I have a crush on a walking corpse.

I have a crush on a walking corpse. published on No Comments on I have a crush on a walking corpse.

Mr. Happy, as sold at Renderosity, is a modification of an adult male digital model from robust and bland-looking to zombie-riffic. Morphs [sculpting mods] are included to make the model look that scrawny, as well as textures [skin] to make him appear rotten. Highly detailed and obviosuly crafted with love and a sense of humor, this package is an exquisite work of art…and this accolade is coming from someone who usually thinks that zombies are dull and uninteresting.

I keep making versions of Ethan Stuart, LHF’s oldest vampire [at almost 400 years], with versions of the zombie morphs supplied with V4 Creature Creator, but I don’t like the prospect of a V4-based vampire as much as I like the prospect of an M3-based, Mr. Happy vampire.

Bionic Woman is bionically boring.

Bionic Woman is bionically boring. published on No Comments on Bionic Woman is bionically boring.

NBC tries so hard to pump up interest in the pilot of Bionic Woman [redux], but its sluggish script, murky plot, dank sets, Keanu-Reeves-worthy “acting” [i.e., standing there like a piece of lumber], plethora of unidentified characters and lack of chemistry between anyone except for Jamie Sommers and Sarah Corvus [who keep eye-fucking each other every time they meet] kill it. You can watch past eps here, but why would you want to? Well, I suppose they’re a good cure for insomnia. How can such a fertile concept of bioethics, body modification, the construction of disability and “freakdom,” infiltration of the military into civilian life and the technological disenfranchisement of women end up so damn DULL in execution?

Barska binoculars puts “the ‘king’ back in ‘stalking.'”

Barska binoculars puts “the ‘king’ back in ‘stalking.'” published on No Comments on Barska binoculars puts “the ‘king’ back in ‘stalking.'”

The two ads for Barska binoculars are part of a print trio that trivializes stalking. From Ads of the World, as noticed by Shakesville. To compound the creepiness, the supposedly female stalker is actually a guy in drag [note Adam’s apple], a move that adds extra layers of dismissal and degradation. While some commenters opine that the series is creepy [see Shakesville comments], sexist and stupid, the majority seem to think it is funny [see Ads of the World comments or that it deserves “kudos.” No, it doesn’t.

Learn how to take care of the elderly with a life-sized silicone doll thereof.

Learn how to take care of the elderly with a life-sized silicone doll thereof. published on No Comments on Learn how to take care of the elderly with a life-sized silicone doll thereof.

Over on wtf_japan, I discovered a beautiful life-sized doll of an elderly woman, apparently designed to help personal care attendants practice caring activities for elderly people. She’s beautiful! She looks like she is going to tell you stories. Go here for translations, in case you couldn’t get the gist from the pictures.

Epona, 1:6 satyr girl custom, hangs out among greenery.

Epona, 1:6 satyr girl custom, hangs out among greenery. published on 3 Comments on Epona, 1:6 satyr girl custom, hangs out among greenery.

Back in January, I mentioned that I was getting a custom 1:6 fig from Twigling. Horsegirl eventually arrived, but I didn’t get around to taking pictures of her until today when I brought her to doll club. Everyone admired her sculpting and her digitigrade legs. As she traveled to and from Burlington in my tote bag, some of her paint chipped, so I’ll have to bundle her more carefully if she goes out again. See her hanging out among the potted plants below. I named her Epona, the Roman goddess of horses!

I always knew McDonald’s hamburgers tasted like crap, but…

I always knew McDonald’s hamburgers tasted like crap, but… published on 2 Comments on I always knew McDonald’s hamburgers tasted like crap, but…

…I never thought I’d see them copping to it in an ad of theirs. Can you guess what the ad below [by Haye and Partner, Unterhaching, Germany, ganked from Ad Goodness] is selling? Frankly, my first guess was “shit sandwiches.” Fossilized sandwiches? Coprolite sandwiches? Answer below ad.

Apparently it’s supposed to be selling McDonald’s coffee. Apparently that crap-colored object is supposed to be a coffee bean with an identity crisis. Could have fooled me. Usually ads fail for me because I’m distracted by their sociological implications. Very rarely do I just fail to understand what the heck is going on, on a very basic level, in an ad.

Damnata the zombie voodoo Argus rag doll thinks you are full of shit.

Damnata the zombie voodoo Argus rag doll thinks you are full of shit. published on 1 Comment on Damnata the zombie voodoo Argus rag doll thinks you are full of shit.

Also her hair is watching you. Made using texture and clothes from this set, Dulari for V3, spikes from some freebie fetish wear and a morph from my own doll-addled imagination, Damnata the zombie voodoo Argus rag doll will eventually appear as one of Will’s dolls in season 3 of LHF. Picture below. Filed under “therianthropes” because she just seems weird. Don’t you want a doll of her??? Her pale canvas skin, heavily stitched up, gave me nightmares all last night.

Petite Mort: The mortality drug for vampires [with nasty side effects]

Petite Mort: The mortality drug for vampires [with nasty side effects] published on No Comments on Petite Mort: The mortality drug for vampires [with nasty side effects]

Thinking the of ep of Moonlight in which vampires were pretending to be human [The Mortal Cure] and its inverse, B.C. [summarized here, in which humans take drugs to feel vampiric], I got to wondering… What if there was a synthetic drug for modern American vampires [as opposed to the many other kinds running around in my universe] that simulated the effects of being human: i.e., reduced strength and speed, reduced sensorium, reduced immune system, tolerance for daylight, garlic and major religious symbols? 

I see it now. The drug, called Petite Mort [Little Death], recreates the physical experience of being human without the sensual cues. Normally, vampires are less sensitive to pain and fatigue because they have a higher level of stamina and endurance than mortals. Petite Mort would make them more susceptible to damage without making them more sensitive to it. The drugged vampires’ senses remain vampiric, but their bodies suffer in a mortal manner without their nervous systems registering the damage.

Basically, vampires on Petite Mort are like mortals with Riley-Day Syndrome, a genetic disorder in which one of the most salient and dangerous symptoms is an inability to feel external pain. Without the cues of pain, persons with Riley-Day Syndrome experience injury and do not notice. For example, Ashlyn Blocker, a 5-year-old with the disorder, has burned herself and knocked out both child and adult teeth. She also experienced a scratch to a cornea that, I believe, reduced her vision in the affected eye. In the same manner, vampires on Petite Mort do not have human levels of pain/self-preservation, so they can give themselves fatal injuries rapidly. Furthermore, vampires on Petite Mort often overestimate their capacities and attempt to do things that would require vampiric strength, agility or resiliency.  The lack of nervous system feedback leads the drug users to overextend themselves and hurt themselves.

Also dangerous is the fact that Petite Mort makes users lose their taste for blood. They don’t want to drink blood; they want to eat human food. If they use Petite Mort regularly, they may forget to drink blood, which they must, in order to survive [because they’re still vampires]. Thus Petit Mort can lead users to starve to death.

As if these problems weren’t enough, Petite Mort has especially risky side effects those who have been vampires for longer than 10 or so years. When using Petite Mort, vampires who have been dead for greater than 10 years return their immune systems to the eras in which they died. Petite Mort does not reactivate chronic or terminal conditions [i.e., Will would not resume his asthma, nor Mark his AIDS], but it does give vampire users the immune systems that they had when human at the times of their death. Therefore, vampires who use Petite Mort are vulnerable to any new diseases that have developed since they were vamped.

So, to recap, Petite Mort lets you go out in direct sunlight and eat garlic. As a tradeoff, you’re likely to disable or kill yourself indavertently due to a decreased ability to feel pain…or starve to death…or die because of something that you weren’t vaccinated against because you were vamped before the disease developed. Sounds attractive to me! Actually, it sounds like a good way to kill vampires: drug ’em and let ’em self-destruct.

Bring me the head of the Disco King: Shameful pleasures of the Underworld soundtrack

Bring me the head of the Disco King: Shameful pleasures of the Underworld soundtrack published on 4 Comments on Bring me the head of the Disco King: Shameful pleasures of the Underworld soundtrack

As a movie, Underworld did not interest me, despite the presence of vampires, werewolves, Bill Nighy and lots of corsetry. In fact, it punished my senses, so I turned it off, bored, halfway through. I do, however, enjoy the soundtrack. In fact, I play it regularly when working on LHF. It reminds me of the sort of music that vampires would play ironically.

Listening to the soundtrack for the first Underworld is a schizophrenic experience. On one hand, the listing boasts some of the most beautiful and haunting pieces of melancholia ever to cross my ears, such as the Loner Mix of David Bowie’s Disco King, in which his light, fatigued voice adds textures of regret and longing to a song that’s already creepy. I also really like Suicide Note by Johnette Napolitano, in which the singer expresses her impotent sadness at a friend’s self-destruction: “I wanted to believe / You would win / The war in your head / That I did not understand.” I also just love Awakening by the Damning Well, especially for its pounding bass line and the lyric “I realize that I miss being human.”

At the same time, the disc also holds a crapload of sheer turds. Lisa Germano’s From A Shell features the hilarious and inane repetition of “It’s the buzz,” which really adds nothing to the song. I’m not sure whether Puscifer is purposely going over the top in Rev 22:20 [“Jesus is risen / It’s no surprise / Even he would martyr his mama / To ride to hell between those thighs” = boring], but I like to think that they are, which makes their blatantly obvious use of religious terms a bit more forgivable. Meanwhile, Judith by A Perfect Circle, despite being eminently singable [unlike much of the stuff on this CD], makes my ears bleed by singing, “Fuck your god!” and not doing anything with the sentiment except for flogging it to death and back. Fuck your song, Perfect Circle. I’m not even mentioning the songs that are so bad that I deleted them from my hard drive so I’d never have to hear them again.

Incidentally, it’s been about two years since the appearance of Underworld: Evolution. The third movie should be lurching forth soon enough so that we may drive a stake through its heart and a silver bullet through its eye, thus killing the cumbersome franchise dead for good.

I need to get the Crow movie soundtrack [I think]. Maybe I should watch the Crow original movie too…

The aesthetic of Pushing Daisies

The aesthetic of Pushing Daisies published on 1 Comment on The aesthetic of Pushing Daisies

Pushing Daisies is still blooming. I still enjoy it for all the reasons that I enumerated in my first review. I also enjoy it because of its aesthetic choices. The show characterizes its personalities with the use of extremes. For example, Emerson the PI just doesn’t enjoy knitting; he carries knitting needles everywhere, lines his desk drawers with self-knitted socks and ogles knitting pop-up books. Olive the waiter just doesn’t have a mild penchant for paisley; she has an entire house decorated in it, from wallpaper to rug to upholstery. The use of bright, obvious extremity telegraphs information about personalities definitively, quickly and humorously. I am trying to pursue such a stylized means of character development in some parts of LHF, so I watch Pushing Daisies’ use of exaggeration with interest.

Which came first, Carnival of Souls or The Hitch Hiker ep of The Twilight Zone?

Which came first, Carnival of Souls or The Hitch Hiker ep of The Twilight Zone? published on 1 Comment on Which came first, Carnival of Souls or The Hitch Hiker ep of The Twilight Zone?

Seasons 1 and 2 of The Twilight Zone, one of my all-time faves, are available for streaming online with commercials. YAY FREE TWILIGHT ZONE!!!

Therefore I have been indulging in the classics as I work. I just finished The Hitch Hiker [season 1, ep 16]. First shown in 1960, it predates one of my favorite B flicks, Carnival of Souls, which I originally recognized as very Twilight Zone-like because it rips off the plot of The Hitch Hiker, in which a woman has a car accident. She is then haunted by a mysterious figure until she realizes that she actually died in the car accident and the figure is coming to claim her soul. Padded by redundant interior monolog, the Twilight Zone version eschews the subtlety and character development of Carnival of Souls in favor of one cheap thrill. Needless to say, I like Carnival of Souls much better, even though it’s not original.

In related Twilight Zone news, I just found twilightzone.org, a Web site that covers not just ep summaries, but the various revivals and spin-offs, a bio of Rod “Sentence Fragment” Serling himself and a thematic ep finder. 

Vampires aren’t heroes.

Vampires aren’t heroes. published on No Comments on Vampires aren’t heroes.

Moonlight never fails to piss me off, yet I keep watching. Today’s current source of annoyance, as I listen to grainy videos on fanpop.com, is El Doofus Grande Mick’s job and motivations.

In the intro to each ep, he is often shown saying, “I want to help people. That’s why I became a private investigator.” You know, off the top of my head, that is not the first job that I think of as a helping profession. If I wanted to help people, I would become a nurse, an EMT, a counselor, a firefighter, an elementary school teacher, a martial arts instructor, anything but a private dick. But no, none of these jobs is flamboyant and action-packed enough for a TV show [although I think there’s an awesome concept here for a show about vampires on an ambulance crew]. These jobs are quieter, not as explosive; they deal more with the internal workings of human beings, which TV shows don’t like to examine, unless the internal workings are splattered all over the ground.

Why, why, WHY is there such a spate of TV shows about vampires with sexy detective jobs [Forever Knight, Angel, Moonlight, New Amsterdam]? It’s as if being the walking dead equates to a high-profile, fast-paced job full of thrills, chills and spills. Frankly, I think that’s unrealistic. Your average vampire would probably be living a rather discreet life [the better to slip through time without aging] and would be more likely to have committed crimes [breaking into blood banks, robbing for money rather than holding down a job, assaulting for food] than to be catching criminals. You know, a pretty unassuming person doing some secret bad things. For example, the high points of some of the LHF characters’ days run as follows:

Will gets a spate of new porn subscribers.

Anneka sorts through cartons of donations and finds an exciting, valuable book.

Rori invents a new bestselling drink at the Nightcrawler.

Mark auctions off a big-ticket book and can afford a vacation.

Pippilotta talks someone out of committing suicide on the hotline.

Sibley closes [yet another] lucrative real estate deal.

And, in the closest thing to private investigating that LHF comes, Chow patrols while on neighborhood watch, sees a suspicious person and calls the police.

Of course, that doesn’t make for good TV.

That’s an interesting anti-vampiric plot device.

That’s an interesting anti-vampiric plot device. published on No Comments on That’s an interesting anti-vampiric plot device.

Over on Moonlight, previously mentioned here, season 1, ep. 12, The Mortal Cure, summarized here,  El Doofus Grande, Mick, learns about a temporary antidote to vampirism. Developed during the French Revolution [?!], this herbal compound temporarily makes a vampire mortal if absorbed through an open wound. That’s a neat plot device: temporary mortality. Too bad I didn’t think of it.

Overall, Moonlight alternates between pissing me off and entertaining me. The overdetermined and shallow narration adds nothing and detracts a lot from the story. The characters aren’t particularly deep. At the same time, the creators seem to have invested actual brainpower into vampires not only as supernaturals, but also as members of a subculture with its own hierarchy and rules.

Anneka does a meme.

Anneka does a meme. published on No Comments on Anneka does a meme.

…which I got from armeleia.
I am obviously my parents’ child.
I arrange my books according to Library of Congress catalog order.

I can beat you at Fictionary.
I can’t understand why anyone would run for enjoyment.
I collect merpeople.
I continue trying to figure out what the fuck to do with my death.
I could write the Great American Novel if I had a good enough idea.
I couldn’t eat garlic unless I wanted to go up in hives.
I don’t believe in natural hair colors.
I doubt the existence of God.
I dream about a fulfilling job.
I drink blood, unfortunately.
I fear my parents finding out.
I feel kind of aimless right now.
I grok Baudelaire.
I hate sexist assholes…also Alzheimer’s.
I have too many books.
I haven’t ever hit anyone.
I hear people’s blood pumping in their veins as they walk by.
I hide the fact that I’m dead.
I like submissive boys and girls.
I listen to the Beatles.
I long to be alive.
I love my grandma!!
I might move back up to Vermont some day.
I misuse air quotes.
I plan to finish the novel some day [really!].
I prefer people who look kind of like David Bowie.
I see in the dark.
I should probably look for another job.
I sleep during the day.
I smell a lot more acutely, now that I’m dead, and boy do most people stink.
I take lollipops from banks when no one’s looking [except the security cameras].
I taste peppermint in the flowing of the wind.
I think way too much.
I use words like weapons.
I want happiness.
I watch the girls go by dressed in their summer clothes; I have to turn my head until my darkness goes.
I will make myself happy somehow.
I write silly lists.

Raines: Seriously out to kick stereotypes’ asses

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Raines, a series tragically canceled too soon, features the titular homicide detective, whose hook is that he imagines the victims whose cases he pursues. His evolving conceptions of them literalize his deductive process as he figures out their stories. For example, in Meet Juan Doe, the dead man starts off as a rotten corpse, but resembles a living human being as soon as Raines finds a driver’s license and photo. In the end, it’s always shown that Raines’ ability to psychologize the victims and picture them as complete people, rather than dead bodies, helps him to solve the crimes and understand himself a bit more. Solid acting, dry humor, thoughtful show. Entire run can be watched on Hulu. [Filed under “vampires” because people come back from the dead.]

I really like Raines for a few reasons. 1) Because I talk to myself [and frequently talk back], any show with a character who does the same interests me, especially if the show portrays him as unusual, but also imaginative, intuitive and successful because of this trait. Raines frequently worries that he’s going crazy, and everyone agrees that he’s mentally disturbed, but they don’t automatically demonize the way he talks to people in his head.

Incidentally, the show nails perfectly the ways in which seemingly independent imaginary characters talk to their creators. Raines’ characters appear and disappear easily, changing clothes and hairstyle as quickly as a thought. Their forcefulness distracts him, not because he’s literally hearing them [hallucinating], but because he’s imagining so hard that he tunes out the outside world. The characters don’t know any factual information that Raines doesn’t know; at the same time, they often make astute observations about emotions or motivations that Raines has a hard time grasping himself. They’re very Trickster-like.

2) In a manner unusual for a cop show, Raines focuses on the victims and gives them a voice. While many cop shows are about the mechanics of solving crimes [examples: any Law & Order, Bones, etc.], Raines is about as character-driven as a cop show can be. Most of the action occurs in Raines’ head, and it consists of his perceptions changing about the victims as he learns more about them. While Raines seeks to learn how the victims were murdered, the show seems just as interested in why. With most cop shows, the victim’s body is the beginning of the case investigation and the true meat of the show. With Raines, the victim’s body represents the end of a life which the show seeks to delve into and reconstruct.

3) To the end of reconstructing lives, Raines enjoys subverting stereotypes. Again, in the example of Meet Juan Doe, Juan at first appears to be an illegal Mexican immigrant out to take the life of an anti-immigration city councilman who came to LA illegally himself. Turns out that Juan was coming to see his dad, the councilman, to show him his daughter-in-law and grandson. The councilman shot his son, thinking his son was an assassin. In the pilot, prostitute Sandy Boundreau is earning money to help her mom leave her abusive husband; plus she refuses to play along with a wife to entrap a husband into supposedly cheating. By refusing to accept that characters are as cliched and evil as they may initially appear, the show argues for optimism and, surprisingly for a cop show, a view of human nature as good.

Sex sells vacuum cleaners?

Sex sells vacuum cleaners? published on 1 Comment on Sex sells vacuum cleaners?

Subject: Vacuum cleaner ad below, ganked from Inventorspot. Sorry…I don’t have a larger version, and the only context that I have is that it’s an ad for a German appliance. Too good to pass up, though.

Topics of discussion: “sex sells,” objectification, gender roles, mainstream commodification of BDSM subculture, differences between advertising norms in different countries.

Ready, set, discuss!!

Alfred Hitchcock Presents = The Twilight Zone of Psychology

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Hulu has the entire run of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, 2 seasons of 30-minute “playlets” that compare favorably to one of my favorite shows, The Twilight Zone, only with all the thrills, chills and twists coming from psychological exploration, rather than science-fiction and fantasy elements. 

For example, the pilot, Revenge, features a man performing a vigilante beat-down on the man in the grey suit who supposedly assaulted his mentally disturbed wife. After he brains the guy with a wrench, the man and his wife are driving along in the car when his wife identifies another man as her assailant, leaving her husband with the OH SHIT!!! realization that his wife’s attacker lives inside her head, rather than outside. This suggestive study of creeping delusions is made all the more disturbing by Vera Myles’ profoundly monotone, numb performance as a woman who has overdosed on pain.

Since I love TV treatments of dolls, I especially like And So Died Riabouchinska. It stars Claude Rains as a ventriloquist suspected of murdering a juggler who used to perform with him. Matters are complicated by his obsessive love for his dummy Riabouchinska and Riabouchinska’s irrepressible honesty as evidence mounts against her owner. In a Twilight Zone ep, the doll would be some magical spirit of righteous truth-telling, but, in Alfred Hitchcock Presents, it’s very obvious that the ventriloquist is talking for her; you can see his lips moving slightly when he’s especially perturbed. I actually find the Alfred Hitchcock Presents treatment of out-of-control dolls much more horrifying and heartbreaking. Riabouchinska represents the best qualities in the ventriloquist — his honesty, devotion and creativity — but, by externalizing them in an idol-like figure, the ventriloquist divorces himself from his strengths, as if he has cut out his moral compass. In the end, when Riabouchinska dies [that wasn’t a spoiler because it says she dies in the title], her silence becomes the tragic marker of a man who, in dividing himself in two, ended up breaking himself. Pretty awesome. 

Rains’ performance really sells this one; it’s clear that the ventriloquist obviously has SERIOUS problems, but Rains plays his passion for Riabouchinska and his alarm at Riabouchinska’s truth-telling in a rather understated way, as if the ventriloquist is reacting to another person [not a dummy]. Rains’ naturalistic style makes his character’s mind transparent enough for the viewers to feel sympathy toward him, even if we don’t understand why he is so attached to Riabouchinska.

In passing, I must say that the prop masters outdid themselves with Riabouchinska. I’ve gone my entire life hating all ventriloquist dummies because of their huge lower jaws and spinning, scrawny necks. I don’t think I’ve ever conceived of a ventriloquist dummy that was anything but a comic punching bag. But Riabouchinska, who recalls more of a figurehead or even the arch, aerodynamic features of a first-edition Barbie, successfully differentiates herself from punching bag dummies. With less caricatured and more realistic features and movements, she has the beautiful but uncanny stylization of a BJD. I kind of want a Riabouchinska-like ventriloquist dummy, especially because her eyes open and close. Plus her mouth moves!!

The Crow: Stairway to Heaven, or, What does an avenger do after avenging?

The Crow: Stairway to Heaven, or, What does an avenger do after avenging? published on 1 Comment on The Crow: Stairway to Heaven, or, What does an avenger do after avenging?

To capitalize on the great success of best-selling comic book The Crow a movie came out in 1994, followed by a bunch of subpar sequels and one season of a TV show, the subject of this review. The Crow: Stairway to Heaven follows the same general plot of the comic book, with Draven returning to avenge his and his girlfriend’s death. After the show burns through this major plotline in the first two eps, it has no idea what to do with the angst-ridden avenger. I mean, if he’s “put things right,” as was his assignment, why is he continuing to hang around? DVD Verdict sums it up:

It’s clear that the creators of the series didn’t have a long-range plan for the show. The first two episodes cover the basic plot of the film, and then the series settles into a “freak of the week” groove, as Eric takes care of a new baddie in each episode.

Having never read or seen anything else of The Crow, I have to say that there’s an interesting idea buried in the series. The Crow supposedly comes back to “set things right,” which he interprets as killing his killers. At the same time, besides supernatural butt-kicking skills, he also has the much more fascinating power of reading emotions and memories from his surroundings and transferring these to other people, as when he sends all Jenko’s victims’ pain back on Jenko: “All their pain, all at once, all for you.” 

This is truly cool, as it explores the tension in the Crow’s nature. Killed because of violence, brought back because of violence and adept at dealing violence, he nevertheless illustrates all that is detrimental about violent solutions. Furthermore, in his painful power of empathy, the Crow illustrates an alternative means of dealing with suffering: putting the criminals in the mindsets of their victims.

In summary, The Crow: Stairway to Heaven represents a host of missed opportunities, further dragged down by thoroughly mediocre acting [with the exception of Katie Stuart as Sarah Mohr, a grungy skater girl who somehow is friends with the Crow] and too many electric guitars. [Filed under “vampires” because the Crow is undead, indestructible, funereal and out for blood.]

Anti sexual abuse PSA

Anti sexual abuse PSA published on 1 Comment on Anti sexual abuse PSA

Dunkelziffer creates a viscerally effective PSA about the importance of helping kids who experience sexual abuse. A slithering arm/penis thing, covered with hair and moles, appears at various points in a woman’s life, leaving only when she’s dead. Ad accurately transmits the deep disturbance and revulsion that survivors of abuse can feel in almost any situation, as well as the feelings of disgust, invasion and violation. Also great use of the arm/penis thing to depict how the abuse seems to take on a life of its own. One and a half minutes of pathos and horror.

Moonlight: Actually sort of…good…

Moonlight: Actually sort of…good… published on No Comments on Moonlight: Actually sort of…good…

I checked out ep 2 of season 1 of Moonlight this morning. After having previously slagged it as “treading in a well-worn path” and then later as a “tortured cliche,” I am pleasantly surprised to find out that, despite being derivative and unoriginal, it’s still solid. Writing’s not particularly tight or quippy, and the crime plots are about as sophisticated as an ep of Witchblade, but there are a few glimmers of hope. 

1. The angstball vampire Mick has a snarkball friend played by Jason Dohring, who is so good at playing snarkballs, as we have seen with his role as Logan in Veronica Mars. The snarkball balances out the angstball.

2. There appears to be a sense of humor burbling somewhere in the show’s veins. When Mick flashed back to the 1980s when he was killing cavalierly, Duran Duran’s Hungry Like The Wolf played in pitch-perfect counterpoint.

3. Unlike Angel, who just sat around looking so unexpressive that I couldn’t believe he was suffering, Mick actually has a moment in which he communicates his shame clearly. After being shot by silver bullets [poisonous to vampires in this universe], he crawls back to his pad and slurps desperately at a blood bag [which has an obvious congruence with a baby bottle, thus underlining his vulnerability in this scene]. While he’s pushing fluids, suspicious reporter/mortal love interest comes by. Gasping in pain and hunger, Mick says, “Please don’t look at me.” He just sounded really wretched at that moment, which I appreciated. I like characters in states of humiliation.

Unfortunately, there is no place online to view past eps beside those illegally posted in segments [of crappy quality] on Daily Motion. The AOHell links don’t work, and I am sad about that.

Immortality is interesting, but not in New Amsterdam.

Immortality is interesting, but not in New Amsterdam. published on 1 Comment on Immortality is interesting, but not in New Amsterdam.

I checked out the pilot of New Amsterdam just now. It concerns a 400-year-old immortal homicide detective who will die only when he finds his soulmate. Derivative but potentially interesting, right? Wrong. The actors have no chemistry or interest in their parts; the mysteries have no originality; the “quips” are stupid and bloodless, and the main character is incredibly dull for someone who supposedly has a death wish. I think he’s supposed to be a lonely, suffering character, but he doesn’t seem either lonely or suffering. He just seems bored, detached and incapable of human connection, living because that’s all he knows how to do. Kill it! [Filed under “vampires” because it addresses immortality…BADLY.]

Oh look — some eps of Moonlight on AOHell TV…

Bones, a show in which David Boreanaz shows acting skillz

Bones, a show in which David Boreanaz shows acting skillz published on No Comments on Bones, a show in which David Boreanaz shows acting skillz

I burned through a few eps of Bones this afternoon, observing with glee the sparring between forensic anthropologist/socially inept nerd Temperance Brennan and her extroverted, severely annoying partner Seeley Booth. Their humorous, semi-antagonistic relationship drives the series, often highlighted by the B stories among the energetic and amusing secondaries at the forensics lab. Engaging characters, solid plotlines, moderate suspense and realistic gore make for a pretty good show. It’s kind of like Law and Order with more character development and tongue in cheek.

Gory deaths can be hilarious: the unintentional comedy of 30 Days of Night: Blood Trails

Gory deaths can be hilarious: the unintentional comedy of 30 Days of Night: Blood Trails published on No Comments on Gory deaths can be hilarious: the unintentional comedy of 30 Days of Night: Blood Trails

So I checked in to Hulu to watch 30 Days of Night: Blood Trails, previously mentioned here. Instead of being a full TV miniseries, it was actually a collection of mini-eps, 3 to 5 minutes in length, that were originally posted on a Web site. It was something about a frenetic weirdo wearing a knit hat, despite the fact that he was in New Orleans, trying to pay back money he didn’t have and bring information to his friend who communicated online with someone who was a prostitute, and his girlfriend was tweaking out from lack of drugs, and some vampire researcher’s office got completely trashed, and, oh yeah, somehow we managed to wedge about 2 gruesome demises and 3 vampire sightings in per ep.

So, to recap, there was entirely too much plot, running around pointlessly, jump-cutting, cross-twitching and camera jerking, not to mention the fact that everyone screamed like whistling tea kettles, which was most annoying. I think the vampires were killing people just so they would shut up. There was a pretty awesome scene around mini-ep 3, in which Frenetic Weirdo and Tweaker Girl were hiding in a closet, watching through the slats as the vampire slowly lurked toward them. The soundtrack finally shut up for a moment during this brief interlude so that we could hear F.W. and T.G. whimpering and panting and thereby highlighting their vulnerable mortality and the fact that they weren’t hiding very well from something with a supernatural sense of smell and hearing. But, then, of course, the moment was broken, and the vampire attacked, and red Kool-Aid started flying everywhere.

I think that the miniseries was supposed to be scary and shocking — or at the very least startling — but it was pretty funny, from the moment F.W. accosts a police officer, flailing wildly and blithering, “We intercepted a message from them on the Internet!” Yeah, like that’s really gonna enhance your credibility, you blood-slathered, mouth-breathing slob. It was also funny was some drug dealer gave F.W. a swirlie…and when his friend the computer nerd drew his obligatory Sword of Repressed LARPing Computer Nerds to defend himself, but failed…and also when C.N. turned into a vampire and his intestines fell out as he lurched toward F.W. and T.G.

2,475 gallons of red food coloring bravely sacrificed themselves for this series. Let us have a moment of silence for them. They shall gush no more forever. They have gone to the Big Fake Blood Packet in the sky.

On the plus side, this is EXACTLY the sort of thing Pippilotta loves to watch. I can picture her hunched over the monitor avidly. She alternates between flinching away in disgust whenever the red Kool-Aid goes flying and then looking through her fingers and yelling advice to the characters on the screen. [“NO YOU MORON DON’T GO NEAR HER SHE’S A FREAKIN’ VAMPIRE AND SHE’LL TRY TO RIP YOUR THROAT OUT! Why are people in horror movies so damned stupid?? By the way, that’s NOT what a gushing carotid artery looks like! Who ARE your SFX consultants anyway?”] 

P.S. I think I spent longer writing this blistering review than I did actually watching the mini-eps.

Interview with the Vampire: The real screenplay, by me

Interview with the Vampire: The real screenplay, by me published on 2 Comments on Interview with the Vampire: The real screenplay, by me

Neil Jordan, director of Interview with the Vampire, introduces the film on the DVD by saying that the characters are “the saddest vampires you’ll ever see.”  I think he meant to say that the vampires were UNHAPPY, but I cracked up because they’re actually the most PATHETIC and RIDICULOUS vampires I’ve ever seen. Needless to say, I enjoyed the movie a lot more than I enjoyed Bram Stoker’s Dracula [a.k.a. Coppola’s Love Fest of Heaving Bosoms and Red Water]. Here is the real screenplay:

Anne Rice: I’m going to write a screenplay that’s so faithful to my book that it recreates every tortured sigh and piece of unbelievable, melodramatic dialog. Yet, somehow, in spite of my involvement, the movie won’t be even half bad.

Brad Pitt as Louis: Hooray, I’m a vampire! [kill kill kill kill, slurp slurp slurp slurp] O woe, I am a vampire. I must atone for my bloodlust by walking in picturesque mopiness through the rainy night as my preternaturally lush hair swings fetchingly across my back. Hooray, I’m a vampire! O woe, I’m a vampire! [repeats cycle ad nauseam for entire movie] Also, please stare at my petulant, comely mouth and ignore the fact that a) I’m entirely too plump and robust to make a convincing corpse and b) my acting consists of stupid fixed stares.

Tom Cruise as Lestat: Put up or shut up, bitch boy. [kill kill slurp slurp orgasm orgasm] Being evil is fun, especially when you’re super strong, super sexy and at least somewhat talented, which is more than I can say for you. Notice how, when I leave the screen, the audience falls asleep? That’s YOUR doing, Braddy.

Audience: Wow, he’s actually…sort of…good in this role. He looks like he’s enjoying the hamfest. But don’t think we’re going soft, Tom. We’re still not forgiving you for Legend, Far and Away, Rain Man, The Last Samurai and the Minority Report…especially not Far and Away.

Kirsten Dunst as Claudia: Hi, guys! I came to add some plot to your sorry whinefest…also to show Mr. Pitt here how to act. See, doofus — this is how you create a convincing character full of pathos and freakiness. Too bad Tom and I aren’t playing the heroes, because we’re certainly a lot more compelling, with better dramatic character arcs, than your lump of tofu. 

Antonio Banderas as Armand: I am hot. Smoldering hot. You shall know this by my sexy Eurotrash accent, my flowing black locks, my penchant for floofy robes and my riveting gaze. I love you, Louis. I want to have sex with you, but I can’t  because, despite the pints of homoerotic tension seeping from every orifice in this movie, someone on the staff suddenly chickened out and made it so we can’t even touch. Therefore I must merely stand here, brooding, looking to a disturbing degree very much like Jennifer Connelly, only less stupefied because I keep my mouth closed.

On the plus side, the movie did get me all fired up about vampires again…not that I needed more fire and not that I ever stopped. Makes me want to read the book to figure out if the hamfest was intrinsic or added in the importation. I have a sinking suspicion, based on what else I’ve attempted to read by Anne Rice, that it was intrinsic.

P.S. If Louis was so tortured by his hellish existence, which he thought was inherently cruel, unnatural and abominable, what the hell prevented him from killing himself? I’m sure he could have rationalized it as a mercy killing. “He had a certain…naive charm, but NO MUSCLE!!!” observed Frank without remorse. 😀

Hey, I still like Supernatural!

Hey, I still like Supernatural! published on 3 Comments on Hey, I still like Supernatural!

I just watched the latest ep, Jus In Bello, of Season 3 of Supernatural [mentioned previously here and here] and, lo and behold, I still love that show.  Part of my attachment to it can be explained by my crush on Jensen Ackles [who plays Dean, the really-tries-to-be-macho one], but, beyond that, it’s just all-around high quality. 

In a show with only two returning characters — our protagonists, the brothers Winchester — the responsibility for success or failure depends in large part on how the actors take on the parts of the main characters, and let me say that Jensen Ackles and Jared Padelecki do very well with their roles. They both use body language to add expressive depths to their characters that the scripts don’t provide, and, even when the scripts are cliche fests, both Ackles and Padelecki deliver their lines with enough convincing emotion to make the cliches work. 

Furthermore, the two actors have a real chemistry with each other. On screen, they seem very relaxed and familiar when interacting with each other; they seem to really like each other and to have fun doing the show, and their enjoyment comes across as a camaraderie that is perfect for the brotherly characters they are playing. I could watch an entire ep of Supernatural where Sam and Dean were trapped in a cell and all they were doing was talking — that’s how believable and interesting the characters are when played by Ackles and Padelecki.

I hope it goes on for a 4th season!

Streaming TV and movies at hulu.com

Streaming TV and movies at hulu.com published on 2 Comments on Streaming TV and movies at hulu.com

Just recently Hulu.com opened up for public viewing. It contains clips and full episodes of past and current TV shows. It also contains clips and full-length features for certain films. Like ABC, Hulu sponsors the full-length offerings by interspersing them with ads. Among the interesting options:

30 Days of Night: Blood Trails: A miniseries that acts as a prequel to vampire gorefest 30 Days of Night.

Bones: A romance/crime drama. Starring the unbearably tofu-like David Bore-anaz, but I think I can live with that.

Cleopatra 2525: Sexy women, skimpy outfits, schlocky effects.

28 Days Later: Zombies.

Attack of the Puppet People: People try to escape from the man who minaturized them.

Quills: Geoffrey Rush chews up the scenery, swallows it, shits it out and smears it all over the walls as the Marquis de Sade. Hurrah!!

Transman in Heinz baked beans ad.

Transman in Heinz baked beans ad. published on No Comments on Transman in Heinz baked beans ad.

Yeah, I’m probably really behind the curve here, but here’s a British ad for Heinz Beans. I like that the transman seems confident, relaxed and happy, while the bio man’s head looks like it’s going to explode. His confusion and trans-related anxiety seems to be the butt of the joke more than anything. Your sex may change, but never your love for baked beans.

The transman’s self-ID as Christine rings false, though. Even though he says, “It’s Christine!”, it’s NOT Christine. It USED TO BE Christine. Now it’s whatever his current name is. If I were in that situation, I would say something like, “Hi, [FormerClassmate]! I’m [MyName]! We went to school together.” Then I would talk generally from that commonality and explain a bit later that I used to be [MyFormerName] if [FormerClassmate] was still confused about how he knew me.

Stvpid Svedka.

Stvpid Svedka. published on 2 Comments on Stvpid Svedka.

As a follow-up to my analysis of Svedka Vodka’s stvpid ads targeted toward straight viewers, here’s an equally pathetic attempt by the same company to target gay viewers. 

According to the copy, Svedka Vodka is right up there with clipping your toenails, taking out the trash, watching paint dry, doing laundry and all those other value-neutral activities that gay men would rather be doing than having sex with women. That’s hardly a ringing endorsement. Heck, I don’t even think this endorsement can reach the bell. If it does, it just bounces off like a foam ball, having made no sound on impact.

Svedka Vodka: Making useless, gratuitous, confrontational and meaningless comments about your sexuality since 2006.

Smart vs. dumb cannibals/vampires

Smart vs. dumb cannibals/vampires published on No Comments on Smart vs. dumb cannibals/vampires

I was reading When The Chenoo Howls by Joseph and James Bruchac, an awesome collection of monster stories from Native American traditions, when I came to the realization that most cultures distinguish between the smart vampiric or cannibalistic creatures and the dumb ones.

Taking the Native Americans of the Northeastern woodlands as a cultural group, we can see the contrast between smart and dumb cannibals in the following two creatures: the tsinoo and the flying head.

As I’ve mentioned earlier, the tsinoo [or chenoo, but I like the other spelling better] kills people and eats them. It may also deplete their souls. Though murderous, the tsinoo retains human characteristics of reason, emotion and even empathy, as the story about the woman melting the tsinoo’s heart illustrates. Because it is humanoid in intelligence, rationality and emotions, I’m calling the tsinoo a smart vampire.

The flying head, on the other hand, is scary, but dumb. According to Seneca stories, the flying head is an oversized head with a large mouth. It flies through the air, looking for humans to scoop up in the big bear paws growing from either side of its neck. The appetite of the flying head is indiscriminate, though; it will chew on pretty much anything. The Bruchacs tell a great story of how a young mother defeated a flying head who was stalking her and her infant son. When she knew the flying head was watching, the woman roasted chestnuts in the fire, then ate them. Because the chestnuts had blackened shells, they looked like coals. Thinking to follow the woman’s example, the flying head burst through the smoke hole of the woman’s house and began shoveling not chestnuts, but COALS, into its mouth. It either died from burns or injured itself so severely that it never bothered the woman again. [This is what I mean about some Native American tales having a very dry sense of humor. The picture of a big monster head stuffing its face full of hot coals is highly amusing.] Definitely not the sharpest arrowhead in the quiver…

There’s a quick summary of the story of the woman vs. the flying head available on Google Books in Legends, Traditions and Laws of the Iriquois or Six Nations and History of the Tuscarora Indians, by Elias Johnson. [Interestingly, Johnson, as a “native Tuscarora chief,” has a much different perspective on his material than Charles Leland, whose Anglocentrism I harassed to shreds previously. He comments: “I …have longed to see refuted the slanders, and blot out the dark pictures which the historians are wont to spread abroad concerning us. May I live to see the day when, it may be done, for most deeply have I learned to blush for my people.” Unfortunately, he has been dead for quite some time, but the “slanders” are still going strong.]

Modern U.S. movie mythology, which is catholic, promiscuous and syncretic, makes the smart/dumb distinction as well, using vampires and zombies. Vampires, as they currently manifest in the majority of popular U.S. media, are seen as superheroes: incredibly strong, often sexy human beings with full powers of reason and emotional sensitivity, hindered by their hunger for human blood. Zombies, as they currently manifest in the majority of popular U.S. media, are seen as the flying heads of bloodsuckers: menacing, but also easily outwitted since they have few wits to speak of.

I’m not sure where to go with this division, only to say that I have observed it elsewhere too.

Rather cute manananggal, Cory

Rather cute manananggal, Cory published on 4 Comments on Rather cute manananggal, Cory

Well, I ordered some guts and bloody stumps for my manananggal, but they didn’t come, so I worked on the rest of her, that is, her top half. You can see Cory [short for Corazon] below. I am not sure what her style is, but, whatever it is, she is rockin’ it hard. She is a lot of fun to make. I put her in the therianthropes category because she has bat wings and an insectile tongue, so I think of her as therianthropic. I added the “devil horns” because they seemed to go along with the bat wings…and her tough demeanor. I don’t know if you can see this, but she has three eyebrow piercings, one nose ring and rings at either corner of her mouth!

 

The farting goat gyroscope ride and other curiosities

The farting goat gyroscope ride and other curiosities published on No Comments on The farting goat gyroscope ride and other curiosities

Phoenixmasonry, a Web site for and about U.S. Freemasons, contains scans of a fascinating catalog, DeMoulin Bros. Fraternal Supply Catalog No. 439. Published in 1930, this pamphlet contains elaborate, expensive gag devices designed to trick and entertain people at Masonic gatherings.

Many of the pages feature items containing goats, such as the Ferris Wheel Coaster Goat, which combines a blindfolded rider, a toy goat, bleating sound effects and a starter’s pistol, all in some gyroscope-like device, for maximum disorientation sadism larfs results.

What kind of results? A testimonial on the product page for the Human Centipede claims, “We are very well-pleased with the paraphernailia we are using, and it is the only thing to keep up the attendance.” Because shocking people is hilarious. Please note how disturbed the men on the “centipede” appear to be by the electrical lines emanating from their asses.

I’m particularly interested in the Electric Branding Iron, which uses a heated “bluff” iron to which is attached a chamber of fake smoke, to create the illusion that the candidate is actually being branded. This is not just some cheap, quick trick. This is highly involved pageantry [see illustration with two guys holding down the candidate] with real functional props. In fact, it’s a performance as much for the audience as for the candidate.

Mason 1: “Come on down to the Lodge tonight. We’re gonna pretend  to brand Jenkins. It’ll be a scream!!”

Mason 2: “I’ll bring the popcorn.”

Mason 3: “Can I dress up as the Devil?”

I find this rather disturbing… The gags remind me of the punishment spectacles referred to in Michel Foucault’s Discipline and Punish, in which, for example, criminals were hanged publicly, events that the attendees treated as festival days. The extreme violence of such penal displays, in which someone could be hung, then drawn [dragged by a horse] and then quartered [chopped into pieces], seems reflected in the extremity of the gags here, in which someone is not just blindfolded, but also stuck on a fake goat AND turned upside-down AND frightened by a blank going off. These pranks represent spectacular overkill. I’m sure it’s enthralling to watch the recipients get pranked, but the overkill makes me think that some of these pranks were motivated less by good fun and more by Schadenfreude.

Look…items that would not be out of place in a BDSM dungeon: the Bird Cage and Dog Show Stunt!

Also…blackface is inherently funny.

The penanggal: a Malay vampire, or, The Tribulations of Rendering a Half-Bodied Creature

The penanggal: a Malay vampire, or, The Tribulations of Rendering a Half-Bodied Creature published on 3 Comments on The penanggal: a Malay vampire, or, The Tribulations of Rendering a Half-Bodied Creature

On and off for the past few months, I’ve been trying to make a digital verson of the penanggal, a Malay vampire with a distinctively monstrous appearance.

While most of the vampires I’ve researched have humanoid forms, the penanggal is only partially human, in fact, only partial. By day the penanggal appears as a beautiful woman, but, at night, she detaches her head from the rest of her body. With her intestines dangling from her neck stump and her heart flashing like a light, she swoops through the darkness in search of placentas or baby’s blood to drink. 

In my attempts to make a digital penanggal, I’ve run up against two problems. 1) It’s hard to divide a digital model of a complete person into realistic pieces with bloody stumps. Since digital models are basically hollow balloons in the shape of whatever they are supposed to be a model of, removing a limb or body section from a human model lets you see the model’s empty insides.

2) It is very hard to find digital intestines for casual use. I found some commercial digestive systems, but they were way outside my budget. I am not going to spend $350.00 on something that is not even in a format that I can use!

I also have an aesthetic problem with the penanggal. Dangling viscera are just disgusting, not to mention unsanitary. Therefore, I decided that I would make a variant of the penanggal with an entire torso, including arms, and the viscera dangling below her waist. Because some of the dangling viscera are partly “protected” by her torso [even though it’s open at the bottom], the fact that my penanggal variant has at least 50% of a body makes her more aesthetically acceptable to me.

Then I discovered the manananggal, clearly related to the penanggal, but better for my purposes. The manananggal, a Phillipine vampire, is a female creature that detaches herself from her waist and legs and flies about on bat wings to suck blood. She also has a long proboscis-like tongue, which she uses to drain blood. To my mind, a legless character with bat wings and a butterfly tongue is a lot more interesting than a pile of guts with a head on top.

I also found a source for guts. Over on Renderotica, the marketplace for Poser porn, Davo sells something called the Gore Pack for Vicki, which supplies realistic-looking stumps for limbs and also some intestines. Plus it’s on sale for 50% off until the end of March! I’m gonna go get it. Guts are pretty useful to have around, even beyond the purpose of rendering a mananangal. Stay tuned for pictures of my manananggal.

She would be a pretty amusing character for LHF. “Can you get off my carpet, please? Your viscera are, uh, staining my rug….”

The “savages” have an oral tradition!!

The “savages” have an oral tradition!! published on No Comments on The “savages” have an oral tradition!!

In my effort to reacquaint myself with Abenaki stories, I found The Algonquian Legends of New England by Charles Leland on Google Books. Copyright 1884, this public domain work is now available for readers everywhere to marvel at two things which are stupendous for entirely opposite reasons. The stories are stupendously GOOD. They display world-wide scope, thrilling adventure, thoughtful moral guidance, a very dry sort of humor and the inexhaustible layers of dense symbolism and imagery that any mythos provides. In other words, stupendous stuff.

The second reason for which this book is stupendous is the egregious, stupendously BAD self-insertion of the narrator. Leland wants to portray himself as a learned authority on the "red man," so he goes to laughable lengths to trot out his intellectual achievements. His "achievements," such as they are, consist basically in very strained comparisons between the Abenaki mythos and either the Norse mythos or the Finnish mythos.  I'm all for investigating the influence of certain myths on others and the spread of certain story tropes and what this might say about the modes of thinking common to all cultures [we've all got dragons, vampires, half-human, half-fish water creatures, were-animals, etc., etc., etc.]. However, Leland is less interested in universal mythic themes than he is in proving the Abenaki mythos a poor derivative of the great European traditions. We see Leland's Angoclentric bias most clearly in his comment about Glooskap, a kind of Trickster/Creator/demi-god/buffoon/cultural hero:

Glooskap…is by far the grandest and most Aryan-like character ever evolved from a savage mind and…is more congenial to a reader of Shakespeare and Rabelais than any deity ever imagined out of Europe… (p. 2 of the introduction)

Leland clearly assumes that the Abenaki people are "savages," that is, mentally deficient and unable to attain the literary heights represented by Shakespeare and Rabelais. The supposedly primitive corpus of Abenaki stories produces only one character that measures up to "Aryan-like" standards of grandeur. All the other characters are pathetic stereotypes. It's screamingly obvious from Leland's comment that the observer cannot be separated from the perspective, i.e., that his basis for comparison is Shakespeare and Rabelais because that's all he knows. It is possible to try to look at a mythos on its own terms, i.e., how it talks to itself, to the people, to the world around it, but Leland only wants to use the Abenaki stories to learn about himself. The Abenaki stories serve his preconceived conclusion that the "Aryan" culture [= white western European] is the most civilized, advanced and intelligent ever and everyone else is just a shoddy knock-off.

Heck, Leland even admits that he went into this story-collecting project with expectations of finding inferior stories. He says in the preface (p. 1):

When I began, in the summer of 1882, to collect among the Passamaquoddy Indians at Campobello, New Brunswick, their traditions and folklore, I expected to find very little indeed. These Indians, few in number, surrounded by white people and thoroughly converted to Roman Catholicism, promised but scanty remains of heathenism. What was my amazement, however, at discovering, day by day, that there existed among them, entirely by oral tradition, a far grander mythology than that which has been made known to us either by the Chippewa or the Iriquois Hiawatha legends, and that this was illustrated by an incredible number of tales.

In other words, he thought that the Passamaquoddy community had had all their native blood bleached and beaten out of them, taking the stories with them as it spilled into the earth. Upon "discovering" that the Passamaquoddy perpetuated their culture, tradition, religion and stories, Leland was as stupefied as he would have been if someone had told him that women should be allowed to go to college. Despite his realization, enumerated in the title of this entry, he could not comprehend that the Passamaquoddy were people just like him and therefore continued to "prove" their inferiority by showing the degeneracy of their cultural traditions as compared to the glorious Aryan originals.

And you know — this complete blindness to one's prejudices is still be practiced right this very instant on Native Americans and anyone else dead white males think is uninteresting or unworthy of note.

The search for the Abenaki vampire

The search for the Abenaki vampire published on 2 Comments on The search for the Abenaki vampire

I’ve been poking around Abenaki mythology recently, looking for the vampire equivalents, of which there are always several in every single culture.

A cursory Wikipedia search yielded the tsi-noo, a promising vampiric specimen: “a person whose heart is made of ice and has no soul; he eats the souls of others for sustenance and strength.” Further Web searches yielded no information about this creature, so I had to widen my search.

I looked under general terms like ” abenaki supernatural vampires,” and eventually I came upon Joseph Bruchac’s When The Chenoo Howls: Native American Tales of Terror. At this point, I began thinking that tsi-noo was an alternative spelling of chenoo, a conclusion confirmed by a search along the lines of “supernatural chenoo monsters vampires algonquian,” which yielded the story The Girl and the Chenoo. As adapted here by Elaine Lindy, the chenoo is a large, hairy, ugly, cannibalistic monster with great strength and a frightening, stoic manner. Despite his outward appearance, the titular girl treats him kindly; he helps her and her brothers out, and eventually the girl helps the chenoo to melt his evil icy heart [literally it’s a piece of ice] and turn back into a human being. The traits of the chenoo — heart of ice, scary, monstrous, no soul, consumes other people to survive — overlap with the traits of the tsi-noo, making it obvious that chenoo and tsi-noo are the same thing.

The story The Girl and the Chenoo is a particularly beautiful tale with many neat symmetries. The chenoo is supposed to be a consumer of humans, but, instead, the kindness and humanity of a human being consumes him. The chenoo is also supposed to be a creature that turns people from humans into bitter, cold, heartless creatures. Instead, the human girl is the one with the transformative powers here; combatting his negative power with her positive ones, she brings him back to his original human state. Instead of him draining the good from her, she drains the bad from him! The chenoo demonstrates the vampiric trait of absorption very clearly because he absorbs the goodwill of the girl and her brothers, but their hearts are so big [despite their nervousness] that he cannot deplete them into despair. While demonstrating the message that goodwill fosters goodwill, this story also contains the implicit point that bad will fosters bad will; therefore, the only way to break a cycle of violence is to do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

My favorite part of the story is when the girl invites the chenoo in, calling him by the honorific of “Grandfather,” bidding him to eat dinner with her.  The poor guy is just so completely dumbfounded that anyone would ever want to be nice to him that his mind gets completely derailed from malicious thoughts, and he consents to be her guest. Lindy writes, “The Chenoo was amazed beyond measure at such a greeting where he expected yells and prayers, and in mute wonder let himself be led into the wigwam.”  You can just see him saying to himself, “Wow, someone is being friendly to me! I wonder when the other shoe will drop.” The story traces his transformation from taciturn, grumpy and suspicious to polite, helpful and much less tense.

More about the chenoo and the Anglocentrism in an 1884 collection, The Algonquian Legends of New England by Charles Leland [available for PDF download from Google Books!!], later. I have to go back to work.

Well cry me a river of machine lubricant tears!

Well cry me a river of machine lubricant tears! published on 2 Comments on Well cry me a river of machine lubricant tears!

I got this for Copyranter, a copiously illustrated stream of snark about modern advertising. Fun fun.

Last year Svedka Vodka [?] advertised on phone booths in New York City with some transgender robots. Svedka_Grl, a cute robot, claims, “I’m a gay man trapped in the body of a fembot.” I don’t buy it. He should just be able to buy some mechanical attachments. If humans can modify bodies that they feel trapped in, why can’t robots who are made to be modified?

I will accept the trope of using the objectified female form to sell something unrelated, like alcohol, but why mention gay men? To do so puts the viewer’s mind into a series of mental contortions to figure out what exactly that means. [It means that the bot will come on strong to straight guys because it’s a “trapped gay guy.”] It may be memorable, but it’s not clever or humorous or useful. [Here’s an example of a funnier use of transgender imagery — offensive, yes, but also funny. Incidentally, why is it the vodka ads that show such penis-o-phobia?] Svedka apparently wanted to put “gay” in there to be edgy and hip, but they come across as copywriters flinging words wildly against a wall to see what will stick.

Yeah, yeah, basic black “bat kraut!”

Yeah, yeah, basic black “bat kraut!” published on No Comments on Yeah, yeah, basic black “bat kraut!”

Once you get beyond the sheer gross-out factor of DYED and CANNED SAUERKRAUT, the character sketches of the pro-kraut women are hilarious.  

We’ve got Cousin Nina, an anorexic who is apparently channeling a stereotypical gay man. [She also moonlights as an Asian-stereotype dominatrix, Lady Lotus of the Orient.] We’ve got Aunt Sam, who combines nutritional nerdiness with a flamboyant past as a daring aviatrix. There’s Sister Allison, whose obsession with dyeing kraut, giving the colors cutesy names and forcing other kids to do it suggests that she’s a few leaves short of a cabbage head. [Her staring eyes provide a startlingly direct portal to the yawning abyss within.]  And there’s Mama, whose mysteriously stunted growth reminds us that perhaps we shouldn’t hit the kraut for EVERY SINGLE MEAL.

You could dye this stuff a reddish-pink and feed it to zombies in lieu of brains.

 

I just realized…

I just realized… published on No Comments on I just realized…

…I finally have enough skills to realize a project that has been bugging me for years: my music video to I Go Wild. Of course, it would be like a movie slide show because I refuse to animate it [it would take years], but I could do it nonetheless!! It’s a great excuse to get a straitjacket and some fiendish devices. [It’s a toss-up between MADLAB-4 and the Re-education thingy.] Alas, alas, no one would ever see it unless they personally came over to my home computer and looked at it because there is no way that I would put anything so explicit up on the Web.

I’m really looking forward to illustrating…

You left me; I’m braindead
I’m feelin’ nothing, strapped to my bed
On life support, tubes in my nose
Tubes in my arms, shot full of holes

In other, not really related news, Sadotronic would be a great name for a band, preferably a Norwegian death metal one that thinks it’s really edgy and blasphemous.

Blood Quantum, or, How Native American are you?

Blood Quantum, or, How Native American are you? published on 2 Comments on Blood Quantum, or, How Native American are you?

So I’ve been poking around for some superficial information about Abenakis in New England, since Absinthe, an LHF character, has Abenaki ancestry [her great-grandfather]. While looking around the Web site of the Cowasuck Band of the Pennacook-Abenaki [the band with which Absinthe associates], I came across the following comment about the existence and visibility of Native Americans:

Any other ethnic or religious group in the world need only declare their existence. Only the American Indian is required to document genealogy to the beginning of time and blood quantum to show how much real "Indian" they are.

Intrigued by the concept of "blood quantum," I did further investigation, and I learned something new.

Continue reading Blood Quantum, or, How Native American are you?

Review of Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Review of Bram Stoker’s Dracula published on 3 Comments on Review of Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Keanu Reaves as Jonathan Harker: [brain is on screensaver]

Anthony Hopkins as Abraham van Helsing: I chew ze scenery, ja? Is between my tees, ja? HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Bill Campbell as Quincey P. Morris: Goldurn it and tarnation! I’m madder than a riled-up hornet. Dadgum — how many fake folksy expressions does a feller have to use to compensate for the fact that his Texan hick character has got as much karikter development as an advertising picture on the side of a feed sack?

Gary Oldman as Dracula: I am sensitive. Note the deep wells of feeling in my large liquid brown puppy-dog eyes. Well, actually, they’re more like the eyes of a hairy horny werewolf, given that I screw Sadie Frost’s character on a sundial in a labyrinth while looking like a monkey/bat combo. But pay no attention to my furry palms.

Winona Ryder as Mina Murray: Sure, it makes no sense at all that an unaccompanied fin-de-siecle woman engaged to be married to an utter twit would a) be walking around scummy London unaccompanied and b) allow herself to be accosted by a mysterious “Prince Vlad” and then c) go see nudie movies with him and d) pet wolves, but THROW ME A BONE HERE! I’m doing the best I can with utterly stupid material.

Bosoms: [heave heave]

Red Water: [gush gush]

Scenery: Hello! We are obviously matte paintings and sound stages and overly employed dry ice! Not to mention soap flakes for snow. But you should give us an Oscar anyway. Or two. Or three. PLEAAAAAASE.

Crosses: Watch how we break. This is Very Symbolic. VERY SYMBOLIC.

Annie Lennox: You know, I’m just going to ignore the entire movie and write a seriously awesome love song for the end credits that transcends any of the efforts put forth by the cast in terms of quality. 

EDITED TO ADD: Viewers: Mmm, this cheese tastes good.

Will does another meme…

Will does another meme… published on No Comments on Will does another meme…

36 questions, 3-word answers. Yanked from ashbet.

1. Where is your cell phone?
In my purse.

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?:
At La Biblio.

3. Your hair?:
Sticking out everywhere.

4. Where is your father?
In a grave.

5. Cheesecake?
Cheesecake AND beefcake!

6. Your favorite thing to do?
My girlfriend…hard!

7. Your dream last night?
Mythic and weird.

8. Your favourite drink?
O pos, 98.6.

9. Your dream car?
Don’t need one.

10. The room you’re in?
The “living” room.

11. George W. Bush?
Stake through heart!

12. Your fears?
Sterility, impotence, femininity.

13. Nipple rings?
In near future.

14. Who did you hang out with last night?
Mark and Velvette.

15. What you’re not good at?
Just about everything.

16. Your best friends?
Don’t have any.

17. One of your wish list items?
Blood-resistant lip gloss.

18. Where did you grow up?:
West Slummerville, Assachusetts.

19. The last thing you did?:
Typed an answer.

20. What are you wearing?
Tight new corset.

21. Tattoo on the lower back?:
No, not interested.

22. Ketchup?
Blood’s much tastier.

23. Your computer?
Time to upgrade.

24. Your life?
Don’t have one.

25. Your mood?
Hyperbolically melancholy, pretentious.

26. Missing?
Daylight, breath, death.

27. What are you thinking about right now?
Kids: some day…

29. Your work?
Pornoriffic yet dull.

30. Your summer?
Could’ve been worse.

31. Your relationship status?
Could be better.

32. Your favorite color(s):
Pink, orange, red.

33. Last time you laughed?
When with Velvette.

34. Last time you cried?
110 years ago.

35. High school?
Class of 1888.

36. This quiz:
Answers too short!

Squirrel just earned back his $2.50 sale price…

Squirrel just earned back his $2.50 sale price… published on No Comments on Squirrel just earned back his $2.50 sale price…

…by illustrating something that I saw with my very own eyes…how the squirrels around here get so damn big. Apparently I broke my Comic Book Creator export functions, so it looks like I’ll have to go with Comic Life and redo ALL the LHF eps I’ve done so far, aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgh. Anyway, this comic is just a screen-captured jpg. Also I am aware that the French fry looks like a rectangular solid colored tan. Go bite the wax tadpole.

Hero’s Quest 1: So You Want To Be A Hero

Hero’s Quest 1: So You Want To Be A Hero published on No Comments on Hero’s Quest 1: So You Want To Be A Hero

Goddamn, we loved that game. I remember playing it with my siblings and creating “the unerasable horse quest” just to find out if the horse on the castle grounds did anything else besides eat grass. [Answer: Not that we could tell.] I remember hitting the up arrow to kill monsters, calling the scene where all the goblins hung out Goblin City, dying because of drinking Troll’s Sweat, picking your nose [“Congratulations! Your left nostril is now open!”] and finally winning the game through collaborative efforts and a bunch of cheats. The character who won was festeringsnotballlives! Now that I found this walk-through, I want to find a copy of that game.

Head and face coverings

Head and face coverings published on 1 Comment on Head and face coverings

“I never realized we had such a collection of things that cover your whole head and face.”

“I never realized how many of them you can’t wear outside the bedroom!”

Bandit mask http://www.poserworld.com/Downloads/Props/9402/Bandit.Face.Scarf.aspx

Hood 01 http://www.renderosity.com/mod/freestuff/index.php?user_id=45098

Masks on sticks http://www.renderosity.com/mod/freestuff/index.php?user_id=12263

Mask and cowl http://www.renderosity.com/mod/freestuff/index.php?user_id=43825&page=2

I wish I could find a free mask with zippers on it. [Apparently these are called gimp masks, which puzzles me to no end.]

EDIT:

Blindfold http://www.most-digital-creations.com/free_poser_poses_textures_morphs_props_15.htm

High fantasy veil http://free.daz3d.com/free_weekly/detail.php?free_id=21

 

You have successfully downloaded the squirrel.

You have successfully downloaded the squirrel. published on 1 Comment on You have successfully downloaded the squirrel.

Please wait while the squirrel collects all the nuts on your hard drive.

I got a squirrel this morning, primarily because it was on sale. It is a lot cuter than a real squirrel. It is also a lot skinnier. It needs more fat…also some French fries. [You wouldn’t believe some of the things squirrels in the city eat!] I am not particularly perturbed that it is Mimic-compatible [i.e., set up for a program that makes it talk], but I am rather perturbed that it has facial expressions. When the HELL have you ever seen a smiling squirrel?

Now I should find a use for it in LHF. Knowing my characters, they would probably eat it or drink its blood at the very least.

Renders in 20 seconds!

Renders in 20 seconds! published on No Comments on Renders in 20 seconds!

This weekend I did an episode where Will and Velvette were at the Downtown Crossing station. I just dropped them and their shopping bags against various photos I took of the station interior. Lo and behold — how quickly did these simple pictures render, without multiple props and 3-D sets to inflate their developing times!! I’m going to have to set more eps against photoed backdrops, for my 3-D interior sets render too slowly for me [120 seconds as opposed to 20].

Materyllis hits misanthropy.

Materyllis hits misanthropy. published on

The Chocolatiers thought that it would be merciful if they killed Affie out of Materyllis’ sight, but Materyllis disagreed. She loved Affie like her own daughter, and she believed that she herself should euthanize Affie. So she did.

After Affie’s death in maybe 1960 or so, Materyllis changed her ways. She left the Chocolatiers. She moved back to her Yerxa Road house in North Cambridge. Those mortals who remembered Materyllis noticed that, when she moved back into the neighborhood, she was not as active as she had been. Materyllis used to actively make and maintain friendships with mortals when she initially lived on Yerxa Road. Now she answered requests from old-timers, but she did not seek out new mortal friends and patients. Because she was more removed from her neighborhood, her air of mystery lent itself to forbidding rumors about her being a cannibalistic, murdering witch.

Materyllis’ relationships with other vampires changed as well. After withdrawing physically from the Chocolatiers, she seemed to withdraw emotionally as well. Susie felt this most strongly, noting that Materyllis did not talk to her as much, visit her as frequently or even really confide in her. Materyllis was nothing but cordial to the Chocolatiers, and she responded when they asked her for help, but she certainly was extinguished.

Over time, Materyllis’ increasing reclusivity and remoteness converged with her reputation among mortals as a magical menace. Also new vampires appeared who had no idea of Materyllis’ past as a helpful conjure woman; without Susie and the Chocolatiers to vouch for her any more [since she was keeping so remote from them], Materyllis appeared like a crabby, probably dangerous hermit to newer generations of vampires. People did continue to make their way to her, mostly to die in peace, so her vocation became less of healing the living and more of healing those about to die. It’s like Mikael in In the Time of the Bells, where Maria Gripe writes something like, “He had few friends among the living, but, among the dead, he had many.” Painfully enough, her decision to cut herself off after Affie’s death cut herself off also from the practice of conjure healing the living [or at least the undead] which gave her the most satisfaction.

This is where we find her now. Scratch what I said earlier about her being an author of sentimental doggerel. She may indeed be related to Phillis Wheatley, but that’s not very relevant to her character. She doesn’t get out much among the other vampires, although she does visit La Biblio to get some conjure supplies for Mark. Mark?! Of course…Mark has the power of connections; he’s the ultimate middleman. The other people who actually see her in person are Susie and the Chocolatiers. Her reputation lives more actively than she does at this point. I’m sure there are a few mortals who remember being frightened by tales of the conjure witch on Yerxa Road when they were misbehaving….

Of course, this puts her in the perfect position for a super-secret plot development that will shoot the series in an exciting new direction….

Materyllis and how she got where she is

Materyllis and how she got where she is published on

The discussion amongst the Chocolatiers and Materyllis regarding Affie’s fate was a bitter one. You see, it is a general principle across all metro Boston vamp clans that the penalty for any crime that endangers vampires as a whole is death. There are several categories of activity that merit the death penalty:

1. Harming a mortal under the age of consent merits death.

2. Killing other vampires for no reason [see below for explanation] merits death.

3. Any activity that threatens the safety and security of vampires as a whole merits death. For example, if a vampire turned informant for a Harvard professor of folklore and began telling the professor about actual vamp clans and culture, the vampire would be quickly found out and put to death.

The vampire code of laws, such as they exist, also has no tolerance for second chances. A criminal offense means death. Vampires do not want to risk the chance that a criminal will live forever and commit crimes forever, so they immediately eliminate criminals. Vampire ethics arise basically from strong survival instincts.

Vampire clans mostly police themselves or their jurisdictions; they don’t encroach on each other’s territory. Clans don’t aggressively pursue vamp criminals, though, instead waiting until they make themselves known, which explains how sickos like Joe Coldstone can abide for centuries. Frankly, if someone is getting away with offensive acts, vampires are less concerned with the discreet criminal because the discreet criminal is not threatening the integrity of the community as a whole.

At the same time, it is perfectly acceptable for a victim of a discreet criminal to take matters into his or her own hands and kill the discreet criminal, as Materyllis did to Joe. Vampires view this as acceptable vigilante justice that preserves the integrity of the vampire community in general.

How does this relate to Materyllis and Affie? Well clearly Affie had broken 2 of vampire culture’s major prohibitions: she had harmed a child and endangered vampire security in general. Strictly speaking, she merited death for these facts alone. At the same time, Materyllis and the Chocolatiers agreed that Affie was not willfully malicious, but rather insane. They debated whether they should suspend punishment because of her mental state.

The Chocolatiers, seeing how much Materyllis loved Affie, argued that they could create some sort of indefinite house arrest for Affie. Materyllis was the one who pointed out that house arrest hadn’t worked. She pointed out that, beyond questions of responsibility and mental capacity, the especially horrific nature of Affie’s baby killings put the community in great jeopardy. Affie’s unintentional endangerment of the community was the biggest concern. No matter how much she herself cared for Affie, Materyllis said, she had to die.

Materyllis, cantankerous misanthrope

Materyllis, cantankerous misanthrope published on

Affie calmed down and regained some of her intelligence, enough for Materyllis to get out of her the story of how Affie was changed by Joe. Affie had called on Joe after the birth of her first child, who had come out premature and sickly. Even though Affie brought Joe in, her baby died. Joe seized the day and vamped Affie. The loss of her child and her own life formed formed a particularly strong black hole into which much of Affie’s mental stability got sucked.

With Materyllis’ help, Affie flourished. She grew back up mentally in slow but perceptible progression until she hit about 10, at which point she seemed to stop. Materyllis developed a routine that both she and Affie liked. At this point, other vamps were coming to Materyllis for check-ups or counseling, so she saw them in her house, unless she had to see a very sick person or someone who wanted last rites. [Materyllis gained a reputation among the Boston metro clans for being the person to go to if you wanted to die humanely and painlessly.] When she had to leave the house, Susie or one of her loyal customers watched Affie. Materyllis watched over Affie closely, though, entrusting her with some chores and letting her bake lots of cookies and play the piano [her two favorite things to do]. Affie occasionally had nightmares about Joe and her child dying, in which case she would attack Materyllis who was trying to calm her down, but these nightmares occurred so rarely that they were pretty easy to ignore. In Materyllis’ opinion, Affie had been broken into pieces like an old piece of pottery, but Materyllis had fixed her and refashioned her, not to be the same as before, but still good. Materyllis viewed Affie as a “slow child” that she would be responsible for for the rest of her life.

Then the [human] family next door, the Dixons, had a kid! Because Materyllis and Affie were good friends with the Dixons, they went over to see the baby. Materyllis enjoyed the busyness and elation of the newly expanded family, but Affie always grew agitated. She seemed as if she wanted to run away from the baby, but she couldn’t take her eyes off it. Sometimes the Dixon baby cried all through the night [colicky], and Materyllis found Affie pacing and howling in unison.

Regretfully Materyllis decided that she and Affie had to move away from babies and children and mortals in general. Susie enjoined them to head down to Dorchester and join the Chocolatiers. Materyllis didn’t want to, but thought it would be best for Affie.

Then…right before the move…one night everything was quiet. How come the Dixon baby wasn’t crying? Materyllis found out soon enough when she went into Affie’s room and discovered Affie rocking the baby, its throat torn out, licking blood from its wound.

Materyllis felt numb. She loved the Dixons and she loved Affie, but she couldn’t escape the screamingly obvious conclusion that Affie had killed the Dixon baby. She couldn’t very well punish Affie, who seemed to have gone unhinged again, and she couldn’t explain to her friends, “My ward killed your child, but she didn’t mean to.” She fled Yerxa Road in humiliation and despair.

Materyllis assumed that, surrounded by other vampires and no vulnerable human children, Affie would regain her composure again. All willing Chocolatiers developed a strict watch so that Affie would stay supervised, calm and non-murderous at all times.

Less than two months after moving to Dorchester, Affie kidnapped another human baby and fed from it. When Materyllis and the other Chocolatiers intervened, they had to put the baby to death before Affie turned it.

The Chocolatiers held a council about what to do about Affie.

How Materyllis got where she is

How Materyllis got where she is published on

It makes the most sense for Joe Coldstone,  Materyllis’ rapist and transmittor of vampirism, was a practitioner of hoodoo, but I’m not going to use that word because it sounds like voodoo, which has enough misconceptions around it already. So I’ll say he was a conjure man, practicing a syncretic form of healing/rootwork/matural magic that borrows from various West and Central African religious and healing traditions and throws some New Testament Christianity into the mix.

Here’s an online book, which should be good for an introduction to the subject. 

Anyway, Joe transmitted vampirism to Materyllis. He also probably tossed a gallimaufry of spells at her, love spells, obedience curses, domination hexes, etc., etc., etc. Materyllis was then forced to be his servant.

Materyllis was kept as a prisoner in Joe’s house, forced to do that very thing that she never wanted to do: housekeeping. There was also more rape involved.

Materyllis spent any spare moment monitoring Joe and learning his secrets. After 3 years of slavery, she had amassed enough of her own conjure knowledge and skills to kill Joe and free herself.

After her imprisonment, she basically came out of the darkness into a new world. Not only had she mostly missed World War II, but her family had scattered. Her father, who had never been healthy, had died of a stroke half a year after Materyllis’ illness. Both of her brothers had died in combat. Her sister had taken her example and gotten a job as part of the war effort, and now she was out in California with her husband who had come back sefely from the service. Materyllis’ mother remained in the house on Yerxa Road, increasingly frail and lonely.

Materyllis reunited with her mother and cared for her until her death in 1948. After that, she kind of took over Joe’s old position and became a conjure woman. At first, she started healing some of the damage caused by Joe’s perversions. Of course, Materyllis wasn’t the only woman that he had tried to ensorcel, sexually exploit and dominate, so Materyllis tracked down the others and tried to help them. 

For example, Susie Langdon had been a victim of his in the 1920s. Barely out of girlhood, she had been hiding ever since then, convinced she was sinful, shameful, polluted and less than human. Materyllis restored her confidence and her strength. Susie ended up going down to Mattapan and joining the Chocolatiers, where she is still doing well today. Susie gave Materyllis the name that she goes by today.

Materyllis didn’t have as much success with other women. There was one, Affie Marks, vamped by Joe in the early 1800s, who had spent all of her undead life unclanned, uninitiated and unacknowledged. The strain of death and over a century of isolation had left her mostly nuts. She seemed to have the mental capacity of a 5-year-old, and she alternated between tractability and violent damaging rages. Materyllis brought Affie to her house, hoping that, with gentle treatment and some judicious application of conjure magic, Affie would regain her sanity.

With Materyllis watching her, Affie seemed to improve, becoming more peaceful and more coherent.

Character creation for LHF, continued: Materyllis Whatley

Character creation for LHF, continued: Materyllis Whatley published on

So her name is Amaryllis Whatley, but no one calls her that. She’s so notorious that she goes by just Materyllis, mater being Latin for “mother.”

I modeled her and made her up last night, and she is one natty, smokin’ hot :p babe. I didn’t expect her to be so damn hot. I expect she died just a few years older than Will, at around 35.

Anyway, I haven’t detailed her backstory yet, but I do have a rough idea of how she became a vampire.

After she graduated from high school and from the business course at Boston University, she was living in a squalid tenement and working as a stenographer in downtown Boston. Meanwhile, her parents were bugging her to take care of them and generally be a stay-at-home nurturer instead of a working girl. For all that Materyllis didn’t want to become like her mom, working as a mom with 4 kids and worn out early in life, her parents’ insistence did carry some weight because Materyllis liked her economic independence, but hated her apartment, her bigoted landlord and her job in general. She much preferred taking care of either her plants [no room for a garden] or her cat, and she was very good at raising the kids; she just didn’t want to be a housemother. She thought about going into nursing.

Then she got sick. She got really, really sick with mono. She was behind one day in rent payment. Her landlord seized the opportunity to boot her out. Her parents believed that she had caught the kissing disease from being immodest with young men, so they strenuously disapproved of her. They did, however, let her move back into to their cramped house in Cambridge on Yerxa Road.

Materyllis pushed herself to go to work, but the longer commute wore her out. The leader of the steno pool very nicely said that she would always have a job there, but now she needed to go home and get well. Materyllis left her job and went to the bank to withdraw almost all of her savings. Her former landlord was demanding exorbitant fees for things like maid service, keys and damage that she hadn’t committed. He threatened her with court action, so she wanted to pay him off to get him to shut up. As she approached her landlord’s house, she was mugged. Her purse was stolen, along with the money for the landlord. Materyllis ended up walking home from downtown Boston to North Cambridge. Once there, she passed out, sick and tired.

Materyllis entered the lowest period of her life. She felt incompetent because she couldn’t keep her job. She felt like a pushover for paying off the landlord instead of fighting him. She felt like she was stupid and clueless because she had gotten mugged. She said to herself that she was asking for it, carrying a purse full of money to a bad part of town. She doubted her ability to be an independent, successful woman who could support herself. She considered becoming her parents’ caretaker since it was safe and easy. This thought, however, was unutterably depressing, so, compounding the weakness of mono, she lay in bed, literally paralyzed with self-doubt and indecision.

Seeing that she was not only sick in the body, but sick at heart, Materyllis’ parents quickly stopped reviling her supposed immodest conduct. Having little money for offficial medical care, they sought the services of Joe Coldstone. Now Joe Coldstone had a reputation among the blacks of North Cambridge because, as the tales went, his mother had been a healer, a “witch woman,” in Africa, and she had brought those skills across the ocean in the 1780s and taught them to her son Jacob so that he could cure the black people of maladies when the white people wouldn’t touch them. Some people thought this story was full of shit, and it wasn’t his mom, but his great-great-grandma. Others pointed out that Joe’s memory seemed to go way back into the early 1800s, so maybe he did have special healing powers that led to him being so well-preserved.

Whatever the case was, there was no debate on one fact: Joe was pathologically interested in Materyllis. When she dated [boys] in high school and occasionally in college [before giving up to concentrate on her job], she saw him occasionally at the theaters or ice cream parlor or behind her on the street, always at night, always seeming to be casual, but too close for coincidence. Materyllis clocked him with her purse once, but this only seemed to increase his stalking. 

Anyway, Joe’s sicko little mind knew a good opportunity when he saw it. And here is where I run out of details, but I will fill them in later after research. He told Materyllis’ parents that he needed to tend to her in privacy. He actually raped her in privacy and turned her into a vampire. I’m undecided whether it’s human blood, animal blood or psychic energy vampirism. It is also possible that he transmitted some sort of werebestial nature. Time for some research.

“Davy Crockett” doll

“Davy Crockett” doll published on 1 Comment on “Davy Crockett” doll

I see more of David Bowie than Fess Parker in Tonner’s upcoming Davy Crockett doll, but then, Tonner isn’t known for accurate likenesses.

While I’m commenting, the entire Agnes Dreary line makes me crack up. The costumes remind me strongly of the production and costume design for the Series of Unfortunate Events movie. I especially like Agnes’ Dreary Dinner Party Dress because I am a sucker for poofy sleeves. I also like Sister Dreary’s default outfit, a magnificently impractical hobble dress. Though Agnes Dreary is supposed to be a little Gothy girl, she and her fellow products remind me less of Gothy dudes and more of people in Victorian photographs when they had to sit very still for long periods of time to be rendered in black-and-white. It’s an attractive aesthetic.

Character creation for LHF: Here’s a new member of the cast.

Character creation for LHF: Here’s a new member of the cast. published on

So I picked up a bunch of local history books at the library recently. One is In Our Own Words: Stories of North Cambridge, Massachusetts 1900-1960. The most memorable person in the book is Ruth Jones (1895-1996), an African-American townie. She comes across as a take-no-shit person who tells you what to do because she’s experienced and smart and wise, and she knows it. She’s also incredibly smart and stubborn, in an admirable, ambitious way. In the book, she gives all these great details about cadging food from the gardens of the rich white folks and being the first black girl to graduate from Somerville High (1915) and dealing with racism when she went to Boston University in the late 1910s. In the interview, she obviously loves to tell stories and to preach.

Anyway, after I read about her and decided she was completely awesome, I wanted to work her into the story somehow. I decided I should have a vampire based on Ruth Jones in the general details of experience and character.

I haven’t worked out all the details yet [like her first name], but her last name is Whatley, and I do have a definite idea of her presence. She is single, but she is definitely a matriarch, not a mammy, but a commanding leader who treats other people like her children, not that they are stupid, but that they should do what she says because she knows best. Unlike Chow, who is an uptight parental figure as well, she’s not prim and proper and concerned with filial piety and obedience. She will curse the fuck out of you and whack you if aren’t paying attention to her. 

Also unlike Chow, she has very little self-doubt. This relates to one of her favorite stories: She says that she is descended from Phyllis Wheatley, despite all evidence that Wheatley’s line died out with her unmarried son. She thinks that her illustrious poetic lineage imparts to her great literary skills, but it doesn’t. Her poetry is actually just mediocre. She generously offers it to the Plainsfolk and the Undead Unitarian Universalists in chapbooks for fundraising purposes, and they grit their teeth and accept it because it sells great with little old ladies. She does not like Mark and thinks he’s a racist because he won’t stock her chapbooks in La Biblio.

I should also probably say that she’s not too impressed with men in general. She’s not actively venomous toward them a la Pippilotta, but she thinks women are stronger.  She is one of those people who takes the supposed feminine weaknesses and turns them into strengths. Like she thinks that the fact that women can bear children means that they are stronger, with more fortitude, and more powerful than men. Or that women are stereotyped as critical means they are more observant than men. She reframes feminine sentimentality and “hysteria” by saying that women are more sensitive to others’ emotions and more honest in their expressions, blah blah blah. She also thinks women are less squeamish with their own bodily functions and blood because they have to deal with menstruation and men don’t. Pisses off all the equality-minded liberals [the Plainsfolk, the South Enders, the UUUs, the Chocolatiers] with this view.

Also pisses off the liberals because she smokes a pipe. Has a reputation similar to that of Ethan Stuart and the Salem vampires: powerful, dangerous, magical, possibly a witch. Supposedly she kills people [that is, vampires] in the same manner that Ethan is known to execute people who don’t abide by his laws. Then she fertilizes her garden on their remains. While there is one view that says she kills people, there is another view that says that she is a healer type of witch who can cure vampiric maladies and help you with euthanasia. [And then she fertilizes her garden with your remains.] She’s one of those people who is talked about, but seldom seen.

I need to go find a cultural hook for her vampirism… I.e., what were the vampire-related beliefs of Africans who were imported here as slaves? How might some of those beliefs have been transformed to influence vampire-related beliefs in African-American slave culture?

The Far Sweet Thing by Libba Bray

The Far Sweet Thing by Libba Bray published on No Comments on The Far Sweet Thing by Libba Bray

All right, I’m late to the party here, but I would just like to say that the third in the Gemma Doyle trilogy, The Far Sweet Thing, is out! I got hooked on the first book primarily because of the sexy cover. [All three books feature young women wearing intricate Victorian corsets, photoed from the back so you can admire the lacing.] I also find the content interesting too, since the author portrays the Victorian era as uncomplicatedly evil, horrible and repressive and her heroines as anachronistically punchy, mouthy, modern and rebellious. The fact that she actually seems to know about the trappings of the time period makes her anachronisms all the more jarring. Anyway, I’ve gotta skip over to the bookstore and read me a copy.

Love Song for a Vampire by Annie Lennox

Love Song for a Vampire by Annie Lennox published on

I really like this song, but I keep forgetting that I like it, so, when I play it, it ambushes me with its emotional punch. The lyrics draw from the standard tropes about love and loss, but the way in which she knits them together makes them tender, weary and infinitely melancholy all at the same time. The dirge-like tempo underscores the sadness, while the clarity of her voice embodies the spirit of affection. Plus the title indicates that it’s about vampires, although nothing in the song specifies that. What more could I ask for?

Come into these arms again
And lay your body down
The rhythm of this trembling heart
Is beating like a drum

It beats for you – It bleeds for you
It knows not how it sounds
For it is the drum of drums
It is the song of songs…

Once I had the rarest rose
That ever deigned to bloom.
Cruel winter chilled the bud
And stole my flower too soon.

Oh loneliness – oh hopelessness
To search the ends of time
For there is in all the world
No greater love than mine.

Love, oh love, oh love…
Still falls the rain… (still falls the rain)
Love, oh love, oh, love…
Still falls the night…
Love, oh love, oh love…
Be mine forever…. (be mine forever)
Love, oh love, oh love….

Let me be the only one
To keep you from the cold
Now the floor of heaven’s lain
With stars of brightest gold

They shine for you – they shine for you
They burn for all to see
Come into these arms again
And set this spirit free

Tales of Beedle the Bard: No, you can’t read it! HAH!

Tales of Beedle the Bard: No, you can’t read it! HAH! published on 1 Comment on Tales of Beedle the Bard: No, you can’t read it! HAH!

Heard about Tales of Beedle the Bard? It’s a limited-edition, handbound, handwritten book by Rowling containing five fairy tales that fit in the Harry Potter universe. There are 7 extant, of which Amazon got one on auction for 2 million pounds [no, really]. The proceeds are going to Rowling’s pet charity, the Children’s Voice Campaign.

I am pretty ambivalent about this stunt. It earns money for a good cause, yay hooray, but it also escalates the general feeding frenzy surrounding anything related to Harry Potter. It is a physically beautiful item, bound like a grimoire with moonstone-eyed skulls, but that’s kind of irrelevant because it’s so rare that it will probably be guarded, rather than displayed for enjoyment. 

I think what I object to most of all is that Rowling is wielding her immense business savvy in service of a project that, to me at least, seems to be the diametrical opposite of what books represent philosophically. Yes, books represent a convenient storage medium for information, and, like all books, The Tales of Beedle the Bard stores information well enough. Books are also a tool to distribute information, however, which means that they are made for wide audiences. They are designed to be possessed, passed along and used. The Tales of Beedle the Bard is, by the fact of its small edition size, designed so that most people cannot afford it or keep it, which is to say that is is designed NOT to be possessed [at least by you, me or any of the other rabble]. Because the book is riding a wave of Rowling mania, it is an object created to capitalize upon said mania by encouraging people to gawk at it, rather than pass it along. Essentially, books say, “I am a book. Use me. Spread the word!” The Tales of Beedle the Bard says, “Oh, I’m technically a book, insofar as I’m constructed to look and theoretically function exactly like one. In principle, however, I’m not a book because YOU CAN’T READ ME HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”

I am sure that the content of the stories will somehow escape their limited-edition confines and become available to the general mass of readers, but that doesn’t obviate my point. My point is that this project comes across as rather unfriendly, self-involved and, to my gut instincts, unfair because Rowling trumpets that she had written some new stories, but the audience to which she trumpets can’t read them because they’re not worth[y] enough. I’m torn now because I really want to read The Tales of Beedle the Bard because I’m always on the lookout for new fairy tales. At the same time, Rowling’s deployment of the ultra-limited edition seems less about raising money for a good cause and more about the glorification of her own product empire.

The tone of the Amazon.com review — which is quite possibly the most truckling, cowering, cringeing, fawning, kowtowing, toadying, sycophantic, grovelling, apple-polishing, brown-nosing, servile piece of flattering lickspittle up-suckery that I have ever read — does not increase my goodwill either. [Did you like that phrase? Over the years, I have amassed quite a collection of words related to obsequious behavior. “Lickspittle” is my favorite because it implies someone who is willing to abase him/herself so low as to slurp up the saliva of someone else off a dirty floor.]

Lifestyles of the rich and vacuous

Lifestyles of the rich and vacuous published on 3 Comments on Lifestyles of the rich and vacuous

Oh, what a dreadful dilemma the aging hipster parents, in their 40s and expecting kids for the first time, face. They have spent so much time creating exquisite, exorbitant interiors, and they now must change their plans. 

Must their curtains woven from mermaid farts and moonbeams succumb to the slovenly onslaughts of partly formed humans who cannot properly wield spoons? 

Will the throne of imported unicorn horns, garnished in a tastefully pseudo-ethnic pattern with laser-etched bees’ knees, be relegated to the garage before a tiny being with the gait of a drunken landlubber trying to set up a folding chair on the deck of a ship in a typhoon careens into its corner and bumps its head?

Who gives a shit?

The New York Times Home & Garden section, with its earnest examination of the heart-wrenching dilemmas faced by 0.0000000000000000003% of the U.S. population, cannot be taken seriously.  Most people make a compromise between their new kids and the fabulously decorated, kid-unfriendly house they lived in before kids. I’m sure there’s some wailing and gnashing of teeth as certain beloved objects are discarded or removed, but it’s not a tragic turning point of life worthy of some Catholic Sacrament of Banished Knickknacks. By characterizing this compromise as some sort of undefeatable tension in the lives of new hoity-toity parents, the New York Times makes the interviewees come off as self-absorbed idiots who not-so-secretly like their Louis Quatorze chairs more than their kids. 

BITE THE WAX TADPOLE, MORONS!!

Following my post about “vegangelical…”

Following my post about “vegangelical…” published on 2 Comments on Following my post about “vegangelical…”

…Here are some observations from Feministing about the objectification of women to promote meatless eating.

As Feministing points out, using objectified women to sell meat is nothing new. [Here’s one of my favorite examples, a Carl’s Jr. commercial starring Paris Hilton, a hose, a car, a bucket of suds and a hamburger.] But apparently animal-rights activists, vegetarian organizations and vegan organizations exploit the same tropes as well. For example, here’s a commercial from the super-nutball, super-sexist PETA in which Alicia Silverstone comes out of a pool, naked, in slow motion. Somehow, this sells vegetarianism. In a press release about Eva Mendes posing naked for their “Fur? I’d rather go naked!” campaign, PETA, unsurprisingly enough, calls Mendes “one of Hollywood’s sexiest leading ladies,” “a regular red-carpet knock-out” and, just for some useless “hot-blooded Hispanic” stereotyping, a “sexy Latina.” The print text makes it clear that Mendes does not appear as someone you should pay attention to because she decided to abjure fur out of compassion or humanism or rational decision-making. You should pay attention to her because she’s glamorous and attractive, and she doesn’t wear fur, and do you YOU want to be just as glamorous and attractive as she is? PETA, while supplying my two examples, ain’t the only offender of such sexist, objectifying bullshit. See the Feministing entry for details about a vegan strip club [???!!] and the group Vegan Vixens [????!!!!].

Ann Friedman, post author, sums up the screwiness: “[U]sing the “ideal” female body type — something men want and women want to be — as an incentive to go vegan…is deeply fucked up, especially because there are dozens of real, compelling reasons to switch to a vegan lifestyle — none of them based on sexist bullshit.” 

P.S.: Here’s a super special bonus article from Salon, analyzing the misogynist, objectifying tactics of the popular Skinny Bitch “secret vegan ambush” cookbook.

Today’s word: “vegangelical”

Today’s word: “vegangelical” published on 4 Comments on Today’s word: “vegangelical”

I just came across the word “vegangelical” in an New York Times article about dietary differences among couples.

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/13/dining/13incompatible.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

Here’s the relevant quote:

Dynise Balcavage, 42, an associate creative director at an advertising agency and vegan who lives in Philadelphia, said she has been happily married to her omnivorous husband, John Gatti, 53, for seven years.

“We have this little dance we’ve choreographed in the kitchen,” she said. She prepares vegan meals and averts her eyes when he adds anchovies or cheese. And she does not show disapproval when he orders meat in a restaurant.

“I’m not a vegangelical,” she said. “He’s an adult and I respect his choices just as he respects mine.”

A “vegangelical” is a zealous vegan who wants to convert others to his or her dietary habits. It’s a clever neologism for a certain subset of those who practice veganism.

Some history books online

Some history books online published on 1 Comment on Some history books online

Questia is an online library where you can mark up books, create citations, take notes, etc. Here’s a sampling of some of the available material, centering, of course, on my own interests. The second book in the list wins the award for Best Scholarly Book Title Ever. Off to abuse a 72-hour free trial subscription now….

Schooled to Order: A Social History of Public Schooling in the United States http://www.questia.com/PM.qst?a=o&d=61723639#

Sex in Middlesex: Popular Mores in a Massachusetts County, 1649-1699 http://www.questia.com/read/98444963

Bound to Please: A History of the Victorian Corset http://www.questia.com/read/103800495

Back after a five-month absence!

Back after a five-month absence! published on 2 Comments on Back after a five-month absence!

I finally went to doll club today with Will and Sardonix. Will’s clothes reached a new sartorial nadir of horrible fabulousness; I never knew I could create such staggering amounts of fashion-related weirdness with a limited number of items. He also got a new wig from Volks SD Kun, a brownish, ex-blond long straight cut. For once in her life, Sardonix kept quiet and didn’t cause any trouble, probably because she was too busy stabbing things with her Vengeance Unicorn.

Sardonix says, “Don’t interrupt me while I’m stabbing a mime in the back!”

Volks Yo-SD Ann looking nauseatingly cute in a little birdy outfit. I forget who her owner is.

Will showing off his new wig and borrowed bear hat. Does it complement his leopard print?

Another classy pose in front of the paper towel dispenser. Hat from Tensiya [I think] + leopard print from Soom + lace thingy from DollMore + custom vinyl skirt by DOA artist + black-and-white stripey socks [not shown] = fashion disaster.

Bodily instability

Bodily instability published on No Comments on Bodily instability

Over the past 4 years [ack, has it been that long?], Will has been one of the most physically instable characters of mine. He started off as a default Sideshow Toy general edition Spike 12″ doll. Then I put a custom resin sculpt of James Marsters on the same body. Then I went to a Dragon body with CG ankle cups so he could wear high heels. Then I tried to make him a skinny hybrid body, and he was on a weird early Medicom body for a while. Then I got him a modern, shorter Medicom body. Plus I resculpted his hair about 4 times during that period; it went from the default greasy comb-back, to a poofy comb-back, to a meringue-like sort of mess, to a modified bowl cut. I also repainted him about 5 times, each time making his skin paler and his makeup darker.

After the 1:6 modern Medicom body broke, I put the 1:6 Will in storage. Then I got my 1:3 Will.

Then he went digital in October, 2007. Since then, he’s gone through 4 reconstructions from scratch and countless textures [or paint jobs]. I need to do a slideshow of him through time in the same way that I collected a bunch of photos of my Frank doll[s].

Rug…Tiger…Pants…What?

Rug…Tiger…Pants…What? published on 1 Comment on Rug…Tiger…Pants…What?

“It’s nice to have a girl around the house. Though she was a tiger lady, our hero didn’t have to fire a shot to floor her.

After one look at his Mr. Leggs slacks, she was ready to have him walk all over her. That noble styling sure soothes the savage heart! If you’d like your own doll-to-doll carpeting, hunt up a pair of these he-man Mr. Leggs slacks. Such as our new automatic wash/wear blend of 65% Dacron and 35% Rayon — incomparably wrinkle-resistant. About $12.95 at plush-carpeted stores.”

The depressingly literal illustration of the above 1970s ad copy is below.

Let’s see. Woman as uncivilized, incoherent, domineering animal? Check. Male/female relationships as conquest and dominance? Check. Woman as inherently submissive and masochistic in contrast to man as inherently dominant and sadistic? Check.  Woman as shallow and manipulated by physical appearance? Check. Man as superior? Check. Woman as object? Check. Implications of non-consensual sex with another person? Check. Implications of sex with animals? Check.

This whole ad makes me envision walking around on a floor paved with Barbies dressed in leopard print. It also makes me think of “These boots are made for walking…” It also makes me think of Pushing Up Daisies, in which the main character, who can resurrect dead things by touching them, had the misfortune to have a romantic tryst on a bearskin rug, which, of course, turned back into a bear and wrought havoc. [Exit, pursued by a bear…]

Seriously, though, this ad appears to me as a disturbingly convincing illustration of a woman’s nightmare: immobilized by headless corporate man, deflated and reduced of all strength, humiliated and objectified.

P.S. I am trying to discern the woman’s expression, but the photo is too small for me to tell. Any clues?

“If your husband finds out you haven’t been store-testing coffee…”

“If your husband finds out you haven’t been store-testing coffee…” published on 2 Comments on “If your husband finds out you haven’t been store-testing coffee…”

…Then kinky sex results??!?!?!?!? I swear that this picture looks like what happens after the very end of Secretary, when Maggie Gyllenhaal’s character puts a bug in James Spader’s character’s book [?] specifically for the purpose of provoking a BDSM scenario of “punishment” later. I say this because the scenario looks so obviously staged [notice how neatly the woman’s hair is styled], and she appears to be faking a look of distress while actually smiling. I found this ad on the community vintage_ads, which contains boundless beautiful examples of the art used to sell things.

 

She’s SMIRKING at me!

She’s SMIRKING at me! published on 3 Comments on She’s SMIRKING at me!

Ergo, I cannot resist. Tinybear over on DOA is now selling her own line of mini BJDs, the latest additions being Coco and Bon Bon. They are 6″ high with mature bodies, as opposed to the childlike bodies of most tinies. Their figures are truly Reubenesque, which is more than I can say for most scrawny or overly muscled BJDs. I have my eye set on
Bon Bon, shown at right in this photo. Coco may be more conventionally pretty, but Bon Bon has such a great rubbery little face and a Pre-Raphaelite mouth. She looks like Drew Barrymore, only better. I want one!! Watch this space because I will probably have one soon enough.

What the fzork?

What the fzork? published on No Comments on What the fzork?

Why are my comics coming out crappy when I use the [supposedly] non-crappy program? After experimenting with Comic Life, I appreciate its flexibility in panel design, but that’s about it. 

Here’s what I DON’T appreciate:

The display window doesn’t show the comic at a large enough size; you can’t change the default path where Comic Life looks for pictures; I keep dragging around the actual panels when all I want to do is move the picture inside the panel; Comic Life doesn’t remember my last font color, size and weight settings, requiring instead some pain-in-the-ass style sheets; fonts all render as if they’ve been typed by a threadbare ribbon; and the margins for balloon text overcompensate for the huge ones in Comic Book Creator by being non-existent. 

Well, okay, I eventually beat the style sheets into submission, and I’m sure I could probably lock the panels [in fact, I know I can], but I can’t customize the program’s display. I can’t customize Comic Book Creator’s display either, but the interface makes more sense to me than Comic Life’s.

I was seriously going to switch over to Comic Life, but I de-constituted the strips I had made with it and reconstituted them back over in the stupid program [Comic Book Creator]. I’m seriously annoyed and frustrated and wondering what to do….

Have an ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS day!!!

Have an ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS day!!! published on No Comments on Have an ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS day!!!

With Technicolor sunshine and birdies on your shoulders and perfectly marcelled hair and rocket cone boobies and MORE GAIETY THAN YOU CAN STAND! How? Drink Ovaltine. I think I feel a SONG coming on… Well, something’s coming, anyway….

Caution: Ovaltine causes “sparkling morning freshness.” Use at your own risk. The manufacturers are not responsible for any Busby Berkeley-inspired set pieces that may spontaneously break out after using this product.

Did you know that “thousands” are drinking Ovaltine every night? So that’s how the queer agenda recruits….

If a skirt doesn’t cover your underwear…

If a skirt doesn’t cover your underwear… published on 3 Comments on If a skirt doesn’t cover your underwear…

Can it still be called a skirt? I dunno. Ask Will. Here he is in the Gothic Doll top mentioned earlier with a modified triple-tier skirt. I would tell him to put some pants on, but he might hit me with his coffin box. This outfit reminds me of a lot of what is available for BJDs.

Lovely digital clothes

Lovely digital clothes published on No Comments on Lovely digital clothes

For G Style, I’m especially enamored of the subtle puffs and flares on the jacket sleeves. Very smart.

For Goth Dress, I like the oversized cuffs, and I’m a sucker for short layered skirts.

I’m drawn to Gothic Velvet because of the dynamic and detailed presentation, not to mention the shoes that have straps AND buckles AND spikes AND kitten heels AND shiny shiny patent leather. Also this outfit comes with a set of pornographically gravity-defying ponytails.

For Gothic Doll, I like the more subtle work of the patterns and black and white, but what I really have a crush on is that coffin purse. Will needs it…preferably in hot pink vinyl with black trim.

For Magical Girl, I like the repeating petal motif plus bats. Bats are always in style.

“I put on my makeup, turn up the eight-track…”

“I put on my makeup, turn up the eight-track…” published on No Comments on “I put on my makeup, turn up the eight-track…”

Why yes, those are curly-toed shoes…and bellbottom pants slit halfway up the legs…and a pimp hat with feathers in it…along with a host of body straps and a pink vinyl vest…not to mention the ubiquitous corset. You can’t tell this from my dolls of Will, but Will almost always wears a corset, a fact that I finally get to represent. It’s not merely decorative; it actually squishes, but he doesn’t care because he doesn’t have to breathe. If I were more accurate, I would show him with an actual very narrow waist, much more dandy-like, but I’m too lazy right now, so look at this instead.

I finally figured out where Will’s fashion inspiration comes from. He’s a vampire, so he’s marginalized from the dominant culture and its conceptions of clothes as utlilitarian objects that should conform to certain rules. Ever since he was a dandy before his death, he has always been interested in clothes more as social currency, body language and extravagant decoration. As he mentions elsewhere, one of his idols in this regard was, of course, Oscar Wilde. Therefore, he continues in the same tradition of dandyism now, but not in a classical, fashionable, well-tailored sense. He’s playing. He should stop worrying about his writer’s block and realize that he has other forms of artistic creativity.

Oh, by the way, this is probably what his hair would look like if he would stop combing it back like some 75-year-old balding guy. I think he looks much cuter with his hair down and ragged; it softens his skeletal face and adds to his androgyny.

Happy Chinese New Year from Chow and Baozha!

Happy Chinese New Year from Chow and Baozha! published on 1 Comment on Happy Chinese New Year from Chow and Baozha!

I got a beautiful digital Chinese dragon today, and I was going to throw together a quick comic of Chow and Baozha remarking over it, but I got lazy, so here’s the picture.

Baozha: “Holy fuck, it’s a flying lizard! Get my gun!”

Chow: “As your father, I forbid you to murder the embodiment of good fortune!”

Baozha: “Good fortune my ass! Quick…before he bites your head off!”

Chow: “I will do no such thing! Unlike those greedy monsters of European lore, dragons from my culture are actually a good omen.”

Baozha: “What sort of good omen has four-inch fangs?!!”

Body of Book by Rachel Hadas

Body of Book by Rachel Hadas published on No Comments on Body of Book by Rachel Hadas

A warm, dense poem, like going to sleep after reading, and then dreaming about oneself in another body. Smells like a villanelle, though it ain’t one. Gives new meaning to the term body language. Also, think of the bookbinding terms that take human metaphors, like “spine” and “jacket” and “joint” and “head” and “tail.”

Rabbits do what???

Rabbits do what??? published on 2 Comments on Rabbits do what???

Guess what I just learned about rabbits’ digestive and excretory systems today?

Rabbits are herbivorous, a diet that gives them two challenges: first, they eat a lot of undigestible cellulose and, second, they consume lots of nutrients and minerals that they cannot digest in one go-round.

Rabbits have digestive systems built to cope with the rigors of their herbivorous diet. They have an extra-large caecum and very specialized shit. The caecum is a pouch connected to the ascending colon of the large intestine. In carnivores and ominovres [like Homo sapiens], the caecum is small in size and often replaced by an appendix. In herbivores, however, the caecum is frequently large and populated by bacteria that help the animal draw nutrients out from its food. Anyway, the caecum in rabbits helps them to separate the nutrients from the cellulose.

Rabbits do not need the cellulose, so they crap it out in hard waste pellets. They do, however, need the condensed nutrients that the caecum has separated out from the actual waste. So they have another form of shit in which they expel these nutrients in soft, partially digested form. Then they eat it, usually when they are hidden in their burrows during the day. This time, they can gain access to the nutrients.

I thought only certain types of bugs were coprophages. I was wrong. Pigs, hamsters and gorillas also eat shit, but obviously the gorilla has a different type of digestive system than the rabbit. Interestingly enough, the young of certain animals, such as hippos, elephants, pandas and koalas, eat their mom’s shit to bring necessary digestive enzymes into their sterile digestive systems.

I’m having a very hard time seeing coprophagia as anything less than unsanitary, unhealthy and distasteful, even though it’s obviously a highly beneficial adaptation for some species mentioned above.

Coprophagia: the usually unconsidered biological implication of a rabbit therianthrope. Create transgenic humans [or rabbits] with care. 

Disclaimer: Before anyone tells me, “Well, duhhhh, haven’t you ever seen a pet rabbit eat shit?” let me remind you that I never grew up with animals, except for some extremely dull fish, and, aside from having a cat for a few years recently, I have no experience with domesticated animals.

I got a Deviant Art account…

I got a Deviant Art account… published on No Comments on I got a Deviant Art account…

 …primarily to bother other artists when new eps of LHF come out. I refuse to put pictures over there because they have some mushy TOS that could possibly construed as them saying they have the rights to stuff you put on the site. Anyway, this is me if you want to bookmark me or track me or do whatever the hell it is deviants do over there.

All clotheshorses need more clothes.

All clotheshorses need more clothes. published on No Comments on All clotheshorses need more clothes.

 Butterfly Dress http://www.morphography.uk.vu/dlbutterfly.html

Basketball shoes http://www.poserworld.com/Downloads/Victoria.3/1.aspx

Pedal pushers http://www.poserworld.com/Downloads/Victoria.3/12.aspx

Chelsea G2 Sydney http://www.poserworld.com/Downloads/G2.Female/9219/Chelsea.aspx

Bubbles A3 http://www.poserworld.com/Downloads/Aiko.3/9206/Bubbles.for.Aiko.3.aspx

Romantic dress V2 http://www.poserworld.com/Downloads/Victoria.1.2/9787/Romantic.Era.Dress.aspx

Coat with polo neck V2 http://www.poserworld.com/Downloads/Victoria.1.2/9751/Coat.with.polo.neck.for.Victoria.2.aspx

Morning coat M3 http://www.poserworld.com/Downloads/Michael.3/10571/Morning.coat.for.Michael.3.aspx

Trouser suit P4 fem http://www.poserworld.com/Downloads/P4.Female/9544/Pleat.suit.aspx

Disco outfit P4 man http://www.poserworld.com/Downloads/P4.Male/9256/Disco.dude.aspx

More free clothes to get

More free clothes to get published on No Comments on More free clothes to get

Summer Days Jacket http://www.runtimedna.com/mod/filelib/index.php?Start=131&section_id=19

Pinky Dress http://www.runtimedna.com/mod/filelib/index.php?Start=371&section_id=19

Gauntlets http://www.runtimedna.com/mod/filelib/index.php?Start=381&section_id=19

Off-The-Shoulder and Platform Boots http://www.runtimedna.com/mod/filelib/index.php?Start=391&section_id=19

Chained Piercings [convert] http://www.runtimedna.com/mod/filelib/index.php?Start=441&section_id=19

Fairy Tales and Lassie of the Seas http://www.renderosity.com/mod/freestuff/index.php?user_id=29204

Sci Fi Suit http://www.renderosity.com/mod/freestuff/index.php?user_id=379674

Maya Doll clothes http://www.3digitalcrafts.net/studiomaya/1download/mdb/index.html

install and convert Aiko Gothic

Bye bye, Ebay.

Bye bye, Ebay. published on 3 Comments on Bye bye, Ebay.

I’ve been a member of Ebay for about 9 and a half  years. When in college, I used it to buy lesbian pulp fiction. Later on, I got lots of 1:6 goodies there. Most recently, I’ve used it as a source for DVDs and BJD stuff. With the recent policy change, though, I’m through. I haven’t been using the site in months, and I certainly don’t want to buy or sell on an auction site that won’t allow me as a seller to leave negative feedback for buyers! I, and many other members of the Ebay community, find this insulting and detrimental, and we’re leaving. I’m never using the auction part of the site again, although I’ve never had problems with half.com, so I’m keeping my account there.

Will finally has an appropriate digital wardrobe.

Will finally has an appropriate digital wardrobe. published on 1 Comment on Will finally has an appropriate digital wardrobe.

I’ve been trying for years to dress my representations of Will appropriately.

When I worked with my 1:6 plastic versions, his broad chest prevented me from putting him in women’s skimpy tops, and his hips were too wide for most skirts, even though I body-modded him several times. My 1:3 version’s clothes are prohibitively expensive, and he’s a non-standard size of doll [scrawny, 80 cm], so I’m just making due with large, loose, flowy blouses and skirts for smaller female dolls. Any early digital versions of Will, such as pixel doll versions or Meez avatars, failed because, for some reason, there were no options to dress your male avs in corsets and microminiskirts. >:

My first version of Will in Daz looked way too much like a boringly dressed man…until I discovered CrossDresser, that is. While beneficial for certain items, CrossDresser doesn’t work very well at flattening the chest area of tops designed for curvaceous women. Also CrossDresser doesn’t include morphs [body shaping] in the clothes, so I was left with converted dresses that had saggy cleavage and which were too wide for my skeletal Will.

Anyway, then I tried moving Will from a Michael 3 base to a Victoria 3 base so he’d fit in the dresses and heels better.  As a result, he fit into all the bottoms okay, but his upper body was a disaster. Apparently you can either have an emaciated female V3 or a non-emaciated male V3, but you can’t have a convincing emaciated male V3 because the breast area starts puckering inward. [See the first panel here where Will is wearing a second-skin outfit that is essentially “painted” onto his body.] Even though I now have a more sophisticated clothing converter than CrossDresser [Wardrobe Wizard 2], converted dresses still imploded in the chest area if I wanted to fit them to my emaciated and male V3 based character. Arrrrrrgh!

Because I liked Will’s head as developed on a V3 base, I didn’t want to recreate him YET AGAIN on a male model. So, recently, I just did a head swap where I put his V3 head on the body of yet another male figure, not Michael 3, but David. While Michael 3 is blocky and stupid-looking, David, though more petite, has a smoother, more realistic shape that responds to deformation better. Plus he doesn’t have any chest protuberances to contend with, so I was able to create a long, scrawny, body with a sunken chest and no squinching around the [non-existent] boobs. Hooray!

After creating the latest version of Will out of a V3/David hybrid, I worked hard last night and the night before running clothes through Wardrobe Wizard 2 and fitting them to Will. I crunched just about everything in my runtimes that he could possibly be interested in, then went out and downloaded at least 20 free pieces of clothing, which I converted just for him. Just as I have bags of 1:6 clothing sorted by Short Skirts, Corsets, Scanties, Pleather, Jeans, etc., so I now have folders of converted digital clothing, all for Will, with names like Corsets, DressesandSkirts, Pants, Tops, etc. And they all fit, and there’s no squinching at the chest, and he finally looks like an androgynous guy wearing women’s clothing, rather than a non-androgynous guy wearing plate armor developed for a woman. Jubilation! Exultation! Exhilaration! Defenestration! :p I shold have pictures tonight; I know all 1.5 of you are waiting on the edge of your seats.

Now that I’ve run almost everything I have for Will through the wringer so that it actually fits him, I realize a few things. 

1.) Goddamn — this is exactly what I have wanted to do for years: convert one fig’s clothing to another so that I can make truly atrocious and fashionless outfits without being hindered by the outfit’s original designs. 

2.) Will needs more clothes…and more make-up. This is a guy who probably beats the movie version of Jareth the Goblin King in Labyrinth for frequency of wardrobe and facepaint changes. I need to have at least 3 times as many clothing options and makeup options as I think I will use.

3.) I just realized that I filmed two non-consecutive eps of LHF already in which Will was wearing the same makeup twice. This is an inexcusable lapse that I must correct by changing his makeup and redoing the second ep.

“Charles Atlas says he can give me a REAL body, all right!”

“Charles Atlas says he can give me a REAL body, all right!” published on 2 Comments on “Charles Atlas says he can give me a REAL body, all right!”

While clicking around, I discovered a site by Seanbaby devoted to those bizarre, grainy ads on the back of comic books. I remember, for example, this Charles Atlas ad, this very same one, from a childhood comic book. As soon as I rediscovered it on Seanbaby’s site, I immediately thought two things:

1. That ad struck me as poorly drawn, hokey, outmoded and a big fat lie when I first saw it around age 7.

2. Richard O’Brien didn’t have to push very far to make a parody of the Charles Atlas campaign when he wrote I Can Make You A Man for Rocky Horror. In fact, the ad copy here uses many phrases that show up, barely altered, in that song. I am, however, surprised that Richard O’Brien’s lyrics didn’t use some of the screamingly homoerotic subtext in such phrases as “Do you feel soft, frail skinny, or flabby, only HALF-ALIVE?” and “You want the Greek god type of physique…that makes other fellows green with envy.”

Zero Punctuation Flash comic gaming reviews

Zero Punctuation Flash comic gaming reviews published on No Comments on Zero Punctuation Flash comic gaming reviews

Ben Croshaw does snarky reviews of video games by making simple Flash animations combined with snarky narration. You don’t have to know anything about video games to find this shit hilarious, but you do need to be able to follow a high rate of speech, since he talks very fast. Go watch mini-eps of Zero Punctuation now.

Coloreria Italiana ad for fabric dye

Coloreria Italiana ad for fabric dye published on 2 Comments on Coloreria Italiana ad for fabric dye

When I saw this ad linked over at Feministing, my brain crunched, stopped and blew a few circuits of sheer incredulity that such sexist, racist, ageist bigotry could actually make it to the screen. 

Basically it concerns a young Caucasian woman doing laundry in the basement of her home. She is approached by a hairy, mid-40s [?] Caucasian guy in briefs and tube socks [hahahah] who approaches her with leering confidence. He obviously thinks he is sexy, but she does not because she shoves him head-first in the laundry machine [!]. In case it’s not shocking enough that she assaults him, she sits on the shaking washing, pinning him inside, despite his cries of pain. 

When the washer stops shaking, the woman opens the lid. Out comes a hairless, mid-20s [?] African man. Both the man and the woman look at each other in stupefied mutual admiration. The man flexes his arm muscles as the legend appears on the screen: “Coloreria Italiana. Coloured is better.” 

WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA, HUH? I don’t know about you, but if I’m approached by a leering man when I’m doing laundry in my residential building, I’m bound to panic, assuming that I’m about to be raped by an intruding pervert. [EDIT: It has come to my attention that the man could be interpreted as the woman’s husband.]

Well, dropping the literal interpretation, the leering man in his skivvies is obviously a concretized metaphor for undyed clothing. The man thinks he’s hot shit, but his extremely geeky underwear [knee socks, hah hah, the only funny thing about this spot], his excessive chest hair and his male pattern baldness say otherwise. Furthermore, the woman doing the laundry clearly ain’t impressed with him. Okay, fine, I can partly buy the symbolism of nerdy guy = undyed cloth.

The metaphorical significance falls apart, however, by the sheer violence of the assault in the next portion of the clip. You could say the woman throwing the man into the washer is so absurd that it just highlights the metaphorical freight of the commercial [into the washer goes the undyed fabric]. However, the commercial undercuts its metaphor by using highly non-metaphorical sounds of struggle and cries of pain from the man inside the washer. It is impossible for me to think that the woman threw undyed CLOTHES in the washer because the supposed symbol for the CLOTHES is acting in the way that any HUMAN BEING would if he had been pitched into a tumbling device and tortured. Yes, tortured. The obviously HUMAN sounds of struggle and pain override the equivalence between man and undyed clothes and make him a HUMAN BEING undergoing ASSAULT, which completely derails my attention.

As if the graphic violence weren’t enough, the end results are just as disturbing. Why is the black guy smiling so peacefully after having just bounced around in a machine that caused the white guy obvious physical distress? Why is the black guy about 20 years younger than the white guy who went in the washer? Why is he black in the first place? Why is he so desirable [as connoted by the white woman’s lustful glances] in contrast to the white guy? WHAT THE HELL?

So, to recap, a young, white, generically attractive woman shoves an older, white, supposedly unattractive man in a washer. Out comes a young, black, generically attractive man. How many biases can one cram into a single commercial? You’ve got sexism in the assumption that laundry is women’s work. You’ve also got sexism in the portrayal of guys as objects you can toss into the laundry and simply “clean up” to fit your fantasy of what they should be like. You’ve got ageism in the assumption that the older guy is undesireable. You’ve got heterosexism in the fact that the clothes are symbolized by various types of guys whose ultimate goal is to gain the woman’s desire. And you’ve got that old chestnut of racism in which the white male is seen as unfashionable, undesirable, deluded, weak and probably impotent, while the black male is seen as sexy, strong, highly desirable and full of “raw animal magnetism.” As a comment on  Feministing noted, it’s a “rare trifecta” of racism, sexism and xenophobia.

There’s another commercial in the same series that makes the bias even more apparent. In this commercial, the older white guy from the first commercial is reading a porno about busty black young women jumping out of washers. A non-busty young white woman, connoted as homely, comes down to do her laundry. She and the man share looks of disgust. She confiscates his magazine. He glances at the magazine, lying on the floor so that you can clearly see a busty black woman jumping out of a washer, and then he throws the young non-busty non-black woman into the washer.

As the man sits on the washer, waiting, the non-busty non-black woman struggles, cries and bangs around inside the washer. Her protests diminish, however. The man on the washer rubs his hands together in anticipation of a young busty black woman. When he opens the washer, the same young hairless black guy from the first commercial comes out. He and the white man look at each other with puzzlement. The commercial ends by saying “Coloreria Italiana: What Women Want.” Racism, sexism, xenophobia and homophobia ensue.

This is an ad that ran in Italy for an Italian product. I understand that there are different levels of what’s acceptable in the media in different cultures, but this series of commercials is blowing my mind for ANY country.

Another free modeling app

Another free modeling app published on No Comments on Another free modeling app

It looks like CB Model Pro operates on the same relatively easy system that Poser magnets  and DAZ D-Forms do, only with more sophistication. Perhaps this is the free modeling app that I’ve been looking for — one that allows me to make organic and industrial shapes relatively quickly?

Comic Life for Windows

Comic Life for Windows published on 1 Comment on Comic Life for Windows

Plasq finally made a Windows version of its sexy comic creation software, Comic Life. I’ll have to inspect the trial version. If it’s better than my limited Comic Book Creator, I’ll go for it….

EDIT: Comic Life allows you to customize your own page templates, a feature that Comic Book Creator does not have. It also has a greater variety of vectorized speech balloons, including thought bubbles… This looks promising.

“Traumatics thick and fast:” goddamned “reality” shows

“Traumatics thick and fast:” goddamned “reality” shows published on 2 Comments on “Traumatics thick and fast:” goddamned “reality” shows

While watching/listening to some eps of Crowned, a mother/daughter pageant competition “reality” show, I realize all over again how screamingly manipulated these so-called “reality” shows are. If there’s an interview that appears before a suspenseful contest, that interview probably occurred way after said event. If there’s an interview where someone seems to make a nasty comment about someone else, that could have been taken out of context where someone was talking about a passing annoyance, rather than a deep animosity…or the interviewee could have been talking about the food served on the set, rather than any one person.

And the actual narration heightens the tension by making everything superlative, either positively or negatively. If there is a supervisor of a competition, the supervisor is the MOST talented and MOST well-renowned and MOST qualified, according to the announcer. If there are awards, they are the MOST significant and the MOST expensive. Of course, if there’s an elimination, it’s always the most TRAUMATIC event ever, DEVASTATING to the losers, STUPENDOUS to the winners. Thus, tension and suspense are artificially created and maintained. Don’t get me started on the sappy music, which spells out what viewers should feel [“Feel sad DAMMIT! FEEL SAD!!!!”].

Also don’t get me started on the manufactured cattiness of Crowned, the lascivious camera angles, the enforced ditziness, the “cabana boys,” the lisping gay stereotypes, the profusion of male “experts” who for some reason supposedly know more about pageant stuff than the women who are actually in the pageants…

There’s no indictment of pageant culture here because there’s no real expose of it here. It’s just a purely formulaic “reality” show that shows the threadbare nature of the “reality” plots.

P.S. The quote is from Sweet Head by David Bowie: “Traumatics thick and fast / Your faith in me can last / Besides I’m known to lay you, one and all!!”

Nemu Nemu: recommended Web comic

Nemu Nemu: recommended Web comic published on 1 Comment on Nemu Nemu: recommended Web comic

I just found a slight, charming Web comic to share with you: Nemu Nemu, about the adventures of two 10-year-old girls and their pets, two living stuffed animal dogs who talk.  The strips don’t have individual punchlines; rather, they knit together to form a story about Anise, Kana and the stuffed doggies. I like this strip for its simplicity, especially the streamlined style of drawing which, with just a few well-placed lines, accurately captures the energy and enthusiasm of the characters. I also like the aimable, rambling nature of its slice-of-life chronicles. 

EDIT: The Nemu Nemu characters get BJDS and, like most owners, take pictures of the shipping box, otherwise known as box porn. 

EDIT 2: And this is how many doll owners think of their dolls: as silent friends.

Publicizing LHF…Help please!

Publicizing LHF…Help please! published on 2 Comments on Publicizing LHF…Help please!

 These are my ideas so far for publicizing LHF. Does anyone have any more?

biz cards
updates here
updates at Daz boards
upload to Renderosity
Deviant Art account and updates there
LJ feed
announce at Men With Dolls :p
lovehasfangs.com domain
Vampires do it in cold blood T-shirts
transcripts at ohnorobot.com
ads on other Web comics [hmmmmm…]
those goddamned comics rating sites
get interviewed for Web sites
tables at Arisia and Anime Boston [scary!]

Some books for LHF research

Some books for LHF research published on No Comments on Some books for LHF research

Avenues to Adulthood: Origins of the High School and Social Mobility in an American Suburb (Cambridge, Eng.: Cambridge University Press, 1987) by Reed Ueda. It talks about Somerville High School during the period when Will would have gone. Apparently a bitch to get a hold of used….

Intimate Matters: A History of Sexuality in America by John D’Emilio and Estelle Freedman. Because I need some more information about precolonial and colonial life.

Not a centaur, but still crushworthy

Not a centaur, but still crushworthy published on No Comments on Not a centaur, but still crushworthy

Several years back, Twigling made an equine girl custom CG 1.0/PB hybrid [I think] with articulated horse legs and a little tail and floppy horse ears and a custom dappled paint job. Now that Twigling is cleaning out her house, she is selling the horse girl to me. I haven’t received her yet, but below you can see some pictures of the cuteness I will be receiving eventually. 

I like most the loose and messy aesthetic at work in her slightly uneven paint job, unhemmed clothes and uncombed hair. She looks like she’s been running around on the moors. And see her little ears poking out from her hair? Also she has a smirk, which endears her to me. Not to mention her voluptuous, muscular thighs…

 

“Beware of Japanese waitress bearing fortune cookie.”

“Beware of Japanese waitress bearing fortune cookie.” published on No Comments on “Beware of Japanese waitress bearing fortune cookie.”

At the end of one of the Pink Panther movies, Inspector Clouseau is dining at a Japanese restaurant when the server hands him something on a tray. It is a fortune cookie, which contains the following message: “Beware of Japanese waitress bearing fortune cookie.” Being completely oblivious, he takes a while to realize that he should have paid attention to the very person who gave him the fortune cookie. Meanwhile, the “Japanese waitress bearing fortune cookie” turns out to be Clouseau’s assistant, Cato, who takes every opportunity to ambush Clouseau to keep his self-defense techniques up to snuff. Cato attacks Clouseau. A melee ensues. And…curtain.

Beyond the stock comedic elements of drag, slapstick and food fights, this scene also depends on the viewer’s familiarity with fortune cookies. As presented in this country, fortune cookies are a phenomenon strictly associated with Chinese restaurants. Your average American probably thinks of fortune cookies as a Chinese invention, rather than a Japanese one, which is why “Japanese waitress bearing fortune cookie” is incongruous and therefore funny.

However, fortune cookies really are Japanese in origin, argues researcher Yasuko Nakamachi. Years of painstaking research into the fortune cookie trail have convinced her that the ubiquitous dessert of American Chinese takeout restaurants actually first began in shrine-side Japanese bakeries, where the wafers were hand-cooked over open coals. Reports of these Japanese fortune-cookie ancestors date back almost 200 years in literature and illustrations. Go read the article for speculation about how Japanese temple wafers hopped the ocean to California and somehow developed into a quintessentially American institution that was firmly associated with Chinese cuisine. 

And don’t tell me you didn’t learn anything today.

Do you have questions about my dollses?

Do you have questions about my dollses? published on 3 Comments on Do you have questions about my dollses?

If so, fire away. This is about my BJDs only. Questions about the characters’ personalities, dolls’ construction and decoration, expenses, etc. welcomed. My BJDs are…

Frank, a Volks Yukinojo head on a DollMore Model Doll body with TwigLimbs arms, painted by me

Jareth, a modified Dollshe SA Haund, mods and faceup by Armeleia

Jennifer, an Obitsu Friend Gretel, all default

Sardonix, a Delf Juri 06 head on a modded ShinyDoll Thaasa body, mods by elisa_maza, faceup by me

Will, a Soom Sabik I.B. Hunter, default faceup accentuated by me

 

My Fake Baby: British reborn doll documentary

My Fake Baby: British reborn doll documentary published on No Comments on My Fake Baby: British reborn doll documentary

Hmmm…interesting. Commentary later. 

LATER: I’m rather annoyed by the narration’s tendency to overdetermine the women’s experience by addressing the reborn dolls as if they are actual children, rather than dolls. From what I can see so far, owners of reborn dolls range in their reasons for owning and playing with reborn dolls, just in the same manner that people own and play with any other type of dolls [duh], from action figs to Barbies to RealDolls to 3-D models. The very title of the docu, My Fake Baby, sensationalizes the reborn doll interest as a pathological baby substitute for old woman with empty aching wombs, but, if you investigate the docu closely, you’ll see the dolls functioning as much more than kiddy substitutes.

I’m particularly interested by the woman in the first segment who freely admits that the reborn dolls fulfill her fantasy of having an odorless, docile, troublefree substitute for a child. She says that she likes kids, but she clearly likes the concept of kids, their cuteness from a distance, rather than the actual mess and responsibility. I’m not going to fault her for this ambivalence about children, and I would like to note that she’s rather pragmatic about her interest in reborn dolls. She has an idea of the psychological functions they have in her life, and she treats them like they’re real, but she knows they’re dolls. This is how most people I know play with dolls; they talk to them as if they are real, but they do know that the dolls are dolls, albeit heavily freighted with symbolic value. Despite the film’s attempt to make her come across as some sort of unhinged weirdo swaddled in the pink gauze of unreal baby fantasies, she actually appears to me as a relatively well-hinged doll owner whose major challenge is her obvious dissociation from any real-life experience involving kids.

I really like the artist in the first segment who paints the reborn dolls. She gets into the technical details and allows viewers to see that making one of these dolls is no different from any other detailed artistic endeavor. At the same time, the artist also knows that reborn dolls have a special affective power because they look like babies, which we are all programmed to respond protectively toward, and she cannily exploits the natural human interest in small Homo sapiens with her advertising techniques. She apparently goes out into public with her wares and gets people to do double-takes, then hands them business cards. She respects the emotive power that the dolls have for people and that people use the dolls for various emotional purposes, but she also has a straightforward view that she uses the dolls to make a living. Despite the paternalistic narration of the documentary, the artist also comes across as sane and average.

P.S. I’m never really impressed by the caliber of YouTube commenters, but I would like to point out that some of the commenters think that the reborn doll owners are insane because they talk as if the dolls are alive and because they spend lots of money on them. Oh good God! Just because someone treats an inanimate object as if it is alive, that is not automatically grounds for insanity. For just a few examples of the general populace treating inanimate objects as if they are alive, look at someone who gets angry at a rock after tripping over it, the loving personification that car owners may give to their cars, or the antagonism many people direct toward their electronic devices. Rather than being pathological, personification is more like an innate human tendency. There are pathological extremes of personification, to be sure, but I don’t see that any of these doll owners are manifesting it.

As for the argument that spending a lot of money on something means that someone is insane, that is just a different way of saying, “I cannot fathom what you are spending money on, so you must be nuts.” It’s not even worth a serious rebuttal, since it’s just a value judgment.

In today’s Totally Awesome category…

In today’s Totally Awesome category… published on No Comments on In today’s Totally Awesome category…

…please marvel at the music video for Dionysos’ Tais Toi Mon Coeur. Just in case you couldn’t figure it out from the associated pictures, Tais Toi Mon Coeur is French for, literally, Be Quiet, My Heart. In the dismissive, bouncy tone of the song, it can better be translated as Fuck Off, Heart. The animation reminds me of Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride or The Nightmare Before Christmas. It looks like it’s acted out by Victorian automatons. The general ambiance smells like Poe or Baudelaire, with that sort of cheer in gloominess. For some reason, it also reminds me of the BTVS ep Once More With Feeling and Spike singing to Buffy. Then, of course, there are the generally fascinating allusions to death, resurrection, self-objectification and mannequinization [which should be a word if it isn’t]. All in all, it’s quite an entertaining little number. I like the little wire-and-wood articulated hands and the shadowed eyelids the best. Clunky translation of lyrics here.

Woo hoo, improvements in rendering time…

Woo hoo, improvements in rendering time… published on No Comments on Woo hoo, improvements in rendering time…

Okay, I just wrestled my aforementioned Daz scene into a state of more submissive submission. There are still 2 characters in the scene, Anneka and Will, with high-res textures on their bodies, clothes and hair. But I have reduced the number of props in the scene to 30 [from 60 — mostly I got rid of a lot of individual books]. Also I slashed the size of most of these texture files to about 20% of original size and dropped posability information from  the props that didn’t need it. [The stuffed animals don’t need to be posable; they just need to sit there and look cute.]

As a result, now a render of the entire scene [OpenGL, 8 passes per light] takes 40 seconds, rather than over 60.

Hiding everything except what will appear in the frame gets the rendering time down to 18 seconds. I’d like to have it render instantaneously, a la digital camera, but that won’t happen unless I get a more powerful processor or start reducing the resolution of the characters themselves, which I refuse to do.

Test of part of an actual ep of LHF

Test of part of an actual ep of LHF published on No Comments on Test of part of an actual ep of LHF

I just tested with posing, setting up, rendering and laying out part of LHF 1.1. Already I see some things I need to improve on.

1. First and foremost, I have way too many props, textures and gimcracks in my sets. 2 figures in an average set, which is just a sparsely decorated corner, with maybe 60 props total [mostly books :p] and 3 lights, really slows down my compooper. I can’t pose characters quickly; there’s a lag time of several seconds. Also rendering takes too long for my tastes, meaning that it takes 60-180 seconds. I need to relegate as much as possible to the 2-D backdrops except for furniture and 2 books, 1 telephone, 1 doll, 1 mermaid, 1 stuffed animal….the absolute essentials. I must resist the temptation to go insane with detail in the sets. They should be very simple, streamlined and highly stylized.

2. The font in the speech bubbles looks horrid. I think it needs to be 9 point BOLD.

That said, I’m enchanted with how the new medium is working out. I can get much tighter camera angles out of Daz than out of my own physical camera. I can also put the digital dolls in much more realistic, squinched-up postures than I could with my action figs. Plus the digital dolls’ likeness is much closer to what Anneka and Will actually look like. Hooray!!!! Is it strange to say that I am most enchanted with the sagginess and wrinkliness of their faces and the elegance of their hands?

Multi-phthongs

Multi-phthongs published on No Comments on Multi-phthongs

I always knew about diphthongs, but I didn’t know there were monophthongs and triphthongs as well. Monophthongs may be obvious [single, consistent vowel sounds], but triphthongs — single-syllable vowel sounds that vary three times over their duration — are more elusive. The only English example I have found is the pronunciation of “our” in dialects that drop the “r,” like a Bostonian accent, I guess, where someone would say “owww-uhhh-aaaaah,” to put it exaggeratedly.

Wow, I just greatly expanded the number of English words with the -phth- compound in them that I know. Monophthong, diphthong, triphthong, ophthamology [and variants], exophthalamos [and variants], naphthalene [and variants]. Man, that combination of letters together just looks odd.

Freakin’ fabulous fricatives and more

Freakin’ fabulous fricatives and more published on 1 Comment on Freakin’ fabulous fricatives and more

Fricatives are those sounds you make when you’re blowing air out your mouth, like ffffffff, sssssss, vvvvvvvv and zzzzzzzz. In fact, the word “fricative” begins and ends with a fricative! Frickin’ awesome!

Sibiliants are an awesome subtype of fricatives when the air that you’re blowing out is channeled by your tongue through your teeth, as in ssssssssss and zzzzzz. Wouldn’t you know — the word “sibiliants” begins and ends with a sibilant! Simply superb!

Plosives are those sounds you make when you stop air from going through your nose or your mouth, like bbbbbb, ddddd, gggg, kkk, pppp and tttt.  Oh look…the word “plosives” starts with a plosive. Positively preposterous.

Nasal stops are those sounds you make when air goes out your nose, but not your mouth, like mmmmmm and nnnnn. Hey, there’s a nasal stop begining the phrase “nasal stop.”

Affricates are sounds where you start blowing air out your mouth, then stop suddenly, so they are fricatives that end in plosives. They are sounds like chchchchchch and jjjjjjjjj.

As I was writing this entry, I just noticed that almost all of these terms for oral articulation contains in itself an example of the term it’s describing. They are self-descriptive. [There’s probably a technical term for that, but it escapes me now.] They’re almost onomatopoetic. Sound and sense sometimes do go together in a poetical way.

Me-me-me meme

Me-me-me meme published on 1 Comment on Me-me-me meme

Here’s a meme I stole from Batchix…

TELL ME…

1. your name: William Philomel Ashby Cox.

2. birthday: Oh bloody Christ…you know…I…I forgot. Some time about 131 years ago.
3. place of residence: Slummerville, Masshole.
4. what makes you happy: lesbians, corsets, Baudelaire, girls who can kick ass. Ass-kicking lesbians in corsets reading Baudelaire.
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last: My girlfriend trying to drink a blood/pomegranate cocktail and failing miserably.
6. do you read my lj: No. Do you think I should get one of these? Could I use it to promote lesbovamps.com?
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you: I’m named after a woman who was raped by her brother-in-law and then had her tongue cut out so she wouldn’t tell [Philomel]. Typical Greek myth…
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment: I’m not so sure about that.
10. favourite place to be: Old Burying Ground outside Harvard Square…a great place to mope.
11. favourite lyric: I have control of a story untold / It begins with the father of sin / I walk alone in the garden of stone / I turn into the monster within / Life is too long for me / I realize that I miss being human — Awakening by The Damning Well … No seriously, I really don’t listen to music, although this guy I knew, Mark, used to play the Pet Shop Boys, so I can sort of stand them sometimes.
12. best time of the year: Winter because of the short days and weak light.
13. any pets? No, but, if I had one, it would be a cat.

RECOMMEND
1. a film: 300, if you like oily beefcake.
2. a book: The Collected Poems of Algernon Swinburne.
3. a band, a song and an album: Can I just go with my answer to number 11?

PLUS
1. one thing you like about me: You’re pretty hot. I’d hit it.
2. two things you like about yourself: I’m a lot less stupid than I used to be. I also have slightly more fashion sense, which is saying a lot.
3. a picture of yourself! Here’s me over on the left. I have no idea who that is over on the right. :p


4.. put this in your lj so i can tell you what i think of you if you want. I don’t have an LJ, so I’m sticking it in hers.

Hemicorporectomy?!?!?!?!?!?

Hemicorporectomy?!?!?!?!?!? published on 9 Comments on Hemicorporectomy?!?!?!?!?!?

I’m astounded, boggled and vomitoriously grossed out by my sheer accidental discovery of the extremely rare surgical procedure known as hemicorporectomy.

As the word itself suggests, a hemicorporectomy involves the removal of essentially half the body.

This medical dictionary says that the legs, pelvic bones, genitalia and excretory system [rectum to anus] are removed. I assume the reproductive system would be removed as well. This ain’t no double-limb amputation, people. It’s translumbar, which means that it goes through the lower back.

A hemicorporectomy usually happens because of a) a severe traumatic injury or b) horrible cancer of the lower spine or pelvic girdle  that doctors want to keep from spreading. It’s usually done in two stages. The first stage reroutes the excretory system to a colostomy bag. The second stage is the amputation.

Needless to say, this is a radical surgery with a high fatality rate, done only in the extremest cases. If a person does survive, he or she has many special considerations. For example, he or she has just lost half of his/her body weight, including circulatory system. He or she must be monitored to make sure that the heart is adequately adjusting a new blood pressure set point.  Also loss of the colon can lead to loss of electrolytes.

Survivors of hemicorporectomy face many mobility challenges. Obviously, without legs, they pretty much use wheelchairs or stay in bed. Furthermore, they have a smaller surface area on which to bear weight for sitting or lying. Pressure sores may result. Conventional prostheses are like bucket sockets, to put it crudely, with prostheses made from a non-breathing polymer to cap the lower torso. The polymer scrapes against the survivors’ skin, injuring them. Additionally, because the prostheses don’t breathe, the survivors cannot dissipate perspiration out of the area covered by the prostheses — a large area of their remaining body parts! — so they can’t regulate their body temperatures. This article shows some breathable, load-bearing alternatives to bucket prostheses. Check out the pictures, which give you an idea of what a clothed hemicorporectomy survivor’s lower body looks like. I’m still not clear on what’s keeping their remaining organs from falling out. Their diaphragms must be working hard, I guess.

So today I learned that people can survive without portions of their spine. That just amazes me. I always assumed that people needed their heads, necks and entire cores [body minus limbs] to survive. Now that I think about it, though, the entire core is not absolutely necessary. Ventilators can help to work the lungs, dialysis machines the kidneys, feeding tubes the digestive system, colostomy systems the excretory system. I suppose it is theoretically possible to move those bodily functions to machines so that the core consists of heart, [reduced] lungs, [reduced] digestive, [reduced] excretory, head and brain. That’s mind-blowing.

Apparently people can live without pretty much all of their bodies!!! Just think about it… People have been known to live without the following, where “without” means the absence thereof, not the non-working presence of… all limbs, hair, sweat glands, larynx, tonsils, 2 eyes, nose, 2 ears, 1 lung, teeth, tongue, upper palette, lower jaw, 1 or 2  kidneys, reproductive systems, 2 breasts, large tracts of intestine, spleen and other organs that I’m probably missing. People have also been known to live with portions of their brains removed. I want to say that I read about someone who was running successfully on one hemisphere after a radical operation designed to reduce seizures, but I don’t have a source for that.

Don we now our gay apparel…

Don we now our gay apparel… published on 2 Comments on Don we now our gay apparel…

Well, not really, but look we now at some gay ads, fa la la la la, la la la la. Radar’s feature, Gay for Pay, provides proof positive that gay-targeted ads rely heavily on stereotypes of effeminacy/drag, phallic symbols and the assumption that lesbians don’t exist. Part of me is offended by the clumsy use of trite gay characterizations, while part of me is offended that there’s only one ad explicitly targeted at women [the beer ad], although I suppose you could make a case for the Subaru ad [suits/sparkly dress] being for a woman as well.

Continue reading Don we now our gay apparel…

Intimidating Anneka

Intimidating Anneka published on No Comments on Intimidating Anneka

Yeah, this most closely resembles my mental idea of Anneka: tall, buxom, androgynous and intimidating, definitely a dom. Custom second skin outfit from Zew Clother, corset and sleeves [Devilicious] from Runtime DNA freebies. I think I might actually be getting the hang of this Daz stuff…

Ergh, now that my aches have subsided, it’s bed time.

Corpse Re-Animation Technology Still 10 Years Off, Say MIT Mad Scientists

Corpse Re-Animation Technology Still 10 Years Off, Say MIT Mad Scientists published on No Comments on Corpse Re-Animation Technology Still 10 Years Off, Say MIT Mad Scientists

I’m especially amused by this old Onion article because the mad scientists who bring back the dead are from MIT, which is where Janet, who reanimated her sister Velvette, studied. 

Serviceable scarf // Clothing porn

Serviceable scarf // Clothing porn published on No Comments on Serviceable scarf // Clothing porn

I’m lazy, so I am not modeling one from scratch. I will just take the Bushy Tail 2.0 that I downloaded for all my therianthropic purposes, make it spiral and hang like a scarf, export as OBJ, then import and use a custom shader on it to make it look fuzzy. Totally tubular. Why reinvent the wheel when I can modify someone else’s wheel? 

By the way, I’m now coveting Wardrobe Wizard. It does what CrossDresser does — translate clothes from one figure to another — but it does so with more sophistication. CrossDresser’s translated clothes only fit the basic shape of the target figure, not skinny ones, fat ones, transgendered ones, etc. WW2 allows you much more control to translate clothes so they fit fit, skinny, transgendered and otherwise altered figures. Since my mostly highly used character is a transgendered Victoria 3 [=Will] who wears lots of women’s clothes but doesn’t have boobs, WW2 should be very useful.

I would buy it right now if it weren’t $75.00. Fidget, fidget.

In an effort to learn 3-D modeling…

In an effort to learn 3-D modeling… published on No Comments on In an effort to learn 3-D modeling…

I have downloaded Wings3D, a free modeling app, and am following the tutorial in the user’s manual on how to model a [very elaborate] doghouse. I have no need for a doghouse, but the tutorial does get me familiar with the program. So far everything seems pretty intuitive, responsive and user-friendly, although I can’t figure out how to easily view my model from the bottom…or how to rotate it un-automatically.

When you’re cold and clammy already…

When you’re cold and clammy already… published on 1 Comment on When you’re cold and clammy already…

You hate getting any colder. Will explains.

Will is freezing in part because he has no scarf. I can’t find a decent scarf anywhere, so I’m so annoyed that I have to model one by my own damn self…

Jacket is  actually part of a Chinese set that I bought specifically for Chow, but it goes along with Will’s atrocious sartorial sense.

Blaming the victim in transphobic violence

Blaming the victim in transphobic violence published on No Comments on Blaming the victim in transphobic violence

Talia Mae Bettcher writes an interesting article in Hypatia about transphobia and its connection to murders of trans people. Basically she points out that there’s this persistent theme that trans people are deceivers and that, if one checks what’s in their pants, one sees what they “really” are. So what we have here is the essentialist notion that gender depends not on how one dresses, acts and identifies, but what one covers up with one’s underwear. 

For example, you can see  that assumption at work in the stupid “Transvestite [sic]” ad for 42 Below Vodka, lambasted here. The ad, which basically tells the story of a potential hook-up between a sloshed guy and a sexy woman which ends in the man’s panic because the woman has a dick, depends on the shock of revelation. The ad wants you to agree with the freaked-out man who discovers that the woman isn’t “really” a woman because of her sexual equipment. This line of thinking would have you believe that the woman is really a man.

Bettcher discusses the deleterious effects of the “trans=deceiver” idea in relation to the 2002 rape and murder of Californian 17-year-old trans woman Gwen Araujo. In part of the pre-murder humiliation and torture, her attackers forced her to show her genitals. The defendants and the defense tried to argue that the sight of Araujo’s penis violated her rapists in the same way that her rapists violated her. Basically, they were saying that Araujo’s identity as a trans woman was a bullshit performance because the existence of her penis was the ultimate truth, negating how she identified herself and how others perceived her. 

Additionally, the defense claimed that Araujo, by being trans, was being a malicious, provocative liar who inflamed resentment and rage in the attackers by having a secret penis. Her secret penis, once revealed, blew her attackers’ minds so completely that it was like a mental and emotional rape. Of course they lashed out at her, raping and killing her! Well, that’s what the defense and the defendants would have you believe.

So…let me see if I get this straight [hur de hur hur]. The defense and the defendants were arguing that Araujo was asking to be raped and murdered merely because her physical unclothed being and her self-identification didn’t “match,” according to some idiots’ limited, provincial, antediluvian concept of gender. And I’m supposed to believe that trans people are using secret genital weapons to flagrantly oppress non-trans people and even rape them emotionally. Oh yeah, and your average straight man is so pathetic and unstable as to become completely unhinged by the merest sight of someone’s penis. Do I need to articulate how biased, insulting, stupid and just plain damaging these assumptions are to everyone involved, trans people and straight guys alike [and trans straight guys]? How the hell is such a bigoted argument supposed to excite one’s sympathy for the proponent?

The rhetoric being spewed in this case argues eloquently that feminism should not limit itself to women’s rights, but also encompass gay rights and trans rights, since much of the sexism and stupidity holding gay people and trans people back is the same sexism and stupidity holding women back.

I was going to title this one “I was raped by the sight of a secret penis!!!!” but I wanted to make it explicit that I am not using such language seriously, but rather mocking those who think that this is a valid defense. Also, despite the fact that this is a transparently public blog, I shy from explicit topic titles, preferring instead to be explicit in the post content, as if that makes it less raunchy.

“And then everyone in the book gets pregnant at the same time!”

“And then everyone in the book gets pregnant at the same time!” published on 1 Comment on “And then everyone in the book gets pregnant at the same time!”

After an excoriation of Nineteen Minutes, Vanishing Acts and My Sister’s Keeper last night, Jill and I determined that Jodi Picoult is actually writing romance novels gussied up to look like Big Important Literature. I personally have a great appreciation for both romance novels [good and bad], as well as Big Important Literature. What particularly pisses me off about Jodi Picoult, though, is that her writing has such transparent, sweating pretensions to Big Important Literature, but her bad form betrays her.

And by bad form, I mean that

she protests that she addresses serious, soul-searching problems, but she always escapes any real emotional or psychological weight through a deus ex machina, rather than pursuing her knotty dilemmas to their knotty and complicated limits. For example, in My Sister’s Keeper, the main story is something about a teenager who was conceived as a potential marrow donor for her older sister. The teenager tries to become emancipated from her parents, which brings about the implosion of the family. Anyway, at the end of My Sister’s Keeper, Picoult killed off her main character basically for no other reason than to fuck with the readers. In an interview in the back of the paperback copy, she insisted that she was being realistic to have a random tragedy occur to said main character, but it was irrelevant, adding nothing to the story, serving only as a pyrotechnic display to get readers to remember the book.

Another example of Picoult’s bad form is her ham-handed bungling with themes and symbolism. One of the characters in My Sister’s Keeper is a fire fighter who ends up fighting a fire that his son, a budding pyromaniac, lit. The fire fighter broods extensively about fire as a metaphor for situations getting out of control, while not realizing that the situation with his family is burning out of control IN THE SAME DAMN WAY THAT HIS SON IS SETTING OUT-OF-CONTROL FIRES. I could forgive the unsophisticated irony if Picoult didn’t bang me over the head with it every time the fire fighter and the son’s viewpoints came around. Her stupidity with symbolism reminds Jill of Johanna Lindsey writing in Warrior’s Woman something to the extent of the fact that her doofus alpha male lunkhead’s name, Challen, “lacked only a G-E to make it ‘challenge.’ She wondered if it was symbolic.” Of course it’s symbolic, and, if you think your readers are impercipent enough to need it spelled out for them, you’re insulting your readers AND demonstrating what an unskilled writer you are. [NB: That’s a rare stupid moment in Lindsey’s book. The rest is pitch-perfect for what it is, and what it is is a sadomasochistic lust novel. Anyway, the stupidity that Lindsey evinces only momentarily appears terminally throughout Picoult’s work.]

Just to make it clear, I respect a good romance novel as much as a good piece of Big Important Literature. I respect even more a good romance novel that pushes the generic conventions, The Spanish Pearl by Catherine Friend being a pretty good example. And I respect Big Important Literature that uses romantic tropes and themes [anything by the Brontes, for example]. I just don’t respect romance novels that push generic boundaries BADLY, and Picoult does it BADLY. She would write perfectly zippy, compelling, melodramatic romance novels if she would just stop trying to address Important Ethical Dilemmas and Heart-Wrenching Current Events and just admit that she is writing soap operas and GO FOR IT!!

Jill says Nineteen Minutes is pretty interesting, despite a high dose of drama… At least, she says, it’s better than Vanishing Acts, which she wants me to read so we can bitch about it together. I love a good, meaty piece of schlock…

Author Plays God — me and Will

Author Plays God — me and Will published on 4 Comments on Author Plays God — me and Will

I made a digital model of me last night, primarily so I could enter LHF and bitch out the characters. Here I am lording it over Will. I am not a nice author. :p I have no hair because I could not find any haircuts with bangs that were buzzed up the sides. Also, I have been bald in the past, so it is not technically out of character.

The latest version of Anneka, not shown, is based on the following digital version of me.

Print ads with Orangina therianthropes

Print ads with Orangina therianthropes published on 1 Comment on Print ads with Orangina therianthropes

I found the Flickr stream of the print ads with the dancing animal humanoids who are so craaaaaaazy for Orangina. Because I am much more accustomed to still pictures of animal humanoids, I am much less bothered by them. Except for the palm tree because it looks like someone with a mummification fetish. See?

 

That therianthropic Orangina commercial

That therianthropic Orangina commercial published on 2 Comments on That therianthropic Orangina commercial

Conveniently enough for my therianthrope kick, BoingBoing linked to this French Orangina commercial. In case you are ignorant of this awesome drink, Orangina is like sweetened, watered, fizzy orange juice with some pulp, and it is so very good. 

The commercial starts with a bipedal humanoid deer woman, who is masturbating rocking in solitary ecstasy on a swing in a bucolic forest. Then a bipedal humanoid bear man steals her Orangina.

The seductive flavor of the contested drink apparently causes them to go against the natural order and fall in love. The entire forest bursts into a chorus line of predator/prey couples, dancing flowers and Orangina bottles blowing their wads and showering particpants. With many shots intercut between furry cleavage and lissome bottle necks, this commercial plays on the fact that the French term for “pulpy,” pulpeuse, can also be a slang term for “curvaceous.” 

Mostly this commercial is overflowing with pulpy goodness. It gets points for including an entire menagerie of bipedal humanoid therianthropes based on a variety of animals, including deer, bears, zebras, pandas, giraffes, rabbits and geckos…although the octopi were quite incongruous with all the terrestrial fauna. I also liked its attention to certain detail, like twitching ears and tails. Finally, I can’t deny the appeal of its rampantly suggestive innuendo: the SWING [a symbol for women’s sexual pleasure], the FALLING BACK INTO FLOWERS, the DANCING, the RIPPING THE WOMAN’S CLOTHES OFF AS SHE SPINS, the SITTING ON WAD-SHOOTING BOTTLES, the LAP DANCES, the ASS-SLAPPING, the SHOWERING ONESELF WITH ORANGINA and the BASICALLY SQUIRTING ORANGINA OUT OF ONE’S TITS. [Side note: It was the tentacular humanoid that was squirting Orangina from its mammaries. Brain…breaking… Unable to…countenance… illogical…biological implausibility…of two phyla…hybridizing…] Watching this commercial is like watching the part in Disney’s animated Fantasia where all the therianthropes are dancing around to Beethoven’s Pastoral, only this is what they would behave like if they were all in their sexual prime.

Two things seriously, deeply disturb me about this commercial, however. One is the ursine humanoid. He walks swiftly and nimbly on his knuckles, shoulders jerking up and down, like a large primate. But bears are basically oversized dogs with lots of extra fat, fur and muscle, and they move like dogs, you know, trotting, without visible shoulder jerks and with more of a general roll and twist in their gait. The ursine humanoid was not loping like a bear! Second, none of the hooved humanoids had digitigrade legs. Third, and most disturbingly of all, animals were dancing with each other that should have been either eating each other or running away from each other. I suppose the point of the commercial was to show that the pulpy, sexy goodness of Orangina was so strong that it could overcome even predator/prey instincts, but the sight of a deer humanoid tangoing with a bear humanoid just strikes me as seriously wrong. And yet I can handle everything else about this commercial… Go figure….

Freakin’ at the freakers’ ball

Freakin’ at the freakers’ ball published on 1 Comment on Freakin’ at the freakers’ ball

The best Xmas prezint I received was the knowledge of a beloved children’s author’s kinky side. I did not know that Shel Silverstein, known to generations of kids as the author and illustrator of such classics as Where the Sidewalk Ends, The Missing Piece, The Giving Tree and A Light in the Attic, wrote and sang pervy songs like The Freakers’ Ball. See excerpt below:

White ones, black ones, yellow ones, red ones
Necrophiliacs looking for dead ones
The greatest of the sadists and the masochists too
Screaming, “Please hit me, and I’ll hit you!!”

I have listened to other songs by this man, and they are equally cock-eyed [nur hur hur hur] and amusing. I must get me a copy of his greatest hits.

Froudian faery sleeping

Froudian faery sleeping published on 1 Comment on Froudian faery sleeping

I’ve been working on a custom Victoria 4.1 character for the past few weeks. She is scrawny, with a long, snout-like face, inspired by the gangly, mischievous critters in Brian Froud’s illustrations. Because I am too chicken to create a custom texture [skin] because V4’s UV map [skin texture layout] is confusing, I am just making the morphs and poses. So far, I’ve made the character’s custom head and body morph [using the pretty cool Creature Creator morph pack] and some custom poses. Here she is sleeping. It was a real pain to make her pose because I had to adjust each of her finger joints individually. The result looks quite relaxed and naturalistic, however, if I do say so myself. I put her in the “therianthropes” category because I used all sorts of animal morphs [including “HeadGoat” (?!?!?!) and “EarGremlin” 🙂 ] to deform her features.

Apollo Maximus: So good in some ways, so disappointing in others

Apollo Maximus: So good in some ways, so disappointing in others published on 5 Comments on Apollo Maximus: So good in some ways, so disappointing in others

 At Sailor Zeo’s instigation, I experimented with the Apollo Maximus fig last night. 

Things I liked about the fig: Apollo default looks much more realistic than Michael 3, modeled with an average distribution of fat, as opposed to Michael 3’s tight and built body. I also liked Apollo’s more fluid morphing capabilities; while Daz figures morph certain features in isolation, Apollo morphs much more smoothly, with more realistic interplay between, say, nose and philtrum if you’re making the nose longer. I also liked the fact that Apollo was free with a wide range of clothing guaranteed to fit him, no matter what his morphs.

Things I disliked about the fig: Well, mostly I disliked the female options, and this is what killed the fig for me. If a character has morph options like “Gender01” and “Gender02” on the head, as well as options to change width of hips and shoulders, as well as chest size and placement of fat deposits, it’s practically advertising its transgender capabilities. When I see a fig with such morphs available, I assume that I’ll be able to get a passably male fig out of it, if it’s female and a passably female fig out of it if it’s male.

For a little excursus about transgender figs… As I enjoyed creating them in 3-D, so I enjoy digitally modeling them. My latest digital iteration of Will is based on the Victoria 3 female mesh, heavily tweaked with the Rayne morphs. My latest digital iteration of Anneka is based on the Michael 3 male mesh, heavily tweaked with the Brom morphs. And you don’t necessarily need extra-fancy morph packs to transgenderize V3 or M3. In fact, V3’s standard morph pack includes “Male” and “Young Male” body shapes, “Male Chest Span,” “HeadMale,” “HeadMale2,” “HeadAlienMale,” et hoc genus omne, allowing you to approximate a male fig very well. [M3 is more of a challenge because of the flat-chest-to-boobs conversion.]

Okay, anyway, fresh from the transgenderizing abilities of Daz figures, I expected similar results from Apollo, perhaps even more impressive ones, since the Web site goes on and on pissing about how he’s new and sexy and improved and loads better than Daz models. I didn’t get anything close. I fought with the morphs for almost an hour, and the best I could manage was a short man with sloping shoulders and wide, fat, curving upper thighs. I could not narrow the shoulders appropriately without tearing the mesh; nor could I find any way to generate breasts on the fig. Furthermore, the only way to get rid of the penis involved making an obvious hole in the fig’s pubis through which you could see its butt crack. I was very sad.

In conclusion, Apollo should not be marketed as the super-duper fig to end all figs. A super-duper fig to end all figs would cough up a female shape if you asked it to. >_< Instead, Apollo should be correctly billed for what he is: an amazing super-duper MALE fig with extensive morphing capacity and free clothes for all your various MALE permutations, created by a guy who very well could be gay [a makeup artist/fashion designer who worked on Newbury Street in Boston for 10 years before hitting the 3-D scene — hmmm, my gaydar is ringing] and therefore more focused on the MALE body anyway. The morph dials should not imply transgenderization, but instead a young/old spectrum or a high fat/low fat spectrum. I erased him from my computer.

This is for SailorZeo, who asked me about my crack habit.

This is for SailorZeo, who asked me about my crack habit. published on 1 Comment on This is for SailorZeo, who asked me about my crack habit.

In answer to your question about my 3-D modeling tools, Zeo, I use Daz because it’s free and because Poser looked a little too complex and daunting for my basic purposes. Be warned that any 3-D modeling program requires lots of practice; just as a beginning kitbasher won’t instantly create repaints worthy of the Japanese customizers and outfits worthy of an42, so the beginning modeler needs to learn the basics, like morphing characters and sticking clothes on them, before moving on to more exciting things like making custom textures [skins] and props. After two months, I’ve finally hit an intermediate skill level with Daz, but that’s because I’ve spent almost all my free time on it.

In terms of models, I use primarily Victoria 3 and Michael 3, both made by Daz. Frankly, they are not particularly cheap — I’d say $100 to get the base figures and morphs — but, on the plus side, they are the most widely supported, so free clothing and textures [skins] can be acquired widely. They’re not the latest and greatest, but they work very well for my purposes.

To be honest, I haven’t investigated Apollo Maximus. By the time I heard about him, I was already ensconced with V3 and M3. I thought that Apollo was solely a male character, and models that cannot represent the full complement of human shapes do not interest me. However, I notice that Apollo’s morphs include parameters for female body parts, so you can probably harass him into yielding a female fig. In any case, I would highly recommend him for free experimentation since he has a good base package and great customizability. [I also note that the linked page contains a free James Marsters/Spike morph for Apollo, if you’re interested in that sort of thing… :p]

Incidentally, it seems as if you are already familiar with 3-D modeling of a sense through the Sims. Depending on what you want to do with custom 3-D characters and sets, the Sims may be sufficient for your interests. From what I can tell, the Sims automates lots of tedious and frustrating things [lighting, animation, expressions] that one does by hand in Daz and Poser. Of course, if you like pushing your characters’ mouths around for hours, attempting to achieve the perfect smirk, Daz may be the alternative for you….

Mom, the abyss is making faces at me!

Mom, the abyss is making faces at me! published on 1 Comment on Mom, the abyss is making faces at me!

When you look into the abyss, said Friedrich Nietzsche, the abyss also looks back into you. He neglected to mention that the abyss could quite possibly be wearing an evil smirk. Because she has a snake tail, the subject of this picture is classed as a therianthrope, even if you can’t see her anguineous parts.

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